F you

I'm done trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth being friends with. I'm done worrying about what everyone thinks when it comes to me choosing who i want to be with. I'm done being made felt like I'm the worst person in the world after I bust my ass day after day to make sure myself and my son has a home to come home to. I wake up daily proud to be the mom I am. The person I am. I may make wrong or crazy decisions or make changes in my life when I feel it's something needed...but who doesn't? It kills me inside knowing I have people in the world that hate me. People in this world that dislike me. People in this world that only see me by what people tell them. I'm human. I know it shouldn't bother me, but looking up my friends on Facebook and noticing I have been deleted makes me feel pretty shitty too. But I still go on! I say FUCK everyone who thinks I'm wrong into feeling proud of who i am. And I say FUCK you to the people that feel they can't be my friend because they have to chose one side or the other. And fuck that person that put them in that position and help make them chose. I may not have had a logical explanation but I chose what I did for me. And if anyone wants to even consider knowing what it has been like to be in my shoes....well I'd say go ahead and ask instead of hiding behind ur opinions and your information on what you think you know about me. 

feeling forgotten

I know I have a great family. And I have some pretty good friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have I would like to say they are pretty good.
Recently I have lost a few and I miss talking to them.
I have been trying to talk to and/or hangout with one that I hvnt' seen in awhile and I have truly missed having that person to talk to.
But with my schedule and theirs it seems to mess things up.
This weekend we were supposed to hangout but they had "over booked" the weekend a lil and it looks like we have to reschedule.
I am not mad at that person. But I am disappointed.
Because of the reasoning.
I hate that I have to miss out on things.
I miss out on a lot.
I see my younger sister seeing the world. Able to do what she has always thought of doing and expanding her life's adventure.
I see my older sister buying a new car, a new house, getting married and able to go out to do things like concerts, parties and what not.
Why can't life be easier for me?
All I have needed was some friend time. Some time to make myself feel human again.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish things could just come to me just as easy.
The weekend plan thing isn't a horrible thing. And I can't wait to hangout with that friend.
But this has hit a "nerve" or "sensitive" spot that has been growing inside of me for awhile now.
It just sucks.

My Fault

I took a walk on a Saturday nightFog in the airJust to make my mind seem clearWhere do I go from here?I see my breath pushing steam through the airShaking hands run through my hairMy fears, where do I go from here?Is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Walking down to the water's edgeAsking why I’m here instead of homeNow I stand aloneI stop to stare at the ocean sideI'm breathing in just to feel it’s sidewith his like you were here with meIs it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest nightIt's in the brightest lightIt's when the world is movingOh, it's in the faintest cryIt's in the lover's eyeIs when I need you mostAnd don't you know?Is it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Possible love

I've lost someone I could possibly love. Not aware of what it could have been...but it certainly was in arms reach of something. And now it's gone. 

blessed but broken

I have been feeling VERY blessed lately.
Knowing I have so many people in my life that I can love and hangout with.
I know me and Jasper will always have out family.
These last few feelings of feeling blessed has been pretty amazing.
I still feel like something is missing on my end.
I see all these couples truly loving each other and it makes me miss what I could have.
When I have that though, it's hard for me to hold on to it.
I wish I wasn't broken.
I wish I could just accept someone caring for me and hold on to it.
I love how my life is now.
Knowing I have a lil man that adores me so much, and knowing I have someone that will always be there for me makes me so happy to wake up in the morning.
Knowing though that he will not always be there makes me worry about being alone.
I want to hold on to someone for me and my "intimate" feelings.
I know this may seem selfish,
but I just wish I could be strong enough to have that love.

I'm taking this time

Not sure where to go from here.
There are many things I wanted in my life that I would love to achieve.
I don't see them happening though.
I see myself like this yearly getting closer to being alone once Jman graduates and heads to college.
I know I chose this for myself, but sometimes I just expect more.
I would love more.
I just hope that soon later on down the road I won't be looked upon as a failure.
I know there are those people that will always love me regardless on where I am in my life, but sometimes i have that feeling that they were hoping for more for me.
I hope for more.
I hope daily I can get up in the morning and achieve what I want to do for that day.
I wake up weekly setting that goal for myself but I never seem to finish everything on that "list".
There seems to always be something else.
I put other's wants in front of my own and that puts everything on my list to take that step back.
I try so hard to bring those people in my life and make them apart of my life. But there seems to be something that pushes them out again.
There is never that time where you can keep them in your life long enough to know where it could have gone.
Sadly it happens.
Knowing that it happens puts me back down again where I chose to push back more things.
It's my own fault not able to handle everything...
It's my own fault not trying harder.

I take this time to apologize for the times I took for myself and left those others behind.
I take this time to hope time allows myself to take those steps in my life that could better me.
I take this time to be selfish and hope no one looks down on me for it.

?

Sometimes no matter how much you want something, you can't have it.
Life is like that.
But you have to just let life go on and accept that maybe there is something better out there for you.

