it's happened.

 The moment it happens...it's almost too late to take it back.
 It's almost like a permanent promise to your heart that isn't returnable after a certain point.
 Holding back makes it so much harder and taking it in makes it almost unbearable. You can never really know what to expect but you have to take that chance of just letting it all in.
 Accepting what's happening right now. Accepting what's creating itself for the future. And knowing you will be blindsided the whole way.
 That feeling will make it all the hundred times better to take chances and just leap into it.
 I have been holding on for too long. Longing to find that feeling. And never really know how to just accept it. I have chose to accept it now. And it feels all and then more of what I expect.
 It is tearing me up from the inside out but in a good way pulling me towards the one thing I truly want to accept. It is breaking apart the bearer that has been up for so long. And it's going full force to rebuild what was damaged so everything can created fresh and new.
 Time has set still. Time has allowed me to hold on just enough to feel this again. I want to think it's just that one thing. But I know that it's more than that. I know it's that, times so much more of what I have been afraid of. I have been holding back for so long. I didn't think it was no where near possible that anything like this could happen again. And now it's nothing I had expected to feel.
 Knowing that time will tell more. Knowing time will show all. Knowing things will be harder to grasp but even harder to let go. And knowing that if I let go just once, time will catch up and I could lose it all before I could even have it.

 It sneaks up on you so fast that I didn't see it coming. Blindsided by what you hoped to control but it was just too strong to block.
 Once it's there, it's there and no matter how much you wish for it to stop because you're so afraid, you hold on to it even more because you are afraid.
 There will be fear. There will be tears. There will be happiness and anger. There will be so much more feelings that you could ever imagine. But you take in those emotions. You accept what is happening because letting of something so strong as this....?....it's too much to lose. Too much to let go. Too much of a chance to make it the biggest "what if" of your life.

They say "it's never too late to let go and turn it all around"....I beg to differ. I have hit that "too late" mark...and it's the best feeling in the world.

I have fallen...and still is. And I hope I continue falling.

Forever.
Always.
And....forever.

back and ready for anything

So it has been a long time since I have been on here posting about how I feel and what is going on with me. I have been really busy with work, soccer season is here for Jasper, and then I have had to help with my seester's wedding. But everything has calmed down some. Just enough for me to realize what all is in my line of vision and what I have in front of me. And that is a lot of great things.

I am down almost 2 dress sizes. Knowing I am sticking to being healthy and sticking to something without quitting a huge celebration in my part. I am happy with how I look but I know that I have some other things to do, to get to where I need to be health wise. I need to work on a schedule to tone up and get a routine down so me and Jasper can start walking again.

Vegas was amazing! I had a blast seeing my seesters together for the first time since January. All the girls had a blast and since it was like a little mini vacation for me, I was super excited to get away and have some fun.

Stacie's wedding was beautiful and pretty amazing. I had a blast. I was kind of bummed that my date bailed on me, but I think it all came out good. Jasper was amazing! He was a really handsome ring little man and he danced amazingly during the reception. I am so happy I have so many great people in my life, family and friends, that I can have fun with.

For a about 4 months...maybe a little less, off and on I have been on a dating site called OK Cupid that is on my phone. The app is a bit like Plenty of Fish but it counts the percentage of how well you would be relationship wise, friendship wise and enemy wise. I am not sure how accurate it is, I doubt it's not as accurate as some would hope, but I think it also helps you see what you could be looking for future wise down the road. I have met some interesting people on this site. Some bad, some good. My first date was fun. I still talk to him from time to time, but we were both looking for different things. I feel he just isn't ready to be in a relationship and take that time to make it work. The second guy was pretty great. He is a real sweetheart. We have gone on 3 dates and have watched a movie and caught a game. He is looking for something more long term...something I am as well. But there is just something not quite there. I am still wondering if I am just being too picky or missing something. I always seem to push people away when I feel they are too...I don't know how to word it. I do still talk to him. I havn't gone out with him or seen him since before I left for Vegas.
October 1st I received a message from a guy names Chris. Unlike the others, his message was detailed on what he was looking for, what he liked about my profile, and you could tell he had looked at every detail of what I wrote on my profile and made sure that I was someone he was looking for. I honestly can't put how the past 2 weeks have been for me. Currently he is living in Georgia. OK Cupid only looks for people in your area, and I am sure you're asking "why is she talking to someone so far away" LoL! Well...He had put Dallas, TX as his current location because he is planning on moving to the Dallas area in December. So anyways...I think I am hooked on this guy.  He is everything I have been looking for in a guy, I know that I havn't met him in person and I know some believe that online dating never works, but this one seems to be working so well. I have learned so much about him. Talked to him daily. Seem him on skype. I just hope I don't get my hopes up and he never comes to me. Or I mess it up like I do with every other relationship I am in.

