Complications

Wanting to start a conversation with someone who you're not sure if you should start a conversation with is confusing. I have these moments where I just want to pick up my phone text someone. And I'm "afraid" to for reasons that are crazy. "Do they want to hear from me?" "Who are they with if I did message them!" "What is their friend's opinion on me now?" "Could I ever just talk to that person again like normal?" The list just keeps on going. I miss having that friend. I miss having a lot of friends. I just want those moments back before it was all complicated. 

coming to realization

I have hit a bump in my life once again, where I wish I could just rewind so much of it and try again.
I hold onto memories so much because knowing I can't really change them, I imagine what they would be if I could.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life to better myself as well as bettering Jasper.
I can't imagine what my life would be without him, but sadly I do try to at times.
I know I wouldn't change having him in my life, but I would change how I live.
I would allow myself to have a better career. Something that allows me to live not paycheck by paycheck but comfortably. I would have a small house with a backyard. A yard with a dog and a clothes line so I can hangout my clothes. A yard for Jasper to venture off in for hours till dinner time.
I have chose to close myself from meeting someone new because I am afraid I will get caught up in the fantasy and It's hard to imagine actually having something good happen in my life. I have that "goal" set in my head for my "dream life" to happen, but I am afraid for it to happen.
I have been heart broken too much, I have been let down too much, and when I see something good happen I just let go so it won't happen. (even though there is that possibility of bad things not happening)
Why can't I just be strong?
I am strong for Jasper but when it comes to me, I can't be.
I have my guard up constantly and I don't know how to put it down.
How do I let it down?
I wish to have someone in my life that I can hold, have there for me, and i be there for them. I want someone I can't push away so easily. I want to hold on to that person longer than that short time.
Why is it so hard for me to hold on to something good in my life?

after all....you're my wonderwall

Wondering where the time goes to making that time for yourself.
Wondering where the people go in your life that you once counted on to be there.
Wondering if you are still there for the ones that counts/counted on you.
Wondering if I will ever find that person in my life that will take me for who I am and not try to mold me into something they want in their life.
Wondering if that person even exists.
Wondering if I will find that friend in my life that will always be there and push to keep me happy as well I do that same for them.
Wondering if I am worth fighting for.
Wondering if I will stay the stronger one in my life, or if I will find that one person to keep strong so I can be weak for once.
Wondering if time will stand still long enough for me to get what I need completed to enjoy life as everyone should.

Wondering so much these days...

And the list just keeps adding on.

Obviously it will take a lot to find that time for me.
I will have to find new people in my life to be there, because I have lost so many.
I will have to continue hoping I am being the true friend I know I can be without getting blindsided by the distractions in life.
I can only hope to find that person that can take me as I am and not try to change me as a person.
And there is that person for me.
I can hope I find those friends that will keep pushing me to be better in my life.
And believe I am worth fighting for!
I can only imagine of someone that can be the strong one for me at times, and allow me to take my moment to be taken care of.
I know time will never stand still for anyone. But maybe I can find that time to catch up on where I want to be in life and not have to drown getting there.