So just recently I had a dream of a co-worker I've worked with. When I looked it up in the dream dictionary it said that it could be 2 things...
1.) you're deep down attracted to the friend and wish to further on the "relationship"
2.) you're not getting fully satisfied sexually with your spouse and wish to find elsewhere with someone you feel connected with or spontaneous with.
WTH!!
Considering the fact I havn't really had much of a "sexual" relationship in a bit I guess that could be it.
I've done the whole "relationship with a co-worker" before and it got in a relationship (which we both wern't looking for, just beni-friends) and it ended up lasting 4years!! I wouldn't mind a relationship, considering I am about to be 25...but right now that's not what I'm looking for.
Friendship is all I care for now for anyone. (course you never know what can happen)
Anyways!...losing focus!
The dream was sexual if anyone cares, but it wasn't hard-core, rip your clothes off, sexual. It was, cuddly sexual. (if that makes since) It was enjoyable in the dream but weird ed me out when I woke up.
I can't admit who it is. It will have to chill in my secrets at the moment until further thoughts.
Dreams are just so weird when it comes to trying to figure out the reasoning of it.
LoL!
Maybe I am sexually disturbed!
Peace!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
dreaming of the same thing for week now??....
so for the past 2wks i have been dreaming of zombies. Zombies taking Jman away and zombies chasing us....its just freaking me out.
so i googled the dream dictionary and it said this:
"To dream you are being attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. you are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered."
hmmm...???
I also talked to one of my friends from work and he also told me he has been having dreams as well about zombies. CRAZY!!!
im thinking that maybe work is the main cause of this at this point but it is also somethings at the house that i have been stressing over.
Dreams are so weird!! & whats wierd some more is that I love dreaming!
Hollie
Monday, October 24, 2011
Once again left in the loop
Alright. You got what you wanted I guess. Times have once again switched to where I'm the dumb one & got reeled in to another sappy love story. I really thought this was gonna end great. I had high positive hopes & it got blown away. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did. I almost want to try & forget it. But I can't. I thought the connection was there this time. We went from talking a lot, to talking a lil to none. & I don't know why. I was hoping it was because you were busy. I know you have constant work schedules. But I know you've been able to chat some. It's ok. I'm a big girl. Just figured I deserved an explanation. I would have given you one. I'm a pretty upfront chick. I tell it how it is & if it's not something you agreed with that's ur choice.
I felt like we had it. The attraction, the common likes, they same aspects of life, the romantic out look. it was there. Rather I saw it or u didnt. I'm always going to be there. Thinking of what I did wrong. & that is on you now. Until I find out otherwise.
My broken necklace on ur dresser will haunt ur room LoL!
I felt like we had it. The attraction, the common likes, they same aspects of life, the romantic out look. it was there. Rather I saw it or u didnt. I'm always going to be there. Thinking of what I did wrong. & that is on you now. Until I find out otherwise.
My broken necklace on ur dresser will haunt ur room LoL!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Our first
You kissd me for the first time on your way out for an outside drunkin piss :-) We were all sitting at the table, some of us partially more drunk than the rest. Your lips were soft but firm on mine. It was an out of know where kiss, but something I wouldn't want to forget. When you came back your shyness appeared again. It was cute, you were cute. Occasionally staring into my eyes as I took sneak peeks when I didnt think no one was thinking to see.
Everyone told me that you mention me a lot. I was informed by some you couldn't stop mentioning me. It made me smile.
I remember us flirting. You pulling me in your lap. Your arms wrapped around me. It just felt right. I tried to kiss you but you wouldn't let me. You told me you were afraid to show me how you felt about me. Scared to let go. Se sat at that table & you poured your heart out to me. You told me you forget about her when you think of me. You asked me who I was. Where I came from. What I wanted. And why you.
You make me smile. You give me something to think about when I'm in all my moods. Happy. Sad. Lost. Forgotten. The thought of putting you in my life almost seemed it could complete it or maybe begin it. I know it sounds of the wall deep. But that's part of who I am. When I let I out, I just let it out.
