I am one to worry.
To think more about the negative but hide behind the positive.
I am one to think of the worst of things, even when there's nothing to think worse about.
I look beyond what other's could see and see it.
I worry what people don't think about me and think differently of myself when they think about me.
I think about the future constantly and worry what the past has brought onto me.
I wonder constantly of what I have done wrong despite of the many good things I have done.
I tend to smile to keep people at ease and I hide behind it thinking of what they really think.
I worry too much about thoughts and feelings. Because my own thoughts and feelings are always tucked away where no one can see them.
I find myself to be like this because I never know how I am supposed to feel.
When I find I care for someone I tend to keep what feelings I can inside so they don't feel they have to feel that way.
I give the minimum waiting to find that excuse to give it all.
I have lost a lot and gained more.
I have been in love a few times and want to love just one more time.
I can't help wanting more for myself.
Because I want even more for the ones I love.
I can't help but to wishful think.
In my heart I belive fairy tales could exist.
I am a worryer and a romantic at heart.
I may think too much, but knowing what I want is sometimes tough to know.
and I just can't help being who I am...
It's just me.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
thinking and knowing...
Every woman is different when they think about things.
Every woman expects certain things.
I'm not quite one of those woman that strive attention. But I do like to be known I'm thought of.
Sometimes I wonder if I went so long without texting/calling some people, how long it would be till they contact me?
I think today I am going to do that.
Today I am choosing to see if my thought is just in my head or if it's knowing how I really appear in someone's thoughts throughout the day.
Every woman expects certain things.
I'm not quite one of those woman that strive attention. But I do like to be known I'm thought of.
Sometimes I wonder if I went so long without texting/calling some people, how long it would be till they contact me?
I think today I am going to do that.
Today I am choosing to see if my thought is just in my head or if it's knowing how I really appear in someone's thoughts throughout the day.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Things just happen
You can't control how things happen.
Why they happen.
They just happen.
February of 2010 I was hired at Blockbuster because I was in search of a job after losing my Taco Bell Manger job of 6years. Although myself, as well as othere, disagree with the reasonings of that job loss, I believe I needed that push.
I'm not one for changes.
I really don't like them. I tend to keep things familiar just to make things easier. I have learned MANY times that life just isn't easy.
I was transfered a bit away from where I was used to working around mid summer or so of 2011. I was nervous but once again it was the push I needed. As last time I was ingnoring my opportunites of what life was giving me. Then around November of 2011 I was transfered to be a store manager a lil closer to where I lived and it made it a bit easier. I started out still not noticing what I was supposed to be doing and lost focus till one day I was hit by something the night i spend the first time in the apartment alone. I needed to make a change in myself. and I needed to make something change for and my son.
I slowly got rid of the destraction and made that change.
In that transition I met someone that was in my life for the amount of 4months. And who knew that I could find someone that is capable of spending that extra time of not just me but me and my son.
its a tough thing life.
life doesn't come with a manual.
(wish it did)
I'm not saying that all this have "completed" my life.
It could change any moment.
But noticing the good changes you chose to change your life kinda makes it a lil better than when life has to force things on you.
i will always love the people in my past. some more than others. I will always think about that part of my life bc without some of the outcomes?...i wouldn't be where i am now.
Why they happen.
They just happen.
February of 2010 I was hired at Blockbuster because I was in search of a job after losing my Taco Bell Manger job of 6years. Although myself, as well as othere, disagree with the reasonings of that job loss, I believe I needed that push.
I'm not one for changes.
I really don't like them. I tend to keep things familiar just to make things easier. I have learned MANY times that life just isn't easy.
I was transfered a bit away from where I was used to working around mid summer or so of 2011. I was nervous but once again it was the push I needed. As last time I was ingnoring my opportunites of what life was giving me. Then around November of 2011 I was transfered to be a store manager a lil closer to where I lived and it made it a bit easier. I started out still not noticing what I was supposed to be doing and lost focus till one day I was hit by something the night i spend the first time in the apartment alone. I needed to make a change in myself. and I needed to make something change for and my son.
I slowly got rid of the destraction and made that change.
In that transition I met someone that was in my life for the amount of 4months. And who knew that I could find someone that is capable of spending that extra time of not just me but me and my son.
its a tough thing life.
life doesn't come with a manual.
(wish it did)
I'm not saying that all this have "completed" my life.
It could change any moment.
But noticing the good changes you chose to change your life kinda makes it a lil better than when life has to force things on you.
i will always love the people in my past. some more than others. I will always think about that part of my life bc without some of the outcomes?...i wouldn't be where i am now.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
When is it right
When is is write to move past everything and go foward? When will it be easier to just let go and go after the feelings you hold inside? How do u really know if there is true feelings of love or just lust?
When I'm with him it's like I'm almost complete. But I don't know if its a feeling of emptiness I'm trying to fill or it's really there. When he leaves I just want to say something to make sure he comes back. Sometimes love is all I can think of when that happened. Love can mean so much and yet it can ruin so much in the process of happening. Love changes people. Love make other people believe there is less to it if you say it. A relationship isn't complete once you say it. You have to be love. Why is it so hard to love? And why is it so hard not to?
It's a question we're just going to have to deal with.
When I'm with him it's like I'm almost complete. But I don't know if its a feeling of emptiness I'm trying to fill or it's really there. When he leaves I just want to say something to make sure he comes back. Sometimes love is all I can think of when that happened. Love can mean so much and yet it can ruin so much in the process of happening. Love changes people. Love make other people believe there is less to it if you say it. A relationship isn't complete once you say it. You have to be love. Why is it so hard to love? And why is it so hard not to?
It's a question we're just going to have to deal with.
Monday, September 24, 2012
fear of fear itself
fear
[feer] Show IPA
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
Everyone has a fear of something. Rather it comes from love, sadness, happiness. Truly anything can be a fear to someone. The fear to fall in love. The fear to make a change. The fear to cry. The fear to accept. Fear is all around us. People can see it, feel it, act on it and some even use it. Some use it on others. Some try to use it to hurt others.
I fear of not being there.
Of not making the right decision.
I fear of being alone.
I fear of being left behind.
I fear of love.
We all like to think we're unique. But when it comes to our fears, we're anything but. Some
fears are just universal, but they don’t have to be misunderstood
Fear is the enemy of self confidence. Self-confident people face their fears and act. Procrastination is the manifestation of fear.
Usually, the answer is on the 12 most common fears.
Which of these stop you from moving forward?
1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success
3. Fear of being judged
4. Fear of emotional pain
5. Fear of embarrassment.
6. Fear of being abandoned or being alone
7. Fear of rejection
8. Fear of expressing your true feelings
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Fear of the unknown
11. Fear of loss
12. Fear of death
I fear things constantly.
