I try to think of myself as a good hearted person.
Someone who accepts whoever I can and not dislike people.
My husband & I have been married for almost 2 year and together for almost 5 years. I have my son that is almost 12 and he has his son that is almost 11. His son lives with his mom in another state and we only get home for short times through out the year.
Financially we are not doing so well. We never have. But we get by. We have food, electric, gas for the car...we have all the important things that any family really needs. In order for us to get his son here to visit, we have to pay for his plane tickets. Those aren't cheap. Since we struggle to have money in our account, we struggle to be able to purchase a ticket for his son to come visit. It has been 2 years since we have seen his son. I know my husband misses him. I know that not being able to see him regularly is probably pretty hard on him. But it just hasn't been an option for us to make that financial risk.
I have my opinions on the subject on why my husband isn't closer to his son. I know they are most likely considered wrongful thinking, but they are there at times. When my husband and I met, he was living in another state. He had recently moved from where his son lived to another state over to stay with his brother. He felt the need for change. I can only imagine how hard that was for him to move like that. For his reasons he has given me, it just seemed like something that he felt he needed to do for himself. That is one thing I don't think I could understand. I know people deal with things differently, think differently and just do things differently than what others may think or do. As a parent myself, I could never see myself move from my child. Even if that meant that I had to live in the crappiest place ever. I do not judge my husband at all. I love him so much. I am happy that he has came into my life. It just makes me wish he didn't have to leave that life he had already made to this life. I know he loves me. I know he would do anything for me. But I question sometimes what he would do for his son at times.
I know this makes me look out to be a bad person. Thinking like this about my husband. And that is okay I guess. I know he has a beautiful heart. I know how much he loves all of us. Like I had said before, "we don't all think or feel or do things alike".
Anyways, his son will be here in 3 days. I am so nervous. The last few times he has visited, him and I didn't get along very well. I am super weird around him. I just feel like we don't connect.
I am pretty bad with other kids. I haven't been good being...I guess...myself. I am not sure what it is about them. I am just awkward.
I know he is my kid now. And most of the time I feel like I would do anything for him. Just like I would with my son. But he is so different than my son. He is only a year younger and yet it feels like he is so much younger than that. He is super hyper active and he just strives for that attention I am not sure to give to other kids. My son doesn't even like the attention. He likes to be in him space and as long as you remind him that you love him and you are there, he is good. With my step-son, it's just the opposite. He strives for that attention whenever he can get it. I know he doesn't see his dad as often as he should. And I do my best to just let it go and not let it show it's bothering me. (Because I know it shouldn't)
His mom called a few+ days ago and talked to my husband about how his son has been manipulative to her and her husband and other's in the family. My husband didn't seem to think this was a big deal. I think it is. I know he may have his reasons, but I am not wanting that being brought into my home. There is most likely more to the why he is doing it. I don't think I will know why.
I hope that this doesn't make me look horrible. I know that thoughts like this is shamed upon. I just needed to get this out there and see it in words for myself. I am going to do whatever I can to fix how I feel. I want to connect with him better. I don't want to keep him on the side. He deserves to be part of the family because he is.
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