The 2nd moment I will always remember is the way you moved my hair out of my face and leaned in & kiss me. I know you were drunk. & I hoped u cld remember this moment. But even if u didn't it meant something to me.
You still played shy. But when you touched me it was like that part of you disappeared. Even for the slightest moment.
I figured this moment was meant to be remembered. Even if there was a slight possibility of you remembering.
The thought of it all seems crazy. But the times we share the craziness seems to just go away.
Everyone told me that you mention me a lot. I was informed by some you couldn't stop mentioning me. It made me smile.
I remember us flirting. You pulling me in your lap. Your arms wrapped around me. It just felt right. I tried to kiss you but you wouldn't let me. You told me you were afraid to show me how you felt about me. Scared to let go. Se sat at that table & you poured your heart out to me. You told me you forget about her when you think of me. You asked me who I was. Where I came from. What I wanted. And why you.
You make me smile. You give me something to think about when I'm in all my moods. Happy. Sad. Lost. Forgotten. The thought of putting you in my life almost seemed it could complete it or maybe begin it. I know it sounds of the wall deep. But that's part of who I am. When I let I out, I just let it out.
The 2nd moment I will always remember is the way you moved my hair out of my face and leaned in & kiss me. I know you were drunk. & I hoped u cld remember this moment. But even if u didn't it meant something to me.
You still played shy. But when you touched me it was like that part of you disappeared. Even for the slightest moment.
I figured this moment was meant to be remembered. Even if there was a slight possibility of you remembering.
The thought of it all seems crazy. But the times we share the craziness seems to just go away.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sex without love....
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Dark meaningless or could be meaningful hole
*i am in a weird mood today and hoping to get out of it soon. so bear w/me and my thoughts.*
being caught in this hole is making me feel so alone.
with no one to talk to because no one really knows.
i have hidden this feeling, that i can't hide anymore.
i have hiddden the darkness for too long.
i love knowing to know.
i hate not knowing to love.
i hate everything about it.
i hate being inside.
i thought i was beyond this feeling.
these feelings i have feared.
this feeling of having no one.
who knows what i fear.
i have a lot of someones.
but no one really knows.
everything that has been happening,
or anything that has been going on.
i blame only myself.
and no one else to add.
cause my love...has already passed.
everything is a blur.
nothing makes since.
im scared of losing.
and afraid to gain.
only one can stop this.
but only one can control it.
how can i get out this darkness of mess?
being caught in this hole is making me feel so alone.
with no one to talk to because no one really knows.
i have hidden this feeling, that i can't hide anymore.
i have hiddden the darkness for too long.
i love knowing to know.
i hate not knowing to love.
i hate everything about it.
i hate being inside.
i thought i was beyond this feeling.
these feelings i have feared.
this feeling of having no one.
who knows what i fear.
i have a lot of someones.
but no one really knows.
everything that has been happening,
or anything that has been going on.
i blame only myself.
and no one else to add.
cause my love...has already passed.
everything is a blur.
nothing makes since.
im scared of losing.
and afraid to gain.
only one can stop this.
but only one can control it.
how can i get out this darkness of mess?
Wat to think...
Give me a reason to care & I will. Show me it's all worth it & I'll stay. I long to need you but do you need me? Is everything gone or is it still slightly there to keep us safe? I worship the times it all made since. Why is everything like it is? Give me a reason I know it's there. Give me a sign my heart is still there. Our thoughts & feelings have got to be the same. Nothing can just disappear from what it was to this.