Just tonight I walked into my son's room, laid down with him and just watched him sleep. Instantly the fear of something happening to me and not being able to watch him grow up rushed into my mind. With the surgery coming up in just a couple of day?...I am afraid I am going to be put under and not wake up. I am afraid that someone is going to be in charge of raising my child and that he will not remember who I was to him. I know the happening of that is slim. I am aware that things like that just don't happen all the time. But the fear is still there. There really isn't any way to control it.
I fear of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible of not knowing what to do. Not knowing of how to act. Or even feel.
Another circumstance has become just recent after I lost my job.
The fear of starting over. Knowing good and well that I was "praying" for it to come. I was needing it to come. Although that fear isn't quite there anymore, I know that it will come when it actually happens.
Everyone feels in their different ways. And everyone carries there fear in different ways.
On top of the fear of failing, starting fresh and not being there for my child, I have gained a fear of loneliness. Fear that yes, I will always have Jasper and my family. But the fear that I will just continue watching my friends and peers starting their lives. Moving on to love. Moving on to families of their own. And me not ever seeing that. I would love the opportunity to wake up one morning to someone I call my husband and my child(ren) jumping into bed with us in the morning. Attempting us to wake up and make breakfast. All of you know...the "picture-perfect" family morning we all see movies. I want that. I want a man to look me into the my eyes and tell me they love me. The out of random notice ask me to marry them.
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of life it self.
Fear.
Without fear who can we all really be but people not making that chance to make a chance. We would have already done it without a thought in mind. Jumping off the ledge wouldn't even phase us as something crazy because that fear would never cross our minds. Chances would just not be made because without fear they are just simple actions of life. So even though we fear fear itself?...I also fear of not having fear.
We would never experience anything that makes our heart beat 10x's faster. Or tears of joy or sadness.
Without fear?...we just wouldn't think.
Fear is the enemy of self confidence. Self-confident people face their fears and act. Procrastination is the manifestation of fear.
Usually, the answer is on the 12 most common fears.
Which of these stop you from moving forward?
1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success
3. Fear of being judged
4. Fear of emotional pain
5. Fear of embarrassment.
6. Fear of being abandoned or being alone
7. Fear of rejection
8. Fear of expressing your true feelings
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Fear of the unknown
11. Fear of loss
12. Fear of death
I fear things constantly.
Just tonight I walked into my son's room, laid down with him and just watched him sleep. Instantly the fear of something happening to me and not being able to watch him grow up rushed into my mind. With the surgery coming up in just a couple of day?...I am afraid I am going to be put under and not wake up. I am afraid that someone is going to be in charge of raising my child and that he will not remember who I was to him. I know the happening of that is slim. I am aware that things like that just don't happen all the time. But the fear is still there. There really isn't any way to control it.
I fear of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible of not knowing what to do. Not knowing of how to act. Or even feel.
Another circumstance has become just recent after I lost my job.
The fear of starting over. Knowing good and well that I was "praying" for it to come. I was needing it to come. Although that fear isn't quite there anymore, I know that it will come when it actually happens.
Everyone feels in their different ways. And everyone carries there fear in different ways.
On top of the fear of failing, starting fresh and not being there for my child, I have gained a fear of loneliness. Fear that yes, I will always have Jasper and my family. But the fear that I will just continue watching my friends and peers starting their lives. Moving on to love. Moving on to families of their own. And me not ever seeing that. I would love the opportunity to wake up one morning to someone I call my husband and my child(ren) jumping into bed with us in the morning. Attempting us to wake up and make breakfast. All of you know...the "picture-perfect" family morning we all see movies. I want that. I want a man to look me into the my eyes and tell me they love me. The out of random notice ask me to marry them.
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of life it self.
Fear.
Without fear who can we all really be but people not making that chance to make a chance. We would have already done it without a thought in mind. Jumping off the ledge wouldn't even phase us as something crazy because that fear would never cross our minds. Chances would just not be made because without fear they are just simple actions of life. So even though we fear fear itself?...I also fear of not having fear.
We would never experience anything that makes our heart beat 10x's faster. Or tears of joy or sadness.
Without fear?...we just wouldn't think.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Last night I had a dream of you.
I woke up believing I was in your arms once again. And woke up alone.
This week has been a little better than it was last week. Of course this is the first "official" week that I will be spending it as unemployed. Losing my job has been more and more rough on me. It seems that I can't do anything until my surgery is done. If I do decide to have it. My mom doesn't think that I should have the surgery. I don't know if it is because of the risks...or because of the money....or just because. She believes that if I work on my weight and diet then I will be ok. That it will allow them to disappear. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I know if I have it, it will be done and over with and I can not have to worry about it anymore.
It's weird how things happen.
How things in your life can just change.
I am losing track on who I am.
Who I can be. And who I want to be.
At this moment there are only a few people in my life now that I am truly happy with. Not many things have been. But knowing I have them in my life?...has made this last weekend so much easier to cope with.
So tonight I may dream of you with your arms wrapped around me. Deeply knowing that it's not really you. But just having that dream makes it all worth while until I can see you again.
I woke up believing I was in your arms once again. And woke up alone.
This week has been a little better than it was last week. Of course this is the first "official" week that I will be spending it as unemployed. Losing my job has been more and more rough on me. It seems that I can't do anything until my surgery is done. If I do decide to have it. My mom doesn't think that I should have the surgery. I don't know if it is because of the risks...or because of the money....or just because. She believes that if I work on my weight and diet then I will be ok. That it will allow them to disappear. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I know if I have it, it will be done and over with and I can not have to worry about it anymore.
It's weird how things happen.
How things in your life can just change.
I am losing track on who I am.
Who I can be. And who I want to be.
At this moment there are only a few people in my life now that I am truly happy with. Not many things have been. But knowing I have them in my life?...has made this last weekend so much easier to cope with.
So tonight I may dream of you with your arms wrapped around me. Deeply knowing that it's not really you. But just having that dream makes it all worth while until I can see you again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Today was a long and exhausting day. I got a pretty good amount done though.
I will most likely be headed to bed early today like I did last night. I'm beat!
It looks like I upset a friend today. Just by being honest on how I felt. I know I probably let them down. But I just didn't want to lie to them. I know they will eventually let it go. But it still urks me that it happened.
This day was still pretty good. I got some okay sleep last night. Got my tires rotated and balanced. Picked up stuff from Party City for Jasper's party this Sunday. Stopped at Wal*Mart twice to get some more stuff for Jasper's party and stuff for dinner. I should have done some laundry but maybe I can do it tomorrow after work. Things are slowly coming together. The one thing I am going to have to work on is watch what i'm spending outside the stuff I need to get. I am finding myself eat out more and I need to stop for Jasper and mine's health as well as financial.
