Just Say You'll Wait For Me....

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.Let me in, unlock the door.I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning,The drummer begins to drum,I don't know which way I'm going,I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my head inside your hands,I need someone who understands.I need someone, someone who hears,For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.Until my day, my day is done.And say you'll come, and set me free,Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood,In your fire and in your flood,I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,"I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning,The drummers begin to drum,I don't know which way I'm going,I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,Until my days, my days are done.Say you'll come and set me free,Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

time

I want time to stop.

I want to breath.

I want a chance.
A chance to do everything right.

I want to redo all the bad I have done and make it all good again.

I want the good to come back into my life and never remember the bad.

Why can't life be more easier?

I know the answers can't be there always but time is always helpful.

More time to get things done as well as have a decent life too.

I can't breath anymore.

I can't let go of things to start others, and I can't others unless I let go of things.

I want to throw my hands up in the air and let it all go.

I want to walk away from everything and start fresh again.

People don't get what they want though.

Some do. But those are the people that don't deserve yet they have the resources to do it.
They are capable of making that happen.

Everyone wants something in their lives.
-happiness
-love
-friendship
-time....
I want time.

I have happiness, friendship, and love.
I have those things and I am so blessed to have them.

I want time to cherish those things in my life.
I want time to take advantage of those things so I soak in every moment of them.

It just won't happen.
And Oh how I have hoped for that time.

pushed

Thinking of the things I have chosen.
And I have many regrets.
But I do not regret taking a step back to make sure it's what I wanted.
I saw a new side to someone these past weeks.
Something that is kinda "mentally" scary.
I know physically nothing could happen...but it was still off.
When a person is with someone for over a year you would think they know each other pretty good.
The ins and outs of that person. to a certain extent.
We had many good times together.
Dinners, movies, nights in and out, occasional family occasions, moments where we would hangout with his friends....there were a lot of good times.
We spent almost a year together without one argument. No disagreement. Nothing.
A year without being introduced to their environment and able to see "their domain".
A  year not truly knowing how that person felt.
A year that went from up hill climbing to a platue because that step never got reached.
Not knowing what to do next because one did not know where to go from there....it just faded.
Things fade.
I noticed the fade.
I noticed not getting phone calls or texts till that free time was available.
I noticed that time that I wondered if they were thinking of me, or remembering I was apart of their lives.
I noticed that I felt "forgotten" when that messaged wasn't acknowledged.
I noticed that week that because I didn't make the effort to text or call...neither did they.
I noticed that.
So that week turned into two...then two & half...
That's when I saw they noticed it.
By then?...I didn't know anymore.
I got used to the relationship part to be spuratic. We would go days without talking and then have that one day a week time together.
I faded..
It faded into finding out who I was and what I wanted.
Not controlling how I feel because of those actions happening....I was fading without even knowing I was fading.
That person saw me fading.
Then made a total 360 turn around to severe pushing.
After the thoughts were already on the table.
Constantly making that effort to show what they were hiding all along.
Pushing and pushing that they really were thinking of me but didn't know how to let me know that.
How does one not know how to show someone they care for, that they really do?
Life happens like that.
It blinds people from totally understanding the concept of figuring out how to love. or care about someone.
Going to texting 30 times a day from just 3 times a day makes it seem.....pushed.
Commenting and liking everything all of a sudden makes it seem....pushed.
Randomly showing up at someones job without the knowledge of that person wanting you there makes it seem...pushed.
Spending an hour outside a person's home without being invited while that person is not home....makes it seem....pushed.
I have lost focus on why I was falling for that person.
I see pushing.
I know things happen and things change.
And it is really hard to accept it.
When someone tries to tell you that they just don't know what they want at the moment and they told that person that a relationship just isn't a good time for them....you don't push.
Finally knowing how that person did feel is good enough.
Knowing that it wasn't jst a one sided thing.
Taking that waiting period to a whole new pushing level can make it seem..."mentally scary".
And that said person may not even be aware of it.