Life is just one screwed up mess after another. Depending on the decisions you make, the decisions the poeple around you make and all the actions around you. Mistakes are a huge factor in life. You learn from them and you also live with them. Sometimes it takes others to let go fast, as others, it will probably take a lifetime. Judgement is a huge factor in life as well. Judgement on who people are now, in the past, what they are looking forward to in the future, where they live, what they drive, how they dress and what they're family and friends are like. To me...judgement is distraction. Knowing those things is just another characteristic of the person you are trying to get to know. Non of that necessarily means they are ever going to be a bad person, it's the actions and emotions they show when they are with you or around people they trust. Trust is a another key factor of life. Trusting the car you're riding in. The person you're working with. The person you love. Your family. Your friends. Trusting that every step you take you fall flat on your face. Can you feel trust? Can you feel the emotions of that special someone? Rather they are your friend, family memeber or enemy? Emotions can tell a lot from someone if you really pay attention. Knowing they they are comfortable enough to laugh, cry or yell in front of you. That's when you can really build a strong relationship with someone. Relationships are taken granted when you add love to them. You can easily build a relationship to a complete stranger, if you really want to. And that doesn't mean "love" has to be introduced. Love. There is so much to say about love. Love is what makes life more and more difficult to happen. When you say "I love you" to someone that could change a lot of people's lives in a split second. You can say "I love you" so a friend, family member or a person you want to give your heart to. But when you do say it, it's almost impossible to take back . You can take back a lot of things in life. Things you've said bad about someone. Things you've given someone. The words "I love you" is kinda like a kiss. You may kiss someone, and pretend it didn't happen, but it really did. It's an emotion. You can't control emotions once they're triggered. When you feel something, it means there is somethign there. Rather it's sadness, depression, lust, love or anger. Life can trigger any of those emotions. And once you let them go, there's no telling what path your life will take.
Life is just one screwed up mess after another. Depending on the decisions you make, the decisions the poeple around you make and all the actions around you. Mistakes are a huge factor in life. You learn from them and you also live with them. Sometimes it takes others to let go fast, as others, it will probably take a lifetime. Judgement is a huge factor in life as well. Judgement on who people are now, in the past, what they are looking forward to in the future, where they live, what they drive, how they dress and what they're family and friends are like. To me...judgement is distraction. Knowing those things is just another characteristic of the person you are trying to get to know. Non of that necessarily means they are ever going to be a bad person, it's the actions and emotions they show when they are with you or around people they trust. Trust is a another key factor of life. Trusting the car you're riding in. The person you're working with. The person you love. Your family. Your friends. Trusting that every step you take you fall flat on your face. Can you feel trust? Can you feel the emotions of that special someone? Rather they are your friend, family memeber or enemy? Emotions can tell a lot from someone if you really pay attention. Knowing they they are comfortable enough to laugh, cry or yell in front of you. That's when you can really build a strong relationship with someone. Relationships are taken granted when you add love to them. You can easily build a relationship to a complete stranger, if you really want to. And that doesn't mean "love" has to be introduced. Love. There is so much to say about love. Love is what makes life more and more difficult to happen. When you say "I love you" to someone that could change a lot of people's lives in a split second. You can say "I love you" so a friend, family member or a person you want to give your heart to. But when you do say it, it's almost impossible to take back . You can take back a lot of things in life. Things you've said bad about someone. Things you've given someone. The words "I love you" is kinda like a kiss. You may kiss someone, and pretend it didn't happen, but it really did. It's an emotion. You can't control emotions once they're triggered. When you feel something, it means there is somethign there. Rather it's sadness, depression, lust, love or anger. Life can trigger any of those emotions. And once you let them go, there's no telling what path your life will take.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
New
Thinking back on what I expected it to be like makes me laugh right now. Things happen & sometimes you jst gotta pushed it aside & let it go before it ruins you completely. I was almost there. I almost ruined everything.