I got to talk to my someone today for a bit. Although I see him on a good occasion, I don't really get a lot of time to talk to him. I miss him being able to come over and hangout with me and Jasper. I am excited that he gets to come to Jasper's party Sunday :-) WOOT WOOT! I am a bit nervous of him meeting my dad...but he seems to be ok with it. My dad is concerned of his age difference between me and him, but my dad has got to understand that with my maturity level I need someone of that age to keep up with me and my lifestyle. Plus he's great with Jasper even though he doesn't have an kids of his own.
When Brit comes back from leave I will be able to spend some more time with him. But right now we will just have to take what we can get.
It's amazing what more & more things that happen when you're growing up. Some things never change from high school while others just progress to more & more responsibility.
I will most likely be headed to bed early today like I did last night. I'm beat!
It looks like I upset a friend today. Just by being honest on how I felt. I know I probably let them down. But I just didn't want to lie to them. I know they will eventually let it go. But it still urks me that it happened.
This day was still pretty good. I got some okay sleep last night. Got my tires rotated and balanced. Picked up stuff from Party City for Jasper's party this Sunday. Stopped at Wal*Mart twice to get some more stuff for Jasper's party and stuff for dinner. I should have done some laundry but maybe I can do it tomorrow after work. Things are slowly coming together. The one thing I am going to have to work on is watch what i'm spending outside the stuff I need to get. I am finding myself eat out more and I need to stop for Jasper and mine's health as well as financial.
I got to talk to my someone today for a bit. Although I see him on a good occasion, I don't really get a lot of time to talk to him. I miss him being able to come over and hangout with me and Jasper. I am excited that he gets to come to Jasper's party Sunday :-) WOOT WOOT! I am a bit nervous of him meeting my dad...but he seems to be ok with it. My dad is concerned of his age difference between me and him, but my dad has got to understand that with my maturity level I need someone of that age to keep up with me and my lifestyle. Plus he's great with Jasper even though he doesn't have an kids of his own.
When Brit comes back from leave I will be able to spend some more time with him. But right now we will just have to take what we can get.
It's amazing what more & more things that happen when you're growing up. Some things never change from high school while others just progress to more & more responsibility.
Monday, September 10, 2012
unwanted attention vs. wanted attention
I haven't always been good with attention drawn towards me. It's never been something I've just never could accept.
I have had a good amount of unwanted attention in my 25yrs. And as always, I have a lot of wanted attention.
When someone comes into your life (regardless of the time frame) and they push to get your attention it just makes me want to press the the fast forward button so they would get out of my life.
I have someone in my life right now thats giving me unwanted attention. At first I was being ok with it thinking it was just something that was a "friendly" joke. But now it's just getting uncomfortable and more and more unwanted.
All I want is continue getting my attention from the ones I want.
I have had a good amount of unwanted attention in my 25yrs. And as always, I have a lot of wanted attention.
When someone comes into your life (regardless of the time frame) and they push to get your attention it just makes me want to press the the fast forward button so they would get out of my life.
I have someone in my life right now thats giving me unwanted attention. At first I was being ok with it thinking it was just something that was a "friendly" joke. But now it's just getting uncomfortable and more and more unwanted.
All I want is continue getting my attention from the ones I want.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
purpose
Everything and everyone has some purpose. Rather they choose to believe or not. They may not come into the world for that reason, but there is always something. Each person gives them self a purpose. Others give others a purpose as well.
I once believe numerous times that someone had given me a purpose. A purpose to go on. A purpose to live. A purpose to smile.
Right now I have a purpose. Because of the certain people I have in my life, I have that purpose to move on and fight back for what I could have.
Jasper is my number one purpose of life. I am his. Without each other we wouldn't be anywhere.
I have a new purpose to add on to my list. This purpose is to possibly have someone. Someone to separate myself from being just a mom. But a someone to someone. He is my purpose to hope that I won't be alone I know there is no way of seeing long term. And right now, if you knew my life then you would see there is no time for that. But just knowing for the time being...he's still there gives me the purpose.
I want to be someone's purpose. I want someone to believe in their mind and heart that I could be there purpose to wake up in the morning, their purpose to smile when there is no one around, share memories of things that no one else could laugh about. A purpose to wake up just slightly earlier just so you can watch them smile in there dreams. A purpose to sneak a hug or kiss when no one is around. To sneak a kiss or hug when there is.
Give me purpose just so I can be someone's purpose.
I once believe numerous times that someone had given me a purpose. A purpose to go on. A purpose to live. A purpose to smile.
Right now I have a purpose. Because of the certain people I have in my life, I have that purpose to move on and fight back for what I could have.
Jasper is my number one purpose of life. I am his. Without each other we wouldn't be anywhere.
I have a new purpose to add on to my list. This purpose is to possibly have someone. Someone to separate myself from being just a mom. But a someone to someone. He is my purpose to hope that I won't be alone I know there is no way of seeing long term. And right now, if you knew my life then you would see there is no time for that. But just knowing for the time being...he's still there gives me the purpose.
I want to be someone's purpose. I want someone to believe in their mind and heart that I could be there purpose to wake up in the morning, their purpose to smile when there is no one around, share memories of things that no one else could laugh about. A purpose to wake up just slightly earlier just so you can watch them smile in there dreams. A purpose to sneak a hug or kiss when no one is around. To sneak a kiss or hug when there is.
Give me purpose just so I can be someone's purpose.
Friday, September 7, 2012
sinking
So I have been watching this show that's like an "old school" Grey's Anatomy. There was just an episode that had an old man suffering with ALS and after a bad car accident he was put in a situation that made him have to be on life support for the remainder of his life added on to ALS as well. After knowing he was going to have to live with life support he decided to take himself off life support and donate his organs to people he had met in the hospital.
How do you know when you're ready to die?
If you had to choose to live or die, what would you choose?
When I think of what the world would be like without me it scares he shit out of me.
When I really focus on the thought a huge sinking feeling happens. I imagine myself going. I the people in my life living it without me there. I see Jasper older and living his life without me there. Is there more to life after you really do pass away? There is so much to believe in. What should you believe though?
I know life isn't forever. People come and go everyday. Some people see it when they are about to pass and others don't.
I'm scared to see where I go.
I always have wondered if people get to "relive" their lives. If they get so many chances. A chance to finish what they couldn't? I chance to redo things to make it better the next time around? Is this how some people succeed in life and others don't? Or is this really it? I'm not saying my life is completely horrible...but there were things that could have gone better. The timings could have been better.
I always have to keep myself from thinking because I find myself thinking of me not being there anymore. And the sinking feelings stick deeper and deeper as I continue to think about it.
Once I didn't distract myself from thinking about it. Once I kept trying to see where the sinking would end up if I didnt stop it. After blacking out, closer to a good 20minutes later I found myself covered in blood and my mom screaming at me. I tried to physically make the sinking feeling escape.