Everyone has that one thing that encourages you to do better.
And sometimes that push will allow them to go above and beyond to do better for yourself.
Holding on to things is what slows down the process of achieving that goal they set.
They want to "include" that something special to them, and sometimes the result in that will put you right back to where you were before you even began.
You can't wait for people to catch up with you. You can't have them hold you back.
As much as it may hurt, once you make it to that "better" life  you have been trying to achieve you will then realize the time it took for you to get there.

i figured it out!!!

i KNOW WHATS WRONG!

I am not this psycho chick!

I know what i'm afraid of and I know what makes me do this EVERYTIME!

UGH!

oh well.

i guess it's better late then never

confusion

I am confused.

Confused on what to believe.

Confused on what I want.

Confused on who I am.

I am just confused.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I try to ignore the confusion...and it doesn't help.

I know I should know what I want in my life, but I don't.

I have recently felt like the choice I have made is the wrong one.
And there is no way to fix it.

I know I can't go back.
But I know if I chose to go forward it would be hard to forget the past.

Mentally my state of thought is to hold back.

But knowing I hold back?....makes me think of what I missed.

I've allowed someone to leave my side because I got confused.
I may have turned the corner in that situation and in hopes to come back around but it was just too far forgotten. I lost it all.

And now it's going to be gone.

The shit choices I make for myself make me worry for the choices I make in the future.

And knowing I can't fix it makes it all the worse.

The Princess with the lost smile

There once was a princess who didn't have a smile. Her smile had faded long ago when she was younger, and had forgotten how to bring it back. She was in fear she could never find her smile again. Many princes from many kingdoms had tried to come shower her with many gifts to help her find her smile. But all failed.

One day, as she was walking through her village, she had seen a man in armor guarding an old unknown building. His armor seemed to be much more tarnished and dented up than the other guards she had seem throughout her kingdom. He seemed to be very strong underneath when she looked into his eyes from across the streets, but there seemed something missing. As she walked closer to him, she looked into his eyes more and notice a slight shiver. The poor knight had been cold sitting in the shade for so long. As the wind slightly whistled through the trees, she noticed more of the shivering from underneath his armor.

She carried on her walk, thinking of what she could do for this knight to allow him some warmth. Maybe even just a little warmth would help.

The next week she was going along her daily walk and noticed the knight again in the same shaded spot.
She felt she had to do something. She approached the knight with precaution not knowing if the knight had seen her through his armor. She had been nervous approaching him closer than she had done the day before. As she was introducing herself, he slowly bowed towards her and quickly took off his helmet once as he knew the princess should see his face as she tried talking to him. The princess was shocked to see how cold he seemed. His eyes looked so strong, but knew by the cold chill bumps that he needed to get some warmth soon. She asked the knight where he had served before. They then began to talk more. She learned so much from his stories from seeing the world. Knowing so much about the kingdoms around her, learning her new things she had never known before. The evening started to get colder a little as the sun got closer to setting. She knew she had to go, but felt leaving him in the cold would bother her through the night worse than it did the night before. She mentioned her kingdom could always use some new knights in the castle and that she would talk to her father about getting him a position to protect the gardens where they would be able to see each other daily, and he could keep warm in the sun and not in the shade.

Weeks went by and the princess and the knight spent a lot of time in the garden talking and learning about each other. The princess grew fond of this knight. They would sit out and talk about anything. The air, the warm sun, the dreams they had for themselves. Everything seemed great.

Months passed as the princess had fallen to really care for this knight. She was sitting at home in her room thinking of how amazing she was feeling inside and out. She then noticed she was smiling. She ran into her bathroom and looked into her mirror and couldn't help but smile at her own smile. She had found her smile and the knight was the one who had found it for her.

The next afternoon, she ran up to the knight and just smiled at him. He continued on his conversation they had the day before. Not noticing the smile. She was showing him so much of how she was feeling and how amazing it was to smile at him.

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to another month where the smile continued to be unnoticed.

She tried all the things she could think of to express how she cared for this Knight. But behind all his armor, she really couldn't see any change on how he felt about her. She was confused. She felt she had given so much to the knight. Her kindness, her garden to keep warm, her company....she had shared so much with this knight and never really realized that behind all that armor, she really didn't know him. She then turned sad again. The smile faded slowly through out the weeks. And since the knight never noticed the smile before, he never really noticed her frown had come too.

She then decided to stay home one week.

She would walk by him in the gardens and wave at him, but other than a "Hello" there was really know change in how the knight acted. It was as though her presence was nothing more than a lose leave blowing in the wind.

So she decided to leave him be. He could keep his armor self and go on his way.

A bit after she had gone her own way. The knight startled her with a visit.
She had been happy to see him, but not happy enough to smile again.
The knight apologized for not noticing her smile. He let her know how beautiful it was but he didn't know that not telling her would hurt her so bad. His armor hid so much.
The princess didnt know what to do.
She had lost her smile again and didnt think it could come back agian.
She felt bad that since the armor shielded his true feelings, that she contiued to talk to him a little bit longer.

She had decided later that she wanted to see the knight without his armor.
She wanted to see what he was hiding.
She felt she deserved to see how he was really feeling.
As soon as she knew what was hiding, she could try and find her smile again.