I am truly happy with my life right now. Jasper has been doing great in school. Soccer has been great. Keeping us busy. I am getting close to a good target weight and staying healthy. I have a great friend Sam at work that I have been able to talk to regularly. My family is as always amazing and now I have been getting out there, meeting new people and hopfully finding the love of my life.

Week 3

Week 3 has arrived. I am really happy with the results I see in the pictures. The scale hasn't really moved much, but I'm happy with what I'm looking like. 

I have had a horrible week this week. Lots of stuff going on and me almost losing my eye site was pretty scary too. I have learned my lesson on contacts and making sure they are clean. 

I've learned also that people come and go. And people let you down. But there are those people who support you no matter what! 

After all the emotions that have came out of me this week, seeing results from what I have been working on has almost made it better: 

praying I can make it through this one transition and move on to the other...

Okay.

I am just getting something off my chest because I tend to over think things WAY too much.
Taking that big step of meeting new people is hard. I am not good at just opening up to people and telling them how I feel. When I take one action I tend to go back and rethink what I did and the possible outcome of the action. Half the time I am just being dumb but there are those times where my thoughts of the outcome are right. Right now I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping I am just being ridiculous and nothing horrible is going to happen. I know the actions I chose are my faults. And I know I have no control of the outcome of it if it includes someone else. But those "hopeful" thinkings do happen.

Right now I am crossing my fingers and praying to the good lord I didn't mess anything up.

That is all.

starting off right

Ok. So a lot has been going on the past 2 weeks.

New people, change in body, new look on life and getting closer to achieve the goals I want to hit.

You can my body is no where close to where it needs to be but I am getting there. As always you just have to take those small steps into doing something different in your life. The scale hsn't told me I have lost a lot, but the pictures show I am losing something. I super happy about the results right now, but I know I just have to keep pushing myself to get that healthier body that I want.

I have been talking to new people. Taking chances and stepping up.

Last weekend I had a blast with my neighbors. They are some really great friends! and we had so much fun!
I know that I enjoy my alone time, but knowing I have those girls to talk to?...It helps a lot.
I have also gotten closer to my friend Sam at work. She is a great person to talk to about personal things and how I feel about certain topics. In my head, we hit this moment where I didnt think I could talk to her like I could. But realization hit me and I knew being upset with her about something that was as dumb as it was, I knew I couldn't lose her someone that has been there for me. We have grown on each other.

Dating is a new step I feel I can take now.
I have talked to some people and made plans. I have hung out with one and had spent some good times. Just going out and hanging out has been great. I know I can't always go out, but knowing I am able to step up and make that effort helps me keep motivated to stay focused on my appearance and health.

I know I had set a goal for myself months ago...but I really want to push myself to keep staying focused. I want to be healthy for my son as he grows up. I want to feel comfortable with myself and feel pretty.

I have survived cancer, attempted suicide, anxiety, being a single parent...I can do this. I have to!

Yesterday I started on this new weight loss thing my sis-in-law has been taking. It has worked for her so far, and I have seen some pretty good reviews for it. The first day I got a lot of energy and it helped me feel in a good mood. Not sure if it was the pill or just me liking to start something new for me. I am real eager to see where this puts in. I am going to get the 30 day supply after I the week one. I took the "before" pic and I hope I see some kind of results by the end of this month.

This diet is called Ace. It's an energy weight loss pill. You drink TONS of water with it and with the results of not exercising while taking it seems to be just as effective. I started doing stretches and crunches yesterday. I started small, just to see how far I could go. I am planning on starting to do ZUMBA again, and I hope to see that help as well toning things up as I lose. I don't plan on lifting weights or doing any major muscle building things. As I know that won't help me lose anything at all but gain more.

I have not been happy with my body for a good 5yrs or so. I wish I could go back the body I had after I had my son. I had lost so much weight having to work a full time job and be that single mom. I still work that but it is much easier now that my son is older and in school. I just want to be confident in my body and right now I'm not. Hopefully this will have decent results into helping me gain my confidence back.

So here's to losing weight and being happy with myself.