I found myself thinking about the same thing again last night. No i din't do anything physical. But I almost wanted to. Having Jasper in my life prevents me to even think about doing anything like that. I have a reason to live. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. He gives me a reason to enjoy staying up that extra hour to make sure he stuff is ready for the morning. Or wake up that extra hour to get his breakfast ready and get him ready to start his day. I love every minute of it
I am scared to die because of Jasper. He needs me.
And I need him.
How do you know when you're ready to die?
If you had to choose to live or die, what would you choose?
When I think of what the world would be like without me it scares he shit out of me.
When I really focus on the thought a huge sinking feeling happens. I imagine myself going. I the people in my life living it without me there. I see Jasper older and living his life without me there. Is there more to life after you really do pass away? There is so much to believe in. What should you believe though?
I know life isn't forever. People come and go everyday. Some people see it when they are about to pass and others don't.
I'm scared to see where I go.
I always have wondered if people get to "relive" their lives. If they get so many chances. A chance to finish what they couldn't? I chance to redo things to make it better the next time around? Is this how some people succeed in life and others don't? Or is this really it? I'm not saying my life is completely horrible...but there were things that could have gone better. The timings could have been better.
I always have to keep myself from thinking because I find myself thinking of me not being there anymore. And the sinking feelings stick deeper and deeper as I continue to think about it.
Once I didn't distract myself from thinking about it. Once I kept trying to see where the sinking would end up if I didnt stop it. After blacking out, closer to a good 20minutes later I found myself covered in blood and my mom screaming at me. I tried to physically make the sinking feeling escape.
I found myself thinking about the same thing again last night. No i din't do anything physical. But I almost wanted to. Having Jasper in my life prevents me to even think about doing anything like that. I have a reason to live. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. He gives me a reason to enjoy staying up that extra hour to make sure he stuff is ready for the morning. Or wake up that extra hour to get his breakfast ready and get him ready to start his day. I love every minute of it
I am scared to die because of Jasper. He needs me.
And I need him.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
selfish
Sitting here outside thinking of what to do next.
What's my next step?
All I can do right now it think.
Think why?
Why did I get chosen to deal with things like this?
I know that I am not the only one that has to deal with it.
But I am having a selfish moment I guess. I already have way too much to be dealing with than adding this onto what all I have to deal with.
I am moving on with things in my life. Things that took me years to finally do. I used all my strength and power to make those steps in my life. Taking a path is just going to distant me in the direction I am wanting to follow. Sometimes I just want someone to assure me that things will be okay.
I am scared I am not going to have a job soon. I am scared that I will then lose the things I have been struggling for. Sometime I think that I am all alone in this. Knowing I'm not. I know that I have people in my life that care for me and are willing to help. But non of them are willing to take the time to listen to what's going on inside me. I used to have my sister here that I would talk to constantly about things. But since she moved...I don't really talk to her anymore. At least not as much as I used to. I miss her.
I'm sure I have heard "don't worry about it" TONS of times! But I do. I can't help it.
I feel around this time is when my life falls apart. Things happen to where I have to start all over again. I can't do that again!
What's my next step?
All I can do right now it think.
Think why?
Why did I get chosen to deal with things like this?
I know that I am not the only one that has to deal with it.
But I am having a selfish moment I guess. I already have way too much to be dealing with than adding this onto what all I have to deal with.
I am moving on with things in my life. Things that took me years to finally do. I used all my strength and power to make those steps in my life. Taking a path is just going to distant me in the direction I am wanting to follow. Sometimes I just want someone to assure me that things will be okay.
I am scared I am not going to have a job soon. I am scared that I will then lose the things I have been struggling for. Sometime I think that I am all alone in this. Knowing I'm not. I know that I have people in my life that care for me and are willing to help. But non of them are willing to take the time to listen to what's going on inside me. I used to have my sister here that I would talk to constantly about things. But since she moved...I don't really talk to her anymore. At least not as much as I used to. I miss her.
I'm sure I have heard "don't worry about it" TONS of times! But I do. I can't help it.
I feel around this time is when my life falls apart. Things happen to where I have to start all over again. I can't do that again!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
unexpectedness...
un·ex·pect·ed
[uhn-ik-spek-tid] Show IPA
adjective
Things happen for a reason. I am told that a lot.
Unexpectedness is something I could never live without.
Not knowing what's coming could be somewhat of a challenge but also a mystery.
Unexpectedly opening your door to someone you care about with flowers.
Unexpectedly being shown a secret place to show me the stars.
Unexpectedly falling for someone.
Everything comes unexpectedly in my life.
Cancer.
Pregnancy.
Broken hearts.
Son at 19.
Not going to school.
Loss of job.
Moving back home.
Liver failure.
Sometimes I would like to be explained things.
Like why am I given a guy that I care for and I can't share it with everyone?
Why am I given more excuses to not go back to school. Or a chance to go to the hospital and talk to someone about everything that is going on in my body?
Unexpectedness It happens in everyone's lives.
But how do you accept the unexpected that brings you down?
How do you control the unexpected that makes you SO happy?
How do you unexpectedly tell the person you care for that you're happy without knowing unexpectedly making them jump out of your life?
Right now...I am unexpectedly happy. Even with the crazy stuff around me. This unexpectedness is good....and I don't want it to end.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Some Nights
Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure
What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
What am I waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Stops my bones from wondering just who I am...
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
Some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know...
So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
No. When I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
Who the fuck wants to die alone?
My heart is breaking and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into those eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance
Some nights, I call it a draw
I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure
What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
What am I waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Stops my bones from wondering just who I am...
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
Some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know...
So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
No. When I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
Who the fuck wants to die alone?
My heart is breaking and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into those eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance
Sunday, September 2, 2012
sitting here...
So I am sitting here watching my brother (Addisen) in the hospital. No one knows what's going on, or what's wrong with him. I am getting kinda worried. I know we've been joking around saying, "we need to bring House here...he can fix it". I wish! I know he is doing good. But it still worries me that he isn't home yet.
It makes me think of what all could happen instantly.
Today I woke up. Shared some time with my "secret" friend. We made lunch together. Was really nice spending some time with him. This whole week has been crazy! Knowing I have him to spend my extra time with...away from work and home things, helps a lot.
This week was Jasper's first week of kindergarten. Thursday I had to take my first sick day because I felt like shit. All day Wednesday I couldn't keep anything down and then Thursday my head was killing me and I couldn't eat anything. I found out that my bro was admitted into the ER Wednesday and he is still in here. Jasper has been spending the Labor Day weekend with my parents at the lake. He has been fishing and swimming and spending lots of time with his cousin and grandparents. HE IS LOVING IT! I am glad he got to get away and do something "manly" with his Poppy George. It also helped me help out my seester here at the hospital while she took care of things at her work when she had to, and her house to get things ready for when Addy does come home.