Tonight I FINALLY got to chill with my sister & hangout with some people. GROWNUPS! Hehe! I enjoyed it a lot. I believe that I was a bit awkward at it since it's been years since I've really socialized. I felt like I was finally released into the wild & not sure how to act. I wanted to scream for happiness. Let alone, it was only poker after Jman's game but it was something for me :-))
I have noticed I still have my flirt on pretty good. (at least I believe I do)I talked to my sis bout a guy I have been chatting with for awhile & she wsnt upset bout it but it made me feel better she wasn't against the fact if something was so happen. Hehe! I've been waiting to find someone I cld share information with that dsnt put me down for stating my opinion. Or someone that's interested in what I enjoy & not put me me down making a comment bout my stupidity or something in that sort. I want to let lose & get back to who I was. So far this person I've been sharing my time with has allowed me to be me again. I'm sure I'll figure out I have friends still out there. But knowing someone who has basically been here all along & finding out we share common stuff & enjoy the company of others & our kids makes ms know that the life I was living wasn't worth trying for. I deserve better. & when i find myself enjoying myself?...everyone else out there will see me too.
Today has been a great day. Spending my day with Jman. Having his party with friends & family. Then ending it with a great night with chill people & a person I may be shy with now in person but wanting to get to know in the future :-)
Heres to a great day for me & my people!
Tonight I FINALLY got to chill with my sister & hangout with some people. GROWNUPS! Hehe! I enjoyed it a lot. I believe that I was a bit awkward at it since it's been years since I've really socialized. I felt like I was finally released into the wild & not sure how to act. I wanted to scream for happiness. Let alone, it was only poker after Jman's game but it was something for me :-))
I have noticed I still have my flirt on pretty good. (at least I believe I do)I talked to my sis bout a guy I have been chatting with for awhile & she wsnt upset bout it but it made me feel better she wasn't against the fact if something was so happen. Hehe! I've been waiting to find someone I cld share information with that dsnt put me down for stating my opinion. Or someone that's interested in what I enjoy & not put me me down making a comment bout my stupidity or something in that sort. I want to let lose & get back to who I was. So far this person I've been sharing my time with has allowed me to be me again. I'm sure I'll figure out I have friends still out there. But knowing someone who has basically been here all along & finding out we share common stuff & enjoy the company of others & our kids makes ms know that the life I was living wasn't worth trying for. I deserve better. & when i find myself enjoying myself?...everyone else out there will see me too.
Today has been a great day. Spending my day with Jman. Having his party with friends & family. Then ending it with a great night with chill people & a person I may be shy with now in person but wanting to get to know in the future :-)
Heres to a great day for me & my people!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Finding someone when you've already found them
Looking back into the day I walked passed you during parties, caught conversations when out friends were talking, caught the same movie when people we know invited us both. Passing glances without even noticing. Where were we when this all happened? Did we know that maybe it could have been more than what it was? Did you even imagine us having anything incommen such as music, movies, thoughts, feelings & emotions?
Talking to you now makes me wish we had noticed those things. I should have made more effort to get to know who you were. I've learned you're sensitive. I've learned you really care. The things people make you out to be isn't quite as I thought.
I hope things get better, & we grow a lil closer. I hope the time allows us to learn more & brings what we've missed out on to action.
It's amazing what a lil chat online or texting can do when creating a friendship like I see evolving.
I want to see more.
Talking to you now makes me wish we had noticed those things. I should have made more effort to get to know who you were. I've learned you're sensitive. I've learned you really care. The things people make you out to be isn't quite as I thought.
I hope things get better, & we grow a lil closer. I hope the time allows us to learn more & brings what we've missed out on to action.
It's amazing what a lil chat online or texting can do when creating a friendship like I see evolving.
I want to see more.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
my time away from you
You have allowed me to spend some time away from you. Course it's mainly because you told me that you didn't want to see me. I miss you. I think I will always miss you. I worry more and more. I worry when I don't hear from you. I worry when I don't see you. It makes me nervous when I can't see you.
Knowing there are things going on in your head that aren't safe scares me. But I think in the back of my head that you're going to be ok.
I know you're going to be ok. I have to think that. I have to think the positive because all I want to do it think the negative.
I have been spending a lot of time to myself lately. I think it has been good. I feel guilty at times that I enjoy it, but I know it's for the best. I know things will continue to be easier. They have to. Right??