I hope it comes out with a huge "daaaammmmn!" ;-)

Complications

Wanting to start a conversation with someone who you're not sure if you should start a conversation with is confusing. I have these moments where I just want to pick up my phone text someone. And I'm "afraid" to for reasons that are crazy. "Do they want to hear from me?" "Who are they with if I did message them!" "What is their friend's opinion on me now?" "Could I ever just talk to that person again like normal?" The list just keeps on going. I miss having that friend. I miss having a lot of friends. I just want those moments back before it was all complicated. 

coming to realization

I have hit a bump in my life once again, where I wish I could just rewind so much of it and try again.
I hold onto memories so much because knowing I can't really change them, I imagine what they would be if I could.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life to better myself as well as bettering Jasper.
I can't imagine what my life would be without him, but sadly I do try to at times.
I know I wouldn't change having him in my life, but I would change how I live.
I would allow myself to have a better career. Something that allows me to live not paycheck by paycheck but comfortably. I would have a small house with a backyard. A yard with a dog and a clothes line so I can hangout my clothes. A yard for Jasper to venture off in for hours till dinner time.
I have chose to close myself from meeting someone new because I am afraid I will get caught up in the fantasy and It's hard to imagine actually having something good happen in my life. I have that "goal" set in my head for my "dream life" to happen, but I am afraid for it to happen.
I have been heart broken too much, I have been let down too much, and when I see something good happen I just let go so it won't happen. (even though there is that possibility of bad things not happening)
Why can't I just be strong?
I am strong for Jasper but when it comes to me, I can't be.
I have my guard up constantly and I don't know how to put it down.
How do I let it down?
I wish to have someone in my life that I can hold, have there for me, and i be there for them. I want someone I can't push away so easily. I want to hold on to that person longer than that short time.
Why is it so hard for me to hold on to something good in my life?

after all....you're my wonderwall

Wondering where the time goes to making that time for yourself.
Wondering where the people go in your life that you once counted on to be there.
Wondering if you are still there for the ones that counts/counted on you.
Wondering if I will ever find that person in my life that will take me for who I am and not try to mold me into something they want in their life.
Wondering if that person even exists.
Wondering if I will find that friend in my life that will always be there and push to keep me happy as well I do that same for them.
Wondering if I am worth fighting for.
Wondering if I will stay the stronger one in my life, or if I will find that one person to keep strong so I can be weak for once.
Wondering if time will stand still long enough for me to get what I need completed to enjoy life as everyone should.

Wondering so much these days...

And the list just keeps adding on.

Obviously it will take a lot to find that time for me.
I will have to find new people in my life to be there, because I have lost so many.
I will have to continue hoping I am being the true friend I know I can be without getting blindsided by the distractions in life.
I can only hope to find that person that can take me as I am and not try to change me as a person.
And there is that person for me.
I can hope I find those friends that will keep pushing me to be better in my life.
And believe I am worth fighting for!
I can only imagine of someone that can be the strong one for me at times, and allow me to take my moment to be taken care of.
I know time will never stand still for anyone. But maybe I can find that time to catch up on where I want to be in life and not have to drown getting there.

Where to go now?

Times have been better.
Moments have been better.
Thoughts have been better.

But I chose to take this life and hold on to it.
I chose to take this challenge.

I seem to find myself without the friends I did have.
I have seem to figure the realness of everything.
It's like reality has hit a bit.

I am older.
And I have a kid.
My life as I know it isn't what I thought it was or could be.

I hold onto what I had but then let go for a minute and it's all gone.

I'm not sure how to react to it.
I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure how where to go from here.

I have caught myself wanting to date again.
But I don't want the relationship in it, mainly just someone to have.

The time I have is not much.

I give my time to my son and family and the little I can spare I hangout with my friends.
The little I have.

I feel lost right now.
Not sure where to go from here.
What to do.
I plan all these things in my head but I don't react on them.
I don't know how to take control of my life.

Course in order to take control of your life, you need to know what life you have.

I know I have a work life, a mom life but what do I do beyond that?

Where do I go now?