It's amazing how things can happen to people you care for.
I know this is just a "diary/journal" post...but it's something.
It makes me think of what all could happen instantly.
Today I woke up. Shared some time with my "secret" friend. We made lunch together. Was really nice spending some time with him. This whole week has been crazy! Knowing I have him to spend my extra time with...away from work and home things, helps a lot.
This week was Jasper's first week of kindergarten. Thursday I had to take my first sick day because I felt like shit. All day Wednesday I couldn't keep anything down and then Thursday my head was killing me and I couldn't eat anything. I found out that my bro was admitted into the ER Wednesday and he is still in here. Jasper has been spending the Labor Day weekend with my parents at the lake. He has been fishing and swimming and spending lots of time with his cousin and grandparents. HE IS LOVING IT! I am glad he got to get away and do something "manly" with his Poppy George. It also helped me help out my seester here at the hospital while she took care of things at her work when she had to, and her house to get things ready for when Addy does come home.
It's amazing how things can happen to people you care for.
I know this is just a "diary/journal" post...but it's something.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Give me a reason
I want you to look at me like I'm the only one.
The only one that exists in your thoughts.
I want you to see me for who I am.
Give me your eyes and show me what you see.
Give me your hands so I can feel your touch.
Pull me close as if you'll never let me go.
Breath into me.
Hold me close.
Whisper to me everything you know.
Why is it that I can never really know?
How it is that I don't already know?
What more can I do to really understand where I stand?
Because all I really want to do is hold you close and breath you in.
Never letting go with what we are.
Never wanting to forget of who we are.
Just tell me what you think it is we could be.
Tell me, in your eyes and heart, where I stand in your life.
The only one that exists in your thoughts.
I want you to see me for who I am.
Give me your eyes and show me what you see.
Give me your hands so I can feel your touch.
Pull me close as if you'll never let me go.
Breath into me.
Hold me close.
Whisper to me everything you know.
Why is it that I can never really know?
How it is that I don't already know?
What more can I do to really understand where I stand?
Because all I really want to do is hold you close and breath you in.
Never letting go with what we are.
Never wanting to forget of who we are.
Just tell me what you think it is we could be.
Tell me, in your eyes and heart, where I stand in your life.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Well it happened again...
I don't know what I do to repel people from me.
Once again I lost a person that I could actually talk to and get along with and not have to worry about them just using me.
I would like to say "it's whatever" but I can't.
Because it's not.
Although it was a short time for me to know this person it almost felt like it was someone I could trust with myself. Knowing I could be me and not have to hide behind someone I'm not.
The person I am "seeing" doesn't even know who I am.
I carry this brick wall around me and I don't know how to put it down.
I have reasons to not trust people. Yes, it be annoying to the outside eye...but I have my reasons.
At age 2 I was diagnosed with cancer.
At age 6 my parents divorced because of what they lost while I was going through the treatments of cancer.
At age 12 I got introduced to how I can deal with the pain and bring it outside and NOT keep it all bottled in.
At age 15 is when I decided I couldn't live anymore for what I had done and become.
At age 16 I was raped, beaten and scared for life mentally of the men that could come into my life.
At age 19 I once again lost focus on who I could be.
I am now living with all this inside of me and even though my life has gotten better, I still feel like I could have done so much more to prepare myself and the people in my life.
I am happy with where I am, but I am still not happy with who I am.
I can't take a compliment because I don't feel like I deserve it.
I can't accept anything when it comes to emotions because I don't know if I can believe it.
I'm sorry for whatever I did to drive those people away. And I am sorry if i changed your mind about how you saw me. Knowing that I can cause others pain because mine truly makes me think I shouldnt even bother to try.
Maybe I'm not meant to carry on a friendship like I hoped I could.
Despite the person's choice, I will have to accept it and move on and hope for the best that they find someone they can relate to and trust completely.
Once again I lost a person that I could actually talk to and get along with and not have to worry about them just using me.
I would like to say "it's whatever" but I can't.
Because it's not.
Although it was a short time for me to know this person it almost felt like it was someone I could trust with myself. Knowing I could be me and not have to hide behind someone I'm not.
The person I am "seeing" doesn't even know who I am.
I carry this brick wall around me and I don't know how to put it down.
I have reasons to not trust people. Yes, it be annoying to the outside eye...but I have my reasons.
At age 2 I was diagnosed with cancer.
At age 6 my parents divorced because of what they lost while I was going through the treatments of cancer.
At age 12 I got introduced to how I can deal with the pain and bring it outside and NOT keep it all bottled in.
At age 15 is when I decided I couldn't live anymore for what I had done and become.
At age 16 I was raped, beaten and scared for life mentally of the men that could come into my life.
At age 19 I once again lost focus on who I could be.
I am now living with all this inside of me and even though my life has gotten better, I still feel like I could have done so much more to prepare myself and the people in my life.
I am happy with where I am, but I am still not happy with who I am.
I can't take a compliment because I don't feel like I deserve it.
I can't accept anything when it comes to emotions because I don't know if I can believe it.
I'm sorry for whatever I did to drive those people away. And I am sorry if i changed your mind about how you saw me. Knowing that I can cause others pain because mine truly makes me think I shouldnt even bother to try.
Maybe I'm not meant to carry on a friendship like I hoped I could.
Despite the person's choice, I will have to accept it and move on and hope for the best that they find someone they can relate to and trust completely.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Someone New
People come in and out your life. Regardless of if you want them to or not.
At any moment you can be introduced to someone that you will spend 1min to 50+ years of your life.
How you keep hold of that "relationship" is the most important decision you can make when it comes to the "friendship" you create with that person.
Everyone has a meaning to someone.
LOVE
HATRED
CONFUSION
REBELLION
FRIENDS
COLLEGUES
Anyone can anything to someone.
I strive to find someone I can talk to freely with.
Someone that can listen to me when I have shit to talk about. Someone that I listen to when they have shit to talk about. Someone that understands that I have a life and I will do anything I can to keep the whatever we have but I still have to continue on to my life.
No one understands that.
And finding someone that does is rare.
At some point there is going to be that someone that says they "understand" but they really don't.
Then once again...I am left alone.
I don't have many people I can call a friend.
I live a crazy ass life growing up. Nothing out of the ordinary when it came to my home life. But mentally I didn't live it the way I should have. I was lost most of the time and at times now I still feel I am. I feel out of the loop of a lot of things. Rather it is what's going on at work, family or news. I am always the last to know.
I feel excluded from the life I wish I could have. The life most people have. I am trapped in these 4 walls not knowing what the hell is going on. What's really out there.