I will always love you, care for you and want to be with you. I know I can't be tho.
This is for you and me.
Between you and me.
Forever and Always yours,
Hollie
Knowing there are things going on in your head that aren't safe scares me. But I think in the back of my head that you're going to be ok.
I know you're going to be ok. I have to think that. I have to think the positive because all I want to do it think the negative.
I have been spending a lot of time to myself lately. I think it has been good. I feel guilty at times that I enjoy it, but I know it's for the best. I know things will continue to be easier. They have to. Right??
I will always love you, care for you and want to be with you. I know I can't be tho.
This is for you and me.
Between you and me.
Forever and Always yours,
Hollie
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
spending times like these
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be someone else. If it's really the same as I am today. The perspective of being someone else is like being me. Being able to only few what's around you and now all around the world. What people are thinking, feeling, seeing...pretty much everything. Is it me who only focuses on me, or is there someone else in the world that can see my life the way I see it??
I fear for my son to get older sometimes. I fear for him of this world that we all live in. The unpredicablness of it. The people in it that we can't trust. Just seems like the population of that "group" that we can't trust continues to grow daily. I don't want Jasper to be introduced to those people. Change his personality of life from happiness and joy to doubt of everything. His perspective on life is safety and love. I know this. As he gets older he'll see the fear we all have about going out in public in certain areas, talking to strangers about certain projects of our days, the fear of walking down the street or going to the park. To him, he doesn't have that fear. He just knows when he's with his loved ones, he's gonna be happy.
I think about all the things that have changed in this world. How little we can trust people due to all the deadly sins there are now. I think back as to how the world was really like. But was it really as easy as we all thought? Or has it always been like this, we just now opened our eyes and noticed it all happening. There's nothing in this world now to talk about but death, violence and greed. When you watch the news today it's rare to hear something positive about the world and how it's going. They only point out the negative of it because that is what gets peoples minds going. The concern we have for the life outside our homes. It attracts us because we want to know where it was, how we can prevent it or if we can.
Living is the scary part of life. Not knowing what to expect or what will be worse down the road. Between the movies being mad, and the ideas put in people's heads, life is just continuing to be even more scary than we could ever imagine.
I fear for my son to get older sometimes. I fear for him of this world that we all live in. The unpredicablness of it. The people in it that we can't trust. Just seems like the population of that "group" that we can't trust continues to grow daily. I don't want Jasper to be introduced to those people. Change his personality of life from happiness and joy to doubt of everything. His perspective on life is safety and love. I know this. As he gets older he'll see the fear we all have about going out in public in certain areas, talking to strangers about certain projects of our days, the fear of walking down the street or going to the park. To him, he doesn't have that fear. He just knows when he's with his loved ones, he's gonna be happy.
I think about all the things that have changed in this world. How little we can trust people due to all the deadly sins there are now. I think back as to how the world was really like. But was it really as easy as we all thought? Or has it always been like this, we just now opened our eyes and noticed it all happening. There's nothing in this world now to talk about but death, violence and greed. When you watch the news today it's rare to hear something positive about the world and how it's going. They only point out the negative of it because that is what gets peoples minds going. The concern we have for the life outside our homes. It attracts us because we want to know where it was, how we can prevent it or if we can.
Living is the scary part of life. Not knowing what to expect or what will be worse down the road. Between the movies being mad, and the ideas put in people's heads, life is just continuing to be even more scary than we could ever imagine.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
being forgotten
Life introduces you to many people. Sometimes they're bad, sometimes they're good and sometimes they're people you build relationships with. I enjoy meeting people in general because I feel it makes your life a lil bit more colorful. You will always have some kind of memory of the people you meet. Doesn't have to be a huge memory, just a memory in general.