F you

I'm done trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth being friends with. I'm done worrying about what everyone thinks when it comes to me choosing who i want to be with. I'm done being made felt like I'm the worst person in the world after I bust my ass day after day to make sure myself and my son has a home to come home to. I wake up daily proud to be the mom I am. The person I am. I may make wrong or crazy decisions or make changes in my life when I feel it's something needed...but who doesn't? It kills me inside knowing I have people in the world that hate me. People in this world that dislike me. People in this world that only see me by what people tell them. I'm human. I know it shouldn't bother me, but looking up my friends on Facebook and noticing I have been deleted makes me feel pretty shitty too. But I still go on! I say FUCK everyone who thinks I'm wrong into feeling proud of who i am. And I say FUCK you to the people that feel they can't be my friend because they have to chose one side or the other. And fuck that person that put them in that position and help make them chose. I may not have had a logical explanation but I chose what I did for me. And if anyone wants to even consider knowing what it has been like to be in my shoes....well I'd say go ahead and ask instead of hiding behind ur opinions and your information on what you think you know about me. 

feeling forgotten

I know I have a great family. And I have some pretty good friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have I would like to say they are pretty good.
Recently I have lost a few and I miss talking to them.
I have been trying to talk to and/or hangout with one that I hvnt' seen in awhile and I have truly missed having that person to talk to.
But with my schedule and theirs it seems to mess things up.
This weekend we were supposed to hangout but they had "over booked" the weekend a lil and it looks like we have to reschedule.
I am not mad at that person. But I am disappointed.
Because of the reasoning.
I hate that I have to miss out on things.
I miss out on a lot.
I see my younger sister seeing the world. Able to do what she has always thought of doing and expanding her life's adventure.
I see my older sister buying a new car, a new house, getting married and able to go out to do things like concerts, parties and what not.
Why can't life be easier for me?
All I have needed was some friend time. Some time to make myself feel human again.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish things could just come to me just as easy.
The weekend plan thing isn't a horrible thing. And I can't wait to hangout with that friend.
But this has hit a "nerve" or "sensitive" spot that has been growing inside of me for awhile now.
It just sucks.

My Fault

I took a walk on a Saturday nightFog in the airJust to make my mind seem clearWhere do I go from here?I see my breath pushing steam through the airShaking hands run through my hairMy fears, where do I go from here?Is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Walking down to the water's edgeAsking why I’m here instead of homeNow I stand aloneI stop to stare at the ocean sideI'm breathing in just to feel it’s sidewith his like you were here with meIs it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest nightIt's in the brightest lightIt's when the world is movingOh, it's in the faintest cryIt's in the lover's eyeIs when I need you mostAnd don't you know?Is it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Possible love

I've lost someone I could possibly love. Not aware of what it could have been...but it certainly was in arms reach of something. And now it's gone. 

blessed but broken

I have been feeling VERY blessed lately.
Knowing I have so many people in my life that I can love and hangout with.
I know me and Jasper will always have out family.
These last few feelings of feeling blessed has been pretty amazing.
I still feel like something is missing on my end.
I see all these couples truly loving each other and it makes me miss what I could have.
When I have that though, it's hard for me to hold on to it.
I wish I wasn't broken.
I wish I could just accept someone caring for me and hold on to it.
I love how my life is now.
Knowing I have a lil man that adores me so much, and knowing I have someone that will always be there for me makes me so happy to wake up in the morning.
Knowing though that he will not always be there makes me worry about being alone.
I want to hold on to someone for me and my "intimate" feelings.
I know this may seem selfish,
but I just wish I could be strong enough to have that love.

I'm taking this time

Not sure where to go from here.
There are many things I wanted in my life that I would love to achieve.
I don't see them happening though.
I see myself like this yearly getting closer to being alone once Jman graduates and heads to college.
I know I chose this for myself, but sometimes I just expect more.
I would love more.
I just hope that soon later on down the road I won't be looked upon as a failure.
I know there are those people that will always love me regardless on where I am in my life, but sometimes i have that feeling that they were hoping for more for me.
I hope for more.
I hope daily I can get up in the morning and achieve what I want to do for that day.
I wake up weekly setting that goal for myself but I never seem to finish everything on that "list".
There seems to always be something else.
I put other's wants in front of my own and that puts everything on my list to take that step back.
I try so hard to bring those people in my life and make them apart of my life. But there seems to be something that pushes them out again.
There is never that time where you can keep them in your life long enough to know where it could have gone.
Sadly it happens.
Knowing that it happens puts me back down again where I chose to push back more things.
It's my own fault not able to handle everything...
It's my own fault not trying harder.

I take this time to apologize for the times I took for myself and left those others behind.
I take this time to hope time allows myself to take those steps in my life that could better me.
I take this time to be selfish and hope no one looks down on me for it.