Friendship allowed me to know somewhat of whats going on. Mentally I could release the confusion and breath air that wasn't my own.
How do you know you have chosen the right one?
How do you know if that person will really stick around and get to know the "craziness" of your life?
And accept it?
"time will tell" is what I always hear. "you don't need anyone else in your life but your son"...selfish I know, but I feel I should have that someone to let me...be me.
Who will that person be??
Have I already found that person?
"TIME WILL TELL"
At any moment you can be introduced to someone that you will spend 1min to 50+ years of your life.
How you keep hold of that "relationship" is the most important decision you can make when it comes to the "friendship" you create with that person.
Everyone has a meaning to someone.
LOVE
HATRED
CONFUSION
REBELLION
FRIENDS
COLLEGUES
Anyone can anything to someone.
I strive to find someone I can talk to freely with.
Someone that can listen to me when I have shit to talk about. Someone that I listen to when they have shit to talk about. Someone that understands that I have a life and I will do anything I can to keep the whatever we have but I still have to continue on to my life.
No one understands that.
And finding someone that does is rare.
At some point there is going to be that someone that says they "understand" but they really don't.
Then once again...I am left alone.
I don't have many people I can call a friend.
I live a crazy ass life growing up. Nothing out of the ordinary when it came to my home life. But mentally I didn't live it the way I should have. I was lost most of the time and at times now I still feel I am. I feel out of the loop of a lot of things. Rather it is what's going on at work, family or news. I am always the last to know.
I feel excluded from the life I wish I could have. The life most people have. I am trapped in these 4 walls not knowing what the hell is going on. What's really out there.
Friendship allowed me to know somewhat of whats going on. Mentally I could release the confusion and breath air that wasn't my own.
How do you know you have chosen the right one?
How do you know if that person will really stick around and get to know the "craziness" of your life?
And accept it?
"time will tell" is what I always hear. "you don't need anyone else in your life but your son"...selfish I know, but I feel I should have that someone to let me...be me.
Who will that person be??
Have I already found that person?
"TIME WILL TELL"
Thursday, August 23, 2012
6 long amazing years
From the day I found out I was having a baby I think I was the as nervous as I have ever been. I was 18 about to be 19...just started college. Working 40+ hrs a wk at Taco Bell. & the father of the baby wasn't anyone but a high school boyfriend that came in and out of my life as often as my menstrual cycle.
I found out the week after the father had disappeared. I was just about to go into work when I just randomly starting getting sick. It was about 4pm. I remember beacause that's when Hero by Enrique Iglesias came on every day at the same time on the Taco Bell radio in the lobby.
I was scared shitless!!
I was pregnant before when I was 15. Just a sophomore in high school. I promised myself I wasn't going to let this happen to me again until I was well over done with college. I wanted to do better for myself. I wanted to be ready. I was not ready.
The father accused me of cheating, lying, anything else to make an excuse to come back and take care of things. Turns out that he had found out someone else was prego with his baby else where prob about a month before or after from when I was due. RIDICULOUS!!
I worked my ass off getting ready for this baby. I worked until the day my water broke. The father had come back about 2months prior....and we "worked" things out. We made plans on what we were going to do when the baby came. We talked about names. Never came up with a boy's name. (he wanted Justin Cole Robertson Jr.) negative. I was not going to do a junior. The girl's name was going to be Serenitie Lynn...it was about the day before when I decided Jasper. It was my great grandpa's name. I decided to give Jasper my last name. With everything going on, it was just going to make things easier when it came to paper work crap.
I was around 5am when my water broke. I felt like I had pissed myself. I had to waddle to my mom's room and let her know what the hell was going on. I laid in my bed for about an hour as my mom, step-dad and seester took showers and got dressed. I think I call the father 20 times before we headed to the hospital. He had been at a party the night before and had been drinking so he was passed out.
I think it was about 6:30am when we finally got to the ER. We checked in. Got my room. Just waited. The father showed up about 8am. And fell back asleep on the chair in my room.
I started pushing about 5pm. With the father asleep in the chair, my mom holding my hand, my sister Stacie right next to the nurse watching anything that was happening down below.
Jasper Cole Wright. 9'6lbs. 21in long. 5:46pm.
He was beautiful.
Perfect.
And now he's about to be 6yrs old.
Still beautiful and perfect.
I found out the week after the father had disappeared. I was just about to go into work when I just randomly starting getting sick. It was about 4pm. I remember beacause that's when Hero by Enrique Iglesias came on every day at the same time on the Taco Bell radio in the lobby.
I was scared shitless!!
I was pregnant before when I was 15. Just a sophomore in high school. I promised myself I wasn't going to let this happen to me again until I was well over done with college. I wanted to do better for myself. I wanted to be ready. I was not ready.
The father accused me of cheating, lying, anything else to make an excuse to come back and take care of things. Turns out that he had found out someone else was prego with his baby else where prob about a month before or after from when I was due. RIDICULOUS!!
I worked my ass off getting ready for this baby. I worked until the day my water broke. The father had come back about 2months prior....and we "worked" things out. We made plans on what we were going to do when the baby came. We talked about names. Never came up with a boy's name. (he wanted Justin Cole Robertson Jr.) negative. I was not going to do a junior. The girl's name was going to be Serenitie Lynn...it was about the day before when I decided Jasper. It was my great grandpa's name. I decided to give Jasper my last name. With everything going on, it was just going to make things easier when it came to paper work crap.
I was around 5am when my water broke. I felt like I had pissed myself. I had to waddle to my mom's room and let her know what the hell was going on. I laid in my bed for about an hour as my mom, step-dad and seester took showers and got dressed. I think I call the father 20 times before we headed to the hospital. He had been at a party the night before and had been drinking so he was passed out.
I think it was about 6:30am when we finally got to the ER. We checked in. Got my room. Just waited. The father showed up about 8am. And fell back asleep on the chair in my room.
I started pushing about 5pm. With the father asleep in the chair, my mom holding my hand, my sister Stacie right next to the nurse watching anything that was happening down below.
Jasper Cole Wright. 9'6lbs. 21in long. 5:46pm.
He was beautiful.
Perfect.
And now he's about to be 6yrs old.
Still beautiful and perfect.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
secrets
se·cret
[see-krit] Show IPA
1.
2. kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged:
done, made, or conducted without the knowledge of others: secret negotiations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a secret that I can't tell many people.
I have a secret that many people would really like to know.
I have a secret that I can honestly say I am happy with.
Regardless of the being a secret.
I have had someone special in my life for three months going on four.
He has made my life pretty much worth having. Adding him into the life I have with Jasper, has given me a perspective on how the dating life could be and lead up to something more than just friends. I am learning how to combine work, being a mommy and being special to someone that could possibly be considered a significant other.