My favorite memory is meeting my Taco Bell clan. They were the people I caught myself being me. I learned who I was with them. And I didn't have to be anyone else BUT me! Those people will ALWAYS have a huge part in my life. Sam was my bestie throughout high school. He kept me laughing and always got into my head. Jana was the one person I felt I could really see eye to eye to when it came to emotions and feeling on life. Jamie kept you on your toes and knew how to make the party fun. Eventually we added Manny who I enjoyed talking to a lot. Defiantly in my state of "drunkenness". We could chill for hours of the night chatting away bout anything and everything. Jeremy and Tony were just hilarious to have around when you need a good laugh. And SeanJohn was a good add in. (everyone knew, but he was my secret crush for awhile but then he became one of my best friends) Chillin out with them kept me relaxed and known that I had people to go to when I needed someone. No matter what. That kind of impact on some one's life is rare. I'm proud to have had that.
I've had many love in my life. Joe was of course one first. He was perfect for my parents but when high school hit my life, everything just flew out the window for everything with me. That's when I met Kevin. he was my "first-first". Between marching band, color guard and winter guard, he was there with me the whole way. We dealt through a lot in those years, and I know me he will always remember that part of his life as well. Dustin was the next step in my "guy life". I honestly don't know where all that began or ended. I know that sounds wrong, but the things that progressed in that short time turned to just plain weird. Justin then came into my life and stuck there for awhile off and on. He brought out the rebellious side of me I guess. Between sneaking out, breaking into parks, and staying out at all hours of the night?...I think we pretty much had a lot of fun. Then he gave me Jasper. My one and only man i know I can trust and be there when i need him. After I had Jman, Justin kinda vanished off and on for awhile till I met Kris. The one love in my life I felt was the right feeling to have. We've had our rough patches, but he makes me feel like things could really not go wrong anymore. Course they did. Trust became an issues between us both. And lying became an issue. So we had our drifting part happen and now we're stuck in the rut of not knowing which direction to go on. I love him to death. He will aways be my Superman. And deep down I hope everything comes out ok between us.
I've also had my fallen times. Where my crushes happened. Every girl creates crushes in their life. There's one in mind I had for a long time when I was hanging out with the Taco Bell peeps and that was Manny. *blush* I know it's prob one of those "impossible crushes", but it did happen. Course he wasn't aware of it AT ALL! LoL. I think I just enjoyed his company when I needed it the most and that's how my feelings got the best of me. Know one knew of this because I was just too scared to mention it, plus we had our "relationships" at the time. SeanJohn was another that I had BAD! It was almost embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hung out a lot. And drank a lot. And....well...you know. Things happen. He was a great bestie though. He was their when you needed him and he was good company. I have missed him a lot lately.
Friends tend to come and go in my life. I hate that. I've a good amount of girl friends. I talk to most from time to time. Jenn has her own fam now, but I know if I need her I could always give her a heads up and she'll be there. Crystal is the same way. She may be in Denton at the moment, but we still love each other.
As much as I have gone through in my life, my life has only made me stronger, smarter and more prepared for the future. That's all you can really ask for.
Hollie
My favorite memory is meeting my Taco Bell clan. They were the people I caught myself being me. I learned who I was with them. And I didn't have to be anyone else BUT me! Those people will ALWAYS have a huge part in my life. Sam was my bestie throughout high school. He kept me laughing and always got into my head. Jana was the one person I felt I could really see eye to eye to when it came to emotions and feeling on life. Jamie kept you on your toes and knew how to make the party fun. Eventually we added Manny who I enjoyed talking to a lot. Defiantly in my state of "drunkenness". We could chill for hours of the night chatting away bout anything and everything. Jeremy and Tony were just hilarious to have around when you need a good laugh. And SeanJohn was a good add in. (everyone knew, but he was my secret crush for awhile but then he became one of my best friends) Chillin out with them kept me relaxed and known that I had people to go to when I needed someone. No matter what. That kind of impact on some one's life is rare. I'm proud to have had that.