Friendships

I'm slowly losing important people in my life. But also slowly gaining new people in my life. I know gaining new friends is a blessing, but losing friends with history is pretty tough. How do u let those moments go? How do you allow those moments to just vanish when they decide to vanish? It hurts. But that's how life goes. People come and go in ur lives...just wish you could save the friendships somehow.

Lost in Thought

They say life is always a one sided. No one ever really lives that other side because they can't see what's coming next. Or what the other person is thinking.

I have come to a part in "frienship" life where others have chosen a different side.

Not saying it's good nor bad for their decision making, but it's bad for that other person who is being bashed and left out.

I know friends are supposed to stick with friends always. But life changes I guess.

People grow apart, lose interest, or jst lose touch.

There are those moments where people jst chose to not tlk to that person bc they feel they have to chose a certain side when another friend is having problems with another one of their friends.

What is that one person supposed to do when that happens?

Because they chose the other part of that story, do they accept it?
Do they move on?
Do they try to argue their side?

Maybe.

I know what I do.

I jst let them side.

I let them do what they feel they have to do.

And if they come back (which half the time they do) jst let it all go.

It happens.

People happen.

And thats what life is.

Full of disappointment and nothing more

warning signs

I missed the good part then I realized 
That I started looking and the bubble burst 
I started looking for excuses 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

When the truth is 
I miss you 

You came back to haunt me and I realized 
That you were an island and I passed you by 
When you were an island to discover 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

And the truth is 
I miss you 
And I'm tired 
I should not have let you go 

So I crawl back into your open arms 
Yes I crawl back into your open arms 
And I crawl back into your open arms 

I was riding home one day from work and this one song came on the radio. I haven't really heard it in a long time, but because of the things happening in my life, it kinda hit me hard. 

Times get tough. For everyone.

There is always something that triggers those emotions.

"You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back. 
You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. 
These are some good times. 
So take a good look around. 
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." 


 I have been thinking back in my past about the times I had wished that I could skip ahead. Skip ahead to a "better life". 

When I was in school i had always wished that I could just skip that part of my life.
Now I wish that I could go back and make those better choices.
When I was graduated and got pregnant before I could begin college, I had hope that it would all go by real fast so I can begin "my" life. 
I began to wish that I had this "dream"house and me and Jasper could not have to live paycheck, by, paycheck. but after hearing this song, it all kicked in. 


"You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back. 
You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. 
These are some good times. 
So take a good look around. 
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." 

I have missed so much in Jasper's life. Being a single and having to work so much takes a lot of time.

I have gained so much as I have grown. 

I believe I have grown into someone I prob wouldn't have turned into if I hadn't of made those choices. 

Things happen. 
People change.
Some change for the better and some or worse. 
It all depends on how you take that path. 

I know I have chose those negative paths at times. 
I have chose some positive ones as well. 

I have been able to take that time with Jasper and I have been able to see the person he is becoming. 
I know I missed a lot as he got to this age. But if I would have given up, I wouldn't have this apt to go home to. Our own "wright place". 

I complain about not having money. 
Or time to clean.
Or time to go out and hangout with my friends.
I complain about losing the friends I did have. 
I complain about driving a POS car.
I find more and more things to stress me out when I have to do be thankful I have those things. 

Be thankful I can come home to a home at all. 
With my son.

I regret a lot of things in life. 
Regretting does'nt get you anywhere. It holds you back. 
I carries you down more into somewhere that imprisons you to not wanting to live life. 
Not wanting to believe that better things CAN happen. 

You may feel the choices you did make were wrong. But you made them.
It's done and over with. The reaction to those actions are what is going to show you rather it was wrong or right. and you have to stand firm on that decision because you can't go backwards in life. 
You have to keep moving forward. Moving forward towards that upcoming path to something better. 

Every path is life changing. 
You just have to figure out which path is the right one for you.