All I can say right now, when it's involving my "relationship" status? I'm happy.
But I can't let many people know.
It could jeopardize things. I am mainly okay with it. But sometimes I just want to brag about what I have.
So I have a secret.
A wonderful secret.
And even though no one knows....I am still happy.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
I know I don't have you but I want you
So sick and tired of being patient.
So sick and tired of people telling me it will happen.
"Things will happen in time."
"Things will happen when you least expect it."
I'm 25 with an almost 6yr old kid. He's about to start kindergarten. What do I do then?
I want a real family as my own.
I want someone to be a part of my family. And wants to be apart of my family.
Many working mothers feel guilty about not being at home. And when they are there, they wish it could be perfect. This pressure to make every minute happy puts working parents in a bind when it comes to setting limits and modifying behavior.
So sick and tired of people telling me it will happen.
"Things will happen in time."
"Things will happen when you least expect it."
I'm 25 with an almost 6yr old kid. He's about to start kindergarten. What do I do then?
I want a real family as my own.
I want someone to be a part of my family. And wants to be apart of my family.
Many working mothers feel guilty about not being at home. And when they are there, they wish it could be perfect. This pressure to make every minute happy puts working parents in a bind when it comes to setting limits and modifying behavior.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Not Knowing What to Feel at This Time....
BLANK.
My mind is blank.
Not blank as I'm not thinking of something. But blank that I don't know how to fix what I'm feeling.
I'm completly confused.
I want to feel one thing and I keep finding myself to feel something else.
But my couriousity is there as well that I want to know what the other person that is making me think this way feels. And that person is complete closed book.
I know how they act outside of the "our time". But outside is what keeps me on the curious side.
They are REALLY good at keeping it perfessional.
So my mind is blank.
I have no idea where to go with this.
I have know clue what I should be feeling because I do not want to be feeling the opposite when I could be thinking another.
BLANK.
My mind is blank.
Not blank as I'm not thinking of something. But blank that I don't know how to fix what I'm feeling.
I'm completly confused.
I want to feel one thing and I keep finding myself to feel something else.
But my couriousity is there as well that I want to know what the other person that is making me think this way feels. And that person is complete closed book.
I know how they act outside of the "our time". But outside is what keeps me on the curious side.
They are REALLY good at keeping it perfessional.
So my mind is blank.
I have no idea where to go with this.
I have know clue what I should be feeling because I do not want to be feeling the opposite when I could be thinking another.
BLANK.
Friday, May 11, 2012
something out of the ordinary...or is it?
The day began great. Woke up my son, got him ready for school and fed him some breakfast. When I returned home from taking him in, I entered into my nice clean I had cleaned the day before and felt complete relaxation. This was the day I went out and did something for myself. And I was ready to take that on. Proceding to get ready I happy to say I felt like I cleaned up pretty nice. Continuing with putting on my face, straghtening my hair (even though the friend I wld be meeting in a few hours perfers my hair curly). As the time gets closer you would think I would be nervous for doing something like this. Meeting someone I work with, and having feelings for them, even though they may not share the same. I was in total comfort.
We had made this, "lunch date" last week because we had shared a previous lunch when he introduced me to sushi. I had attempted to try some in the past but I'm guessing the buffet kind is not the same as the real kind. He was kind to me. walked me through some decision, but allowed me to choose without making me feel inferior.
Waking up from the flash back I then hear a knock on my door and as I pull the door open, the man I would be having my lunch date with smiles while saying "hello" as I invite inside. The excitement it bearable, yet not. He pulls out a bouquet of tulips (my fav!) and that's when I know this day is going to be a good one. I place them in the kitchen and procede to grab my purse and keys and as I turn to open the door so we can continue our afternoon, he says "you're very pretty today". Blushing, I thank him and closing the door begins the day I will remember for a good while.
Before, I wouldn't be doing this. Being a single mother, it's hard to find the time to do something for yourself. Dating someone is something I feel selfish about. Knowing that Jman isnt being involved bothers me, but I know him not knowing is what's best for him. Introducing him to this part of my life too soon can cause complications. And he's not needed to be in that part of the life until it's a certain thing that it will be a regular thing.
The drive was a long one, but seemed a little shorter than expected. Maybe it was because the conversations were good and having the company was even better.
We approach our destination at Maggianos, an itailian restraunt that loooks amazing. It's supposed to be like Olive Garden, and as he told me, better. Learning about him is pretty interesting. At work, I wouldn't imagine him as someone other than my employee. His eyes are kind, and the way he would passionatly talk about anything and everything we conversated about. You could tell he didn't want to hide anything. Honesty and straight up himself. The lunch was amazing. Food was extremly tasty.
After lunch we continued the day at my place to watch a movie he insisted on me us to watch becuse of my prior renting it last week. The movie Ed Wood was not that good. But we watched it. After the long movie and after the not awkward but cute cuddling we continued talking. Looking at his face I knew what he wanted to do but I wasn't sure I wanted it too. I was just enjoying his company. His touch was soft, and you could just tell he cared. Waitng to see what happened was the longest 2minutes that we spent the whole day. It was as if time possibly slowed down as he leaned over and that's when any thoughts of "maybe we shoud just call it day before things happen" jumps out of my mind.
The kiss was soft and kind. I'm so used to rough and rushed. This wasn't rushed. It was sweet.
What happened after is something that me and him will have for us. No matter how we felt.
Happy this day happened, I just hope we can share eachothers company again. And maybe keep it like that for a good while. Cause I know things happen for a reason and feelings appear out no where and rather you want to ignore them or just them work their magic, you will have to learn from the consiquences. I can seriously say im ready to see what happens next.
We had made this, "lunch date" last week because we had shared a previous lunch when he introduced me to sushi. I had attempted to try some in the past but I'm guessing the buffet kind is not the same as the real kind. He was kind to me. walked me through some decision, but allowed me to choose without making me feel inferior.
Waking up from the flash back I then hear a knock on my door and as I pull the door open, the man I would be having my lunch date with smiles while saying "hello" as I invite inside. The excitement it bearable, yet not. He pulls out a bouquet of tulips (my fav!) and that's when I know this day is going to be a good one. I place them in the kitchen and procede to grab my purse and keys and as I turn to open the door so we can continue our afternoon, he says "you're very pretty today". Blushing, I thank him and closing the door begins the day I will remember for a good while.
Before, I wouldn't be doing this. Being a single mother, it's hard to find the time to do something for yourself. Dating someone is something I feel selfish about. Knowing that Jman isnt being involved bothers me, but I know him not knowing is what's best for him. Introducing him to this part of my life too soon can cause complications. And he's not needed to be in that part of the life until it's a certain thing that it will be a regular thing.
The drive was a long one, but seemed a little shorter than expected. Maybe it was because the conversations were good and having the company was even better.