I've had many love in my life. Joe was of course one first. He was perfect for my parents but when high school hit my life, everything just flew out the window for everything with me. That's when I met Kevin. he was my "first-first". Between marching band, color guard and winter guard, he was there with me the whole way. We dealt through a lot in those years, and I know me he will always remember that part of his life as well. Dustin was the next step in my "guy life". I honestly don't know where all that began or ended. I know that sounds wrong, but the things that progressed in that short time turned to just plain weird. Justin then came into my life and stuck there for awhile off and on. He brought out the rebellious side of me I guess. Between sneaking out, breaking into parks, and staying out at all hours of the night?...I think we pretty much had a lot of fun. Then he gave me Jasper. My one and only man i know I can trust and be there when i need him. After I had Jman, Justin kinda vanished off and on for awhile till I met Kris. The one love in my life I felt was the right feeling to have. We've had our rough patches, but he makes me feel like things could really not go wrong anymore. Course they did. Trust became an issues between us both. And lying became an issue. So we had our drifting part happen and now we're stuck in the rut of not knowing which direction to go on. I love him to death. He will aways be my Superman. And deep down I hope everything comes out ok between us.
I've also had my fallen times. Where my crushes happened. Every girl creates crushes in their life. There's one in mind I had for a long time when I was hanging out with the Taco Bell peeps and that was Manny. *blush* I know it's prob one of those "impossible crushes", but it did happen. Course he wasn't aware of it AT ALL! LoL. I think I just enjoyed his company when I needed it the most and that's how my feelings got the best of me. Know one knew of this because I was just too scared to mention it, plus we had our "relationships" at the time. SeanJohn was another that I had BAD! It was almost embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hung out a lot. And drank a lot. And....well...you know. Things happen. He was a great bestie though. He was their when you needed him and he was good company. I have missed him a lot lately.
Friends tend to come and go in my life. I hate that. I've a good amount of girl friends. I talk to most from time to time. Jenn has her own fam now, but I know if I need her I could always give her a heads up and she'll be there. Crystal is the same way. She may be in Denton at the moment, but we still love each other.
As much as I have gone through in my life, my life has only made me stronger, smarter and more prepared for the future. That's all you can really ask for.
Hollie
Friday, April 1, 2011
today is the day...
Looking back at all the shit I have done in the past 4years has kinda upset me some. I let having a kid slow me down on what I should have accomplished. I don't blam Jasper at all! If anything he made my life TONS better! I am the one controlling my life, and I'm the one that should have tooken control of the things I had set.
Going back to school and becoming some sort of nurse would be AMAZING! Since I was little i always wanted to do something in the medical field.
I love helping people.
I also have those "unlikely" dreams of becoming a ballerina, photographer or a singer. NOT HAPPENING! LoL!
I have new dreams now that I have to set myself. Jasper's future. He needs a good opportunity to make himself, him. He loves doing sports. He loves learning new things. And he great at remembering things. He has a kind heart too! He's what wakes me up in the morning and lets me know everything is goign to be ok. \
Give me some kinda push tho, universe. I need to find that path that is going to help me on the path I'm looking for.
until next time...
Hollie
Going back to school and becoming some sort of nurse would be AMAZING! Since I was little i always wanted to do something in the medical field.
I love helping people.
I also have those "unlikely" dreams of becoming a ballerina, photographer or a singer. NOT HAPPENING! LoL!
I have new dreams now that I have to set myself. Jasper's future. He needs a good opportunity to make himself, him. He loves doing sports. He loves learning new things. And he great at remembering things. He has a kind heart too! He's what wakes me up in the morning and lets me know everything is goign to be ok. \
Give me some kinda push tho, universe. I need to find that path that is going to help me on the path I'm looking for.
until next time...
Hollie
Friday, March 25, 2011
day 1 of the mind of hollie...
Ok. So this is it, huh? Well I am one to write my thoughts down but not to type them. I guess I am always afraid of who will actually read it. Mainly a good handful of people. People that prob don't even care what I am doing. I know it's gotta be stupid, but it's whatever!