?

Sometimes no matter how much you want something, you can't have it.
Life is like that.
But you have to just let life go on and accept that maybe there is something better out there for you.

Everyone has that one thing that encourages you to do better.
And sometimes that push will allow them to go above and beyond to do better for yourself.
Holding on to things is what slows down the process of achieving that goal they set.
They want to "include" that something special to them, and sometimes the result in that will put you right back to where you were before you even began.
You can't wait for people to catch up with you. You can't have them hold you back.
As much as it may hurt, once you make it to that "better" life  you have been trying to achieve you will then realize the time it took for you to get there.

i figured it out!!!

i KNOW WHATS WRONG!

I am not this psycho chick!

I know what i'm afraid of and I know what makes me do this EVERYTIME!

UGH!

oh well.

i guess it's better late then never

confusion

I am confused.

Confused on what to believe.

Confused on what I want.

Confused on who I am.

I am just confused.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I try to ignore the confusion...and it doesn't help.

I know I should know what I want in my life, but I don't.

I have recently felt like the choice I have made is the wrong one.
And there is no way to fix it.

I know I can't go back.
But I know if I chose to go forward it would be hard to forget the past.

Mentally my state of thought is to hold back.

But knowing I hold back?....makes me think of what I missed.

I've allowed someone to leave my side because I got confused.
I may have turned the corner in that situation and in hopes to come back around but it was just too far forgotten. I lost it all.

And now it's going to be gone.

The shit choices I make for myself make me worry for the choices I make in the future.

And knowing I can't fix it makes it all the worse.

The Princess with the lost smile

There once was a princess who didn't have a smile. Her smile had faded long ago when she was younger, and had forgotten how to bring it back. She was in fear she could never find her smile again. Many princes from many kingdoms had tried to come shower her with many gifts to help her find her smile. But all failed.

One day, as she was walking through her village, she had seen a man in armor guarding an old unknown building. His armor seemed to be much more tarnished and dented up than the other guards she had seem throughout her kingdom. He seemed to be very strong underneath when she looked into his eyes from across the streets, but there seemed something missing. As she walked closer to him, she looked into his eyes more and notice a slight shiver. The poor knight had been cold sitting in the shade for so long. As the wind slightly whistled through the trees, she noticed more of the shivering from underneath his armor.

She carried on her walk, thinking of what she could do for this knight to allow him some warmth. Maybe even just a little warmth would help.

The next week she was going along her daily walk and noticed the knight again in the same shaded spot.
She felt she had to do something. She approached the knight with precaution not knowing if the knight had seen her through his armor. She had been nervous approaching him closer than she had done the day before. As she was introducing herself, he slowly bowed towards her and quickly took off his helmet once as he knew the princess should see his face as she tried talking to him. The princess was shocked to see how cold he seemed. His eyes looked so strong, but knew by the cold chill bumps that he needed to get some warmth soon. She asked the knight where he had served before. They then began to talk more. She learned so much from his stories from seeing the world. Knowing so much about the kingdoms around her, learning her new things she had never known before. The evening started to get colder a little as the sun got closer to setting. She knew she had to go, but felt leaving him in the cold would bother her through the night worse than it did the night before. She mentioned her kingdom could always use some new knights in the castle and that she would talk to her father about getting him a position to protect the gardens where they would be able to see each other daily, and he could keep warm in the sun and not in the shade.

Weeks went by and the princess and the knight spent a lot of time in the garden talking and learning about each other. The princess grew fond of this knight. They would sit out and talk about anything. The air, the warm sun, the dreams they had for themselves. Everything seemed great.

Months passed as the princess had fallen to really care for this knight. She was sitting at home in her room thinking of how amazing she was feeling inside and out. She then noticed she was smiling. She ran into her bathroom and looked into her mirror and couldn't help but smile at her own smile. She had found her smile and the knight was the one who had found it for her.

The next afternoon, she ran up to the knight and just smiled at him. He continued on his conversation they had the day before. Not noticing the smile. She was showing him so much of how she was feeling and how amazing it was to smile at him.

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to another month where the smile continued to be unnoticed.

She tried all the things she could think of to express how she cared for this Knight. But behind all his armor, she really couldn't see any change on how he felt about her. She was confused. She felt she had given so much to the knight. Her kindness, her garden to keep warm, her company....she had shared so much with this knight and never really realized that behind all that armor, she really didn't know him. She then turned sad again. The smile faded slowly through out the weeks. And since the knight never noticed the smile before, he never really noticed her frown had come too.

