fear of fear itself

fear

 [feer] Show IPA

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

 

 

Everyone has a fear of something. Rather it comes from love, sadness, happiness. Truly anything can be a fear to someone. The fear to fall in love. The fear to make a change. The fear to cry. The fear to accept. Fear is all around us. People can see it, feel it, act on it and some even use it. Some use it on others. Some try to use it to hurt others. 

 

I fear of not being there. 

 

Of not making the right decision.

 

I fear of being alone. 

 

I fear of being left behind.  

 

I fear of love. 

 

We all like to think we're unique. But when it comes to our fears, we're anything but. Some fears are just universal, but they don’t have to be misunderstood
Fear is the enemy of self confidence. Self-confident people face their fears and act. Procrastination is the manifestation of fear.

Usually, the answer is on the 12 most common fears.
Which of these stop you from moving forward?
1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success
3. Fear of being judged
4. Fear of emotional pain
5. Fear of embarrassment.
6. Fear of being abandoned or being alone
7. Fear of rejection
8. Fear of expressing your true feelings
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Fear of the unknown
11. Fear of loss
12. Fear of death

I fear things constantly.

Just tonight I walked into my son's room, laid down with him and just watched him sleep. Instantly the fear of something happening to me and not being able to watch him grow up rushed into my mind. With the surgery coming up in just a couple of day?...I am afraid I am going to be put under and not wake up. I am afraid that someone is going to be in charge of raising my child and that he will not remember who I was to him. I know the happening of that is slim. I am aware that things like that just don't happen all the time. But the fear is still there. There really isn't any way to control it.

I fear of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible of not knowing what to do. Not knowing of how to act. Or even feel.

Another circumstance has become just recent after I lost my job.

The fear of starting over. Knowing good and well that I was "praying" for it to come. I was needing it to come. Although that fear isn't quite there anymore, I know that it will come when it actually happens.

Everyone feels in their different ways. And everyone carries there fear in different ways.

On top of the fear of failing, starting fresh and not being there for my child, I have gained a fear of loneliness. Fear that yes, I will always have Jasper and my family. But the fear that I will just continue watching my friends and peers starting their lives. Moving on to love. Moving on to families of their own. And me not ever seeing that.  I would love the opportunity to wake up one morning to someone I call my husband and my child(ren) jumping into bed with us in the morning. Attempting us to wake up and make breakfast. All of you know...the "picture-perfect" family morning we all see movies. I want that. I want a man to look me into the my eyes and tell me they love me. The out of random notice ask me to marry them.

Fear of mistakes.

Fear of life it self.

Fear.

Without fear who can we all really be but people not making that chance to make a chance. We would have already done it without a thought in mind. Jumping off the ledge wouldn't even phase us as something crazy because that fear would never cross our minds. Chances would just not be made because without fear they are just simple actions of life. So even though we fear fear itself?...I also fear of not having fear.

We would never experience anything that makes our heart beat 10x's faster. Or tears of joy or sadness.

Without fear?...we just wouldn't think.

Last night I had a dream of you.
I woke up believing I was in your arms once again. And woke up alone.

This week has been a little better than it was last week. Of course this is the first "official" week that I will be spending it as unemployed. Losing my job has been more and more rough on me. It seems that I can't do anything until my surgery is done. If I do decide to have it. My mom doesn't think that I should have the surgery. I don't know if it is because of the risks...or because of the money....or just because. She believes that if I work on my weight and diet then I will be ok. That it will allow them to disappear. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I know if I have it, it will be done and over with and I can not have to worry about it anymore.

It's weird how things happen.
How things in your life can just change.

I am losing track on who I am.
Who I can be. And who I want to be.

At this moment there are only a few people in my life now that I am truly happy with. Not many things have been. But knowing I have them in my life?...has made this last weekend so much easier to cope with.

So tonight I may dream of you with your arms wrapped around me. Deeply knowing that it's not really you. But just having that dream makes it all worth while until I can see you again.
  

Today was a long and exhausting day. I got a pretty good amount done though.

I will most likely be headed to bed early today like I did last night. I'm beat!

It looks like I upset a friend today. Just by being honest on how I felt. I know I probably let them down. But I just didn't want to lie to them. I know they will eventually let it go. But it still urks me that it happened.