I am just a small town chick that lives in Midlothian. I am currently wrkn at Blockbuster (no lame as remarks please).
Hmmm...let's see. Since I should be getting ready for work I will try and make this quick.
I have an AMAZING son Jasper Cole Wright! He is my one and only! And I think right now, he is the only one that can make me smile. I have a great family. And a pretty good amount of friends. Mainly text/FB friends. I don't get out really. Between work and Jman, my schedule is pretty much set. Sometimes I like it like that, but I do have my moment.
I'm a writer, a photographer, a reader and a HUGE dreamer. (non professional) I tend to always imagine, "what if". I know it's insane, but it's what makes me sane for the most part.
I dream I have a great lifestyle. I dream I have someone that loves spending time with me and accepts the fact I am going to have Jman always in my life. I dream that i will go to school and make lots better for myself. I could dream on forever if I allowed myself to.
Love is my big prob. LOVE. What is that? Does it exsist for a woman and a man? Love. Hmm...I think about it all the time. It's droven me crazy since my first real relationship. A lot happened in that relationship a 15year old shlouldn't really have to go through. But it did happen. I think that's what ruined me and my life view. I have never blammed anyone but myself. That is because i chose to do what I did and no one could have made that decision but me. I think "things happen for a reason" but that "what if" has always popped into my head. I push it aside though. As well as everything else. Love. Huh. I always thought the guy I am "with" right now had that. We lost it though. How do you lose love? Can you?
Well i have ran off subject.
I continue that another time. Trust me...that's my specialty. Questioning love.
I do know one thing. I REALLY love Jasper. And I know every mother has to love their child. I can tell you one thing. The feeling you have, when that baby is placed in you're arms 9months after it's been inside you is incredable. Undescribable. It's a feeling no one could take back, change or forget. If that's not love, I will find out what it is and never let go!
Well this is what's going on in my head right now.
And I will be back on next time, hopefully with something more positive.
Hollie
I am just a small town chick that lives in Midlothian. I am currently wrkn at Blockbuster (no lame as remarks please).
Hmmm...let's see. Since I should be getting ready for work I will try and make this quick.
I have an AMAZING son Jasper Cole Wright! He is my one and only! And I think right now, he is the only one that can make me smile. I have a great family. And a pretty good amount of friends. Mainly text/FB friends. I don't get out really. Between work and Jman, my schedule is pretty much set. Sometimes I like it like that, but I do have my moment.
I'm a writer, a photographer, a reader and a HUGE dreamer. (non professional) I tend to always imagine, "what if". I know it's insane, but it's what makes me sane for the most part.
I dream I have a great lifestyle. I dream I have someone that loves spending time with me and accepts the fact I am going to have Jman always in my life. I dream that i will go to school and make lots better for myself. I could dream on forever if I allowed myself to.
Love is my big prob. LOVE. What is that? Does it exsist for a woman and a man? Love. Hmm...I think about it all the time. It's droven me crazy since my first real relationship. A lot happened in that relationship a 15year old shlouldn't really have to go through. But it did happen. I think that's what ruined me and my life view. I have never blammed anyone but myself. That is because i chose to do what I did and no one could have made that decision but me. I think "things happen for a reason" but that "what if" has always popped into my head. I push it aside though. As well as everything else. Love. Huh. I always thought the guy I am "with" right now had that. We lost it though. How do you lose love? Can you?
Well i have ran off subject.
I continue that another time. Trust me...that's my specialty. Questioning love.
I do know one thing. I REALLY love Jasper. And I know every mother has to love their child. I can tell you one thing. The feeling you have, when that baby is placed in you're arms 9months after it's been inside you is incredable. Undescribable. It's a feeling no one could take back, change or forget. If that's not love, I will find out what it is and never let go!
Well this is what's going on in my head right now.
And I will be back on next time, hopefully with something more positive.
Hollie
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