She then decided to stay home one week.

She would walk by him in the gardens and wave at him, but other than a "Hello" there was really know change in how the knight acted. It was as though her presence was nothing more than a lose leave blowing in the wind.

So she decided to leave him be. He could keep his armor self and go on his way.

A bit after she had gone her own way. The knight startled her with a visit.
She had been happy to see him, but not happy enough to smile again.
The knight apologized for not noticing her smile. He let her know how beautiful it was but he didn't know that not telling her would hurt her so bad. His armor hid so much.
The princess didnt know what to do.
She had lost her smile again and didnt think it could come back agian.
She felt bad that since the armor shielded his true feelings, that she contiued to talk to him a little bit longer.

She had decided later that she wanted to see the knight without his armor.
She wanted to see what he was hiding.
She felt she deserved to see how he was really feeling.
As soon as she knew what was hiding, she could try and find her smile again.

Just Say You'll Wait For Me....

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.Let me in, unlock the door.I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning,The drummer begins to drum,I don't know which way I'm going,I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my head inside your hands,I need someone who understands.I need someone, someone who hears,For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.Until my day, my day is done.And say you'll come, and set me free,Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood,In your fire and in your flood,I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,"I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning,The drummers begin to drum,I don't know which way I'm going,I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,Until my days, my days are done.Say you'll come and set me free,Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

time

I want time to stop.

I want to breath.

I want a chance.
A chance to do everything right.

I want to redo all the bad I have done and make it all good again.

I want the good to come back into my life and never remember the bad.

Why can't life be more easier?

I know the answers can't be there always but time is always helpful.

More time to get things done as well as have a decent life too.

I can't breath anymore.

I can't let go of things to start others, and I can't others unless I let go of things.

I want to throw my hands up in the air and let it all go.

I want to walk away from everything and start fresh again.

People don't get what they want though.

Some do. But those are the people that don't deserve yet they have the resources to do it.
They are capable of making that happen.

Everyone wants something in their lives.
-happiness
-love
-friendship
-time....
I want time.

I have happiness, friendship, and love.
I have those things and I am so blessed to have them.

I want time to cherish those things in my life.
I want time to take advantage of those things so I soak in every moment of them.

It just won't happen.
And Oh how I have hoped for that time.

pushed

Thinking of the things I have chosen.
And I have many regrets.
But I do not regret taking a step back to make sure it's what I wanted.
I saw a new side to someone these past weeks.
Something that is kinda "mentally" scary.
I know physically nothing could happen...but it was still off.
When a person is with someone for over a year you would think they know each other pretty good.
The ins and outs of that person. to a certain extent.
We had many good times together.
Dinners, movies, nights in and out, occasional family occasions, moments where we would hangout with his friends....there were a lot of good times.
We spent almost a year together without one argument. No disagreement. Nothing.
A year without being introduced to their environment and able to see "their domain".
A  year not truly knowing how that person felt.
A year that went from up hill climbing to a platue because that step never got reached.
Not knowing what to do next because one did not know where to go from there....it just faded.
Things fade.
I noticed the fade.
I noticed not getting phone calls or texts till that free time was available.
I noticed that time that I wondered if they were thinking of me, or remembering I was apart of their lives.
I noticed that I felt "forgotten" when that messaged wasn't acknowledged.
I noticed that week that because I didn't make the effort to text or call...neither did they.
I noticed that.
So that week turned into two...then two & half...
That's when I saw they noticed it.
By then?...I didn't know anymore.
I got used to the relationship part to be spuratic. We would go days without talking and then have that one day a week time together.
I faded..
It faded into finding out who I was and what I wanted.
Not controlling how I feel because of those actions happening....I was fading without even knowing I was fading.
That person saw me fading.
Then made a total 360 turn around to severe pushing.
After the thoughts were already on the table.
Constantly making that effort to show what they were hiding all along.
Pushing and pushing that they really were thinking of me but didn't know how to let me know that.
How does one not know how to show someone they care for, that they really do?
Life happens like that.
It blinds people from totally understanding the concept of figuring out how to love. or care about someone.
Going to texting 30 times a day from just 3 times a day makes it seem.....pushed.
Commenting and liking everything all of a sudden makes it seem....pushed.
Randomly showing up at someones job without the knowledge of that person wanting you there makes it seem...pushed.
Spending an hour outside a person's home without being invited while that person is not home....makes it seem....pushed.
I have lost focus on why I was falling for that person.
I see pushing.
I know things happen and things change.
And it is really hard to accept it.
When someone tries to tell you that they just don't know what they want at the moment and they told that person that a relationship just isn't a good time for them....you don't push.
Finally knowing how that person did feel is good enough.
Knowing that it wasn't jst a one sided thing.
Taking that waiting period to a whole new pushing level can make it seem..."mentally scary".
And that said person may not even be aware of it.

