Sex without love....

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Dark meaningless or could be meaningful hole

*i am in a weird mood today and hoping to get out of it soon. so bear w/me and my thoughts.*

being caught in this hole is making me feel so alone.
with no one to talk to because no one really knows.
i have hidden this feeling, that i can't hide anymore.
i have hiddden the darkness for too long.

i love knowing to know.
i hate not knowing to love.
i hate everything about it.
i hate being inside.
i thought i was beyond this feeling.
these feelings i have feared.
this feeling of having no one.
who knows what i fear.

i have a lot of someones.
but no one really knows.
everything that has been happening,
or anything that has been going on.

i blame only myself.
and no one else to add.
cause my love...has already passed.
everything is a blur.
nothing makes since.
im scared of losing.
and afraid to gain.

only one can stop this.
but only one can control it.
how can i get out this darkness of mess?

Wat to think...

Give me a reason to care & I will. Show me it's all worth it & I'll stay. I long to need you but do you need me? Is everything gone or is it still slightly there to keep us safe? I worship the times it all made since. Why is everything like it is? Give me a reason I know it's there. Give me a sign my heart is still there. Our thoughts & feelings have got to be the same. Nothing can just disappear from what it was to this.

 Life is just one screwed up mess after another. Depending on the decisions you make, the decisions the poeple around you make and all the actions around you. Mistakes are a huge factor in life. You learn from them and you also live with them. Sometimes it takes others to let go fast, as others, it will probably take a lifetime. Judgement is a huge factor in life as well. Judgement on who people are now, in the past, what they are looking forward to in the future, where they live, what they drive, how they dress and what they're family and friends are like. To me...judgement is distraction. Knowing those things is just another characteristic of the person you are trying to get to know. Non of that necessarily means they are ever going to be a bad person, it's the actions and emotions they show when they are with you or around people they trust. Trust is a another key factor of life. Trusting the car you're riding in. The person you're working with. The person you love. Your family. Your friends. Trusting that every step you take you fall flat on your face. Can you feel trust? Can you feel the emotions of that special someone? Rather they are your friend, family memeber or enemy? Emotions can tell a lot from someone if you really pay attention. Knowing they they are comfortable enough to laugh, cry or yell in front of you. That's when you can really build a strong relationship with someone. Relationships are taken granted when you add love to them. You can easily build a relationship to a complete stranger, if you really want to. And that doesn't mean "love" has to be introduced. Love. There is so much to say about love. Love is what makes life more and more difficult to happen. When you say "I love you" to someone that could change a lot of people's lives in a split second. You can say "I love you" so a friend, family member or a person you want to give your heart to. But when you do say it, it's almost impossible to take back . You can take back a lot of things in life. Things you've said bad about someone. Things you've given someone. The words "I love you" is kinda like a kiss. You may kiss someone, and pretend it didn't happen, but it really did. It's an emotion. You can't control emotions once they're triggered. When you feel something, it means there is somethign there. Rather it's sadness, depression, lust, love or anger. Life can trigger any of those emotions. And once you let them go, there's no telling what path your life will take.

New

Thinking back on what I expected it to be like makes me laugh right now. Things happen & sometimes you jst gotta pushed it aside & let it go before it ruins you completely. I was almost there. I almost ruined everything.

Tonight I FINALLY got to chill with my sister & hangout with some people. GROWNUPS! Hehe! I enjoyed it a lot. I believe that I was a bit awkward at it since it's been years since I've really socialized. I felt like I was finally released into the wild & not sure how to act. I wanted to scream for happiness. Let alone, it was only poker after Jman's game but it was something for me :-))

I have noticed I still have my flirt on pretty good. (at least I believe I do)I talked to my sis bout a guy I have been chatting with for awhile & she wsnt upset bout it but it made me feel better she wasn't against the fact if something was so happen. Hehe! I've been waiting to find someone I cld share information with that dsnt put me down for stating my opinion. Or someone that's interested in what I enjoy & not put me me down making a comment bout my stupidity or something in that sort. I want to let lose & get back to who I was. So far this person I've been sharing my time with has allowed me to be me again. I'm sure I'll figure out I have friends still out there. But knowing someone who has basically been here all along & finding out we share common stuff & enjoy the company of others & our kids makes ms know that the life I was living wasn't worth trying for. I deserve better. & when i find myself enjoying myself?...everyone else out there will see me too.

Today has been a great day. Spending my day with Jman. Having his party with friends & family. Then ending it with a great night with chill people & a person I may be shy with now in person but wanting to get to know in the future :-)

Heres to a great day for me & my people!

Finding someone when you've already found them

Looking back into the day I walked passed you during parties, caught conversations when out friends were talking, caught the same movie when people we know invited us both. Passing glances without even noticing. Where were we when this all happened? Did we know that maybe it could have been more than what it was? Did you even imagine us having anything incommen such as music, movies, thoughts, feelings & emotions?

Talking to you now makes me wish we had noticed those things. I should have made more effort to get to know who you were. I've learned you're sensitive. I've learned you really care. The things people make you out to be isn't quite as I thought.

I hope things get better, & we grow a lil closer. I hope the time allows us to learn more & brings what we've missed out on to action.

It's amazing what a lil chat online or texting can do when creating a friendship like I see evolving.

I want to see more.

my time away from you

You have allowed me to spend some time away from you. Course it's mainly because you told me that you didn't want to see me. I miss you. I think I will always miss you. I worry more and more. I worry when I don't hear from you. I worry when I don't see you. It makes me nervous when I can't see you.
Knowing there are things going on in your head that aren't safe scares me. But I think in the back of my head that you're going to be ok.

I know you're going to be ok. I have to think that. I have to think the positive because all I want to do it think the negative.

I have been spending a lot of time to myself lately. I think it has been good. I feel guilty at times that I enjoy it, but I know it's for the best. I know things will continue to be easier. They have to. Right??

I will always love you, care for you and want to be with you. I know I can't be tho.

This is for you and me.
Between you and me.

Forever and Always yours,
Hollie