We approach our destination at Maggianos, an itailian restraunt that loooks amazing. It's supposed to be like Olive Garden, and as he told me, better. Learning about him is pretty interesting. At work, I wouldn't imagine him as someone other than my employee. His eyes are kind, and the way he would passionatly talk about anything and everything we conversated about. You could tell he didn't want to hide anything. Honesty and straight up himself. The lunch was amazing. Food was extremly tasty.
After lunch we continued the day at my place to watch a movie he insisted on me us to watch becuse of my prior renting it last week. The movie Ed Wood was not that good. But we watched it. After the long movie and after the not awkward but cute cuddling we continued talking. Looking at his face I knew what he wanted to do but I wasn't sure I wanted it too. I was just enjoying his company. His touch was soft, and you could just tell he cared. Waitng to see what happened was the longest 2minutes that we spent the whole day. It was as if time possibly slowed down as he leaned over and that's when any thoughts of "maybe we shoud just call it day before things happen" jumps out of my mind.
The kiss was soft and kind. I'm so used to rough and rushed. This wasn't rushed. It was sweet.
What happened after is something that me and him will have for us. No matter how we felt.
Happy this day happened, I just hope we can share eachothers company again. And maybe keep it like that for a good while. Cause I know things happen for a reason and feelings appear out no where and rather you want to ignore them or just them work their magic, you will have to learn from the consiquences. I can seriously say im ready to see what happens next.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
curious
Thinking of why I smile. Why I laugh when no one is around. Why I imagine myself with you. Why I imagine myself without knowing you. Why I think of who you really are. Why I think of who I could be with you.
All these things run through my head when I see you at least once a day. All these things run through my head when I think of you at least once a day. And that "at least once a day"?...is a lot.
I don't understand it.
I can't wrap my mind onto it.
Thinking about it makes me wonder if it's real, or just something I made myself feel.
It just doesn't make since.
You're the person I have never imagined myself with. You're the "type" I see myself no even considering. And yet...it's happening.
*sigh*
I catch myself thinking about it a lot. About you, & me & what it could become.
I like the possible outcome.
But I'm scared as well.
Make it easier.
Tell me how you feel.
If you even feel anything.
And if you don't but want to...tell me anyways.
All these things run through my head when I see you at least once a day. All these things run through my head when I think of you at least once a day. And that "at least once a day"?...is a lot.
I don't understand it.
I can't wrap my mind onto it.
Thinking about it makes me wonder if it's real, or just something I made myself feel.
It just doesn't make since.
You're the person I have never imagined myself with. You're the "type" I see myself no even considering. And yet...it's happening.
*sigh*
I catch myself thinking about it a lot. About you, & me & what it could become.
I like the possible outcome.
But I'm scared as well.
Make it easier.
Tell me how you feel.
If you even feel anything.
And if you don't but want to...tell me anyways.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
someone for me??
I am not one of those chicks that can just turn to someone and tell them how I feel about them. I have the moments where I wish I could because so much could be told from things going through my head. Stories, novels maybe :-)
Let me explain an example.
I have been chatting with a friend (whom will remain anonymous at the time) about someone I have been slowly gaining a liking to. (that person as well will remain anonymous) Yes i know, people hate secrets, but these are my thoughts, not yours. I can't share everything or it would ruin the fun of it. ANYWHO!...there is this person I have been beginning to like and I am not sure what to take about making something happen. It's kind of one of those things that i feel could end badly if actually happening. (in my opinion) The person I am seeking advice from has been telling me to go for it.
1.) because they know the person and they actually believe something good could happen
&
2.) because he thinks that the other person has the right to know rather they reject my feelings or not
(I say that what they don't know won't hurt them)
I can honestly say that this person is someone no one can really imagine anyone feeling anything for except for friendship or rudeness. The personality is something that I can relate to. The way I think and the way they think just clicks, at least in my feelings.
There are some major conflict when it comes to something actually happening. Despite that, my friend continues to push it. One of my co-workers told me a few days ago..."there's no time frame for falling in love" I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm saying that rather I care for this person or not I shouldn't wait it out to see what happens. Without my 2 cents, there wouldn't be anything.
So, even after thinking of what to do, I still don't want to go up to this person and spill my thoughts on why I think we should go catch a movie or get something to eat. Just a date, something to form some kind of "relationship" other than what we already have. (which I can't share that part either)...(Man this secret thing is starting to bug me)
hmmm...?
Well last night I had a nightmare and this person was in it. They didn't do anything wrong, or anyting to make the dream a nightmare. I was just with them, spending time with them, and something bad happened. (waking up in a scream and kinda shaking is never a good thing) So in this dream I had been on the first "date" and something horrible happened to Jasper. The day was perfect, & then I found myself in fear because something had happened while I was out with this person. Maybe it's the fear of dating...? I don't know.
So this concludes my rant on this subject. For now.
Thanks for reading.
Hollie
Let me explain an example.
I have been chatting with a friend (whom will remain anonymous at the time) about someone I have been slowly gaining a liking to. (that person as well will remain anonymous) Yes i know, people hate secrets, but these are my thoughts, not yours. I can't share everything or it would ruin the fun of it. ANYWHO!...there is this person I have been beginning to like and I am not sure what to take about making something happen. It's kind of one of those things that i feel could end badly if actually happening. (in my opinion) The person I am seeking advice from has been telling me to go for it.
1.) because they know the person and they actually believe something good could happen
&
2.) because he thinks that the other person has the right to know rather they reject my feelings or not
(I say that what they don't know won't hurt them)
I can honestly say that this person is someone no one can really imagine anyone feeling anything for except for friendship or rudeness. The personality is something that I can relate to. The way I think and the way they think just clicks, at least in my feelings.
There are some major conflict when it comes to something actually happening. Despite that, my friend continues to push it. One of my co-workers told me a few days ago..."there's no time frame for falling in love" I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm saying that rather I care for this person or not I shouldn't wait it out to see what happens. Without my 2 cents, there wouldn't be anything.
So, even after thinking of what to do, I still don't want to go up to this person and spill my thoughts on why I think we should go catch a movie or get something to eat. Just a date, something to form some kind of "relationship" other than what we already have. (which I can't share that part either)...(Man this secret thing is starting to bug me)
hmmm...?
Well last night I had a nightmare and this person was in it. They didn't do anything wrong, or anyting to make the dream a nightmare. I was just with them, spending time with them, and something bad happened. (waking up in a scream and kinda shaking is never a good thing) So in this dream I had been on the first "date" and something horrible happened to Jasper. The day was perfect, & then I found myself in fear because something had happened while I was out with this person. Maybe it's the fear of dating...? I don't know.
So this concludes my rant on this subject. For now.
Thanks for reading.
Hollie
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