Friendships

I'm slowly losing important people in my life. But also slowly gaining new people in my life. I know gaining new friends is a blessing, but losing friends with history is pretty tough. How do u let those moments go? How do you allow those moments to just vanish when they decide to vanish? It hurts. But that's how life goes. People come and go in ur lives...just wish you could save the friendships somehow.

Lost in Thought

They say life is always a one sided. No one ever really lives that other side because they can't see what's coming next. Or what the other person is thinking.

I have come to a part in "frienship" life where others have chosen a different side.

Not saying it's good nor bad for their decision making, but it's bad for that other person who is being bashed and left out.

I know friends are supposed to stick with friends always. But life changes I guess.

People grow apart, lose interest, or jst lose touch.

There are those moments where people jst chose to not tlk to that person bc they feel they have to chose a certain side when another friend is having problems with another one of their friends.

What is that one person supposed to do when that happens?

Because they chose the other part of that story, do they accept it?
Do they move on?
Do they try to argue their side?

Maybe.

I know what I do.

I jst let them side.

I let them do what they feel they have to do.

And if they come back (which half the time they do) jst let it all go.

It happens.

People happen.

And thats what life is.

Full of disappointment and nothing more

warning signs

I missed the good part then I realized 
That I started looking and the bubble burst 
I started looking for excuses 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

When the truth is 
I miss you 

You came back to haunt me and I realized 
That you were an island and I passed you by 
When you were an island to discover 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

And the truth is 
I miss you 
And I'm tired 
I should not have let you go 

So I crawl back into your open arms 
Yes I crawl back into your open arms 
And I crawl back into your open arms 

I was riding home one day from work and this one song came on the radio. I haven't really heard it in a long time, but because of the things happening in my life, it kinda hit me hard. 

Times get tough. For everyone.

There is always something that triggers those emotions.

"You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back. 
You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. 
These are some good times. 
So take a good look around. 
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." 


 I have been thinking back in my past about the times I had wished that I could skip ahead. Skip ahead to a "better life". 

When I was in school i had always wished that I could just skip that part of my life.
Now I wish that I could go back and make those better choices.
When I was graduated and got pregnant before I could begin college, I had hope that it would all go by real fast so I can begin "my" life. 
I began to wish that I had this "dream"house and me and Jasper could not have to live paycheck, by, paycheck. but after hearing this song, it all kicked in. 


"You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back. 
You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. 
These are some good times. 
So take a good look around. 
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." 

I have missed so much in Jasper's life. Being a single and having to work so much takes a lot of time.

I have gained so much as I have grown. 

I believe I have grown into someone I prob wouldn't have turned into if I hadn't of made those choices. 

Things happen. 
People change.
Some change for the better and some or worse. 
It all depends on how you take that path. 

I know I have chose those negative paths at times. 
I have chose some positive ones as well. 

I have been able to take that time with Jasper and I have been able to see the person he is becoming. 
I know I missed a lot as he got to this age. But if I would have given up, I wouldn't have this apt to go home to. Our own "wright place". 

I complain about not having money. 
Or time to clean.
Or time to go out and hangout with my friends.
I complain about losing the friends I did have. 
I complain about driving a POS car.
I find more and more things to stress me out when I have to do be thankful I have those things. 

Be thankful I can come home to a home at all. 
With my son.

I regret a lot of things in life. 
Regretting does'nt get you anywhere. It holds you back. 
I carries you down more into somewhere that imprisons you to not wanting to live life. 
Not wanting to believe that better things CAN happen. 

You may feel the choices you did make were wrong. But you made them.
It's done and over with. The reaction to those actions are what is going to show you rather it was wrong or right. and you have to stand firm on that decision because you can't go backwards in life. 
You have to keep moving forward. Moving forward towards that upcoming path to something better. 

Every path is life changing. 
You just have to figure out which path is the right one for you.