This day was still pretty good. I got some okay sleep last night. Got my tires rotated and balanced. Picked up stuff from Party City for Jasper's party this Sunday. Stopped at Wal*Mart twice to get some more stuff for Jasper's party and stuff for dinner. I should have done some laundry but maybe I can do it tomorrow after work. Things are slowly coming together. The one thing I am going to have to work on is watch what i'm spending outside the stuff I need to get. I am finding myself eat out more and I need to stop for Jasper and mine's health as well as financial.

I got to talk to my someone today for a bit. Although I see him on a good occasion, I don't really get a lot of time to talk to him. I miss him being able to come over and hangout with me and Jasper. I am excited that he gets to come to Jasper's party Sunday :-) WOOT WOOT! I am a bit nervous of him meeting my dad...but he seems to be ok with it. My dad is concerned of his age difference between me and him, but my dad has got to understand that with my maturity level I need someone of that age to keep up with me and my lifestyle. Plus he's great with Jasper even though he doesn't have an kids of his own.

When Brit comes back from leave I will be able to spend some more time with him. But right now we will just have to take what we can get.

It's amazing what more & more things that happen when you're growing up. Some things never change from high school while others  just progress to more & more responsibility.

unwanted attention vs. wanted attention

I haven't always been good with attention drawn towards me. It's never been something I've just never could accept.

I have had a good amount of unwanted attention in my 25yrs. And as always, I have a lot of wanted attention.

When someone comes into your life (regardless of the time frame) and they push to get your attention it just makes me want to press the the fast forward button so they would get out of my life.

I have someone in my life right now thats giving me unwanted attention. At first I was being ok with it thinking it was just something that was a "friendly" joke. But now it's just getting uncomfortable and more and more unwanted.

All I want is continue getting my attention from the ones I want.

purpose

Everything and everyone has some purpose. Rather they choose to believe or not. They may not come into the world for that reason, but there is always something. Each person gives them self a purpose. Others give others a purpose as well.

I once believe numerous times that someone had given me a purpose. A purpose to go on. A purpose to live. A purpose to smile.

Right now I have a purpose. Because of the certain people I have in my life, I have that purpose to move on and fight back for what I could have.

Jasper is my number one purpose of life. I am his. Without each other we wouldn't be anywhere.

I have a new purpose to add on to my list. This purpose is to possibly have someone. Someone to separate myself from being just a mom. But a someone to someone. He is my purpose to hope that I won't be alone I know there is no way of seeing long term. And right now, if you knew my life then you would see there is no time for that. But just knowing for the time being...he's still there gives me the purpose.

I want to be someone's purpose. I want someone to believe in their mind and heart that I could be there purpose to wake up in the morning, their purpose to smile when there is no one around, share memories of things that no one else could laugh about. A purpose to wake up just slightly earlier just so you can watch them smile in there dreams. A purpose to sneak a hug or kiss when no one is around. To sneak a kiss or hug when there is.

Give me purpose just so I can be someone's purpose. 

.....

SCREW YOU THEN!!!!!

sinking

So I have been watching this show that's like an "old school" Grey's Anatomy. There was just an episode that had an old man suffering with ALS and after a bad car accident he was put in a situation that made him have to be on life support for the remainder of his life added on to ALS as well. After knowing he was going to have to live with life support he decided to take himself off life support and donate his organs to people he had met in the hospital.

How do you know when you're ready to die?

If you had to choose to live or die, what would you choose?

When I think of what the world would be like without me it scares he shit out of me.

When I really focus on the thought a huge sinking feeling happens. I imagine myself going. I the people in my life living it without me there. I see Jasper older and living his life without me there. Is there more to life after you really do pass away? There is so much to believe in. What should you believe though?

I know life isn't forever. People come and go everyday. Some people see it when they are about to pass and others don't.

I'm scared to see where I go.

I always have wondered if people get to "relive" their lives. If they get so many chances. A chance to finish what they couldn't? I chance to redo things to make it better the next time around? Is this how some people succeed in life and others don't? Or is this really it? I'm not saying my life is completely horrible...but there were things that could have gone better. The timings could have been better.

I always have to keep myself from thinking because I find myself thinking of me not being there anymore. And the sinking feelings stick deeper and deeper as I continue to think about it.

Once I didn't distract myself from thinking about it. Once I kept trying to see where the sinking would end up if I didnt stop it. After blacking out, closer to a good 20minutes later I found myself covered in blood and my mom screaming at me. I tried to physically make the sinking feeling escape.

I found myself thinking about the same thing again last night. No i din't do anything physical. But I almost wanted to. Having Jasper in my life prevents me to even think about doing anything like that. I have a reason to live. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. He gives me a reason to enjoy staying up that extra hour to make sure he stuff is ready for the morning. Or wake up that extra hour to get his breakfast ready and get him ready to start his day. I love every minute of it

I am scared to die because of Jasper. He needs me.
And I need him.

selfish

Sitting here outside thinking of what to do next.

What's my next step?

All I can do right now it think.

Think why?

Why did I get chosen to deal with things like this?

I know that I am not the only one that has to deal with it.

But I am having a selfish moment I guess. I already have way too much to be dealing with than adding this onto what all I have to deal with.

I am moving on with things in my life. Things that took me years to finally do. I used all my strength and power to make those steps in my life. Taking a path is just going to distant me in the direction I am wanting to follow. Sometimes I just want someone to assure me that things will be okay.

I am scared I am not going to have a job soon. I am scared that I will then lose the things I have been struggling for. Sometime I think that I am all alone in this. Knowing I'm not. I know that I have people in my life that care for me and are willing to help. But non of them are willing to take the time to listen to what's going on inside me. I used to have my sister here that I would talk to constantly about things. But since she moved...I don't really talk to her anymore. At least not as much as I used to. I miss her.

I'm sure I have heard "don't worry about it" TONS of times! But I do. I can't help it.

I feel around this time is when my life falls apart. Things happen to where I have to start all over again. I can't do that again!

unexpectedness...

un·ex·pect·ed

 [uhn-ik-spek-tid] Show IPA

adjective

not expected;  unforeseen; surprising: an unexpected pleasure; an unexpected development.

 

Unexpectedness is something I could never live without. 

 

Not knowing what's coming could be somewhat of a challenge but also a mystery. 

 

Unexpectedly opening your door to someone you care about with flowers.

Unexpectedly being shown a secret place to show me the stars.

Unexpectedly falling for someone.

 

Everything comes unexpectedly in my life. 

 

Cancer.

Pregnancy. 

Broken hearts.

Son at 19.

Not going to school.

Loss of job.

Moving back home.

Liver failure.

  

Things happen for a reason. I am told that a lot.

Sometimes I would like to be explained things.

Like why am I given a guy that I care for and I can't share it with everyone?
Why am I given more excuses to not go back to school. Or a chance to go to the hospital and talk to someone about everything that is going on in my body?

Unexpectedness It happens in everyone's lives.

But how do you accept the unexpected that brings you down?

How do you control the unexpected that makes you SO happy?

How do you unexpectedly tell the person you care for that you're happy without knowing unexpectedly making them jump out of your life?

Right now...I am unexpectedly happy. Even with the crazy stuff around me. This unexpectedness is good....and I don't want it to end.   

Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure
What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
What am I waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Stops my bones from wondering just who I am...
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
Some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know...
So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
No. When I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
Who the fuck wants to die alone?
My heart is breaking and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into those eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance

sitting here...

So I am sitting here watching my brother (Addisen) in the hospital. No one knows what's going on, or what's wrong with him. I am getting kinda worried. I know we've been joking around saying, "we need to bring House here...he can fix it". I wish! I know he is doing good. But it still worries me that he isn't home yet.

It makes me think of what all could happen instantly.

Today I woke up. Shared some time with my "secret" friend. We made lunch together. Was really nice spending some time with him. This whole week has been crazy! Knowing I have him to spend  my extra time with...away from work and home things, helps a lot.

This week was Jasper's first week of kindergarten. Thursday I had to take my first sick day because I felt like shit. All day Wednesday I couldn't keep anything down and then Thursday my head was killing me and I couldn't eat anything. I found out that my bro was admitted into the ER Wednesday and he is still in here. Jasper has been spending the Labor Day weekend with my parents at the lake. He has been fishing and swimming and spending lots of time with his cousin and grandparents. HE IS LOVING IT! I am glad he got to get away and do something "manly" with his Poppy George. It also helped me help out my seester here at the hospital while she took care of things at her work when she had to, and her house to get things ready for when Addy does come home.

It's amazing how things can happen to people you care for.

I know this is just a "diary/journal" post...but it's something.