praying I can make it through this one transition and move on to the other...

Okay.

I am just getting something off my chest because I tend to over think things WAY too much.
Taking that big step of meeting new people is hard. I am not good at just opening up to people and telling them how I feel. When I take one action I tend to go back and rethink what I did and the possible outcome of the action. Half the time I am just being dumb but there are those times where my thoughts of the outcome are right. Right now I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping I am just being ridiculous and nothing horrible is going to happen. I know the actions I chose are my faults. And I know I have no control of the outcome of it if it includes someone else. But those "hopeful" thinkings do happen.

Right now I am crossing my fingers and praying to the good lord I didn't mess anything up.

That is all.

starting off right

Ok. So a lot has been going on the past 2 weeks.

New people, change in body, new look on life and getting closer to achieve the goals I want to hit.

You can my body is no where close to where it needs to be but I am getting there. As always you just have to take those small steps into doing something different in your life. The scale hsn't told me I have lost a lot, but the pictures show I am losing something. I super happy about the results right now, but I know I just have to keep pushing myself to get that healthier body that I want.

I have been talking to new people. Taking chances and stepping up.

Last weekend I had a blast with my neighbors. They are some really great friends! and we had so much fun!
I know that I enjoy my alone time, but knowing I have those girls to talk to?...It helps a lot.
I have also gotten closer to my friend Sam at work. She is a great person to talk to about personal things and how I feel about certain topics. In my head, we hit this moment where I didnt think I could talk to her like I could. But realization hit me and I knew being upset with her about something that was as dumb as it was, I knew I couldn't lose her someone that has been there for me. We have grown on each other.

Dating is a new step I feel I can take now.
I have talked to some people and made plans. I have hung out with one and had spent some good times. Just going out and hanging out has been great. I know I can't always go out, but knowing I am able to step up and make that effort helps me keep motivated to stay focused on my appearance and health.

I know I had set a goal for myself months ago...but I really want to push myself to keep staying focused. I want to be healthy for my son as he grows up. I want to feel comfortable with myself and feel pretty.

I have survived cancer, attempted suicide, anxiety, being a single parent...I can do this. I have to!

Yesterday I started on this new weight loss thing my sis-in-law has been taking. It has worked for her so far, and I have seen some pretty good reviews for it. The first day I got a lot of energy and it helped me feel in a good mood. Not sure if it was the pill or just me liking to start something new for me. I am real eager to see where this puts in. I am going to get the 30 day supply after I the week one. I took the "before" pic and I hope I see some kind of results by the end of this month.

This diet is called Ace. It's an energy weight loss pill. You drink TONS of water with it and with the results of not exercising while taking it seems to be just as effective. I started doing stretches and crunches yesterday. I started small, just to see how far I could go. I am planning on starting to do ZUMBA again, and I hope to see that help as well toning things up as I lose. I don't plan on lifting weights or doing any major muscle building things. As I know that won't help me lose anything at all but gain more.

I have not been happy with my body for a good 5yrs or so. I wish I could go back the body I had after I had my son. I had lost so much weight having to work a full time job and be that single mom. I still work that but it is much easier now that my son is older and in school. I just want to be confident in my body and right now I'm not. Hopefully this will have decent results into helping me gain my confidence back.

So here's to losing weight and being happy with myself.

I hope it comes out with a huge "daaaammmmn!" ;-)

Complications

Wanting to start a conversation with someone who you're not sure if you should start a conversation with is confusing. I have these moments where I just want to pick up my phone text someone. And I'm "afraid" to for reasons that are crazy. "Do they want to hear from me?" "Who are they with if I did message them!" "What is their friend's opinion on me now?" "Could I ever just talk to that person again like normal?" The list just keeps on going. I miss having that friend. I miss having a lot of friends. I just want those moments back before it was all complicated. 

coming to realization

I have hit a bump in my life once again, where I wish I could just rewind so much of it and try again.
I hold onto memories so much because knowing I can't really change them, I imagine what they would be if I could.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life to better myself as well as bettering Jasper.
I can't imagine what my life would be without him, but sadly I do try to at times.
I know I wouldn't change having him in my life, but I would change how I live.
I would allow myself to have a better career. Something that allows me to live not paycheck by paycheck but comfortably. I would have a small house with a backyard. A yard with a dog and a clothes line so I can hangout my clothes. A yard for Jasper to venture off in for hours till dinner time.
I have chose to close myself from meeting someone new because I am afraid I will get caught up in the fantasy and It's hard to imagine actually having something good happen in my life. I have that "goal" set in my head for my "dream life" to happen, but I am afraid for it to happen.
I have been heart broken too much, I have been let down too much, and when I see something good happen I just let go so it won't happen. (even though there is that possibility of bad things not happening)
Why can't I just be strong?
I am strong for Jasper but when it comes to me, I can't be.
I have my guard up constantly and I don't know how to put it down.
How do I let it down?
I wish to have someone in my life that I can hold, have there for me, and i be there for them. I want someone I can't push away so easily. I want to hold on to that person longer than that short time.
Why is it so hard for me to hold on to something good in my life?

after all....you're my wonderwall

Wondering where the time goes to making that time for yourself.
Wondering where the people go in your life that you once counted on to be there.
Wondering if you are still there for the ones that counts/counted on you.
Wondering if I will ever find that person in my life that will take me for who I am and not try to mold me into something they want in their life.
Wondering if that person even exists.
Wondering if I will find that friend in my life that will always be there and push to keep me happy as well I do that same for them.
Wondering if I am worth fighting for.
Wondering if I will stay the stronger one in my life, or if I will find that one person to keep strong so I can be weak for once.
Wondering if time will stand still long enough for me to get what I need completed to enjoy life as everyone should.

Wondering so much these days...

And the list just keeps adding on.

Obviously it will take a lot to find that time for me.
I will have to find new people in my life to be there, because I have lost so many.
I will have to continue hoping I am being the true friend I know I can be without getting blindsided by the distractions in life.
I can only hope to find that person that can take me as I am and not try to change me as a person.
And there is that person for me.
I can hope I find those friends that will keep pushing me to be better in my life.
And believe I am worth fighting for!
I can only imagine of someone that can be the strong one for me at times, and allow me to take my moment to be taken care of.
I know time will never stand still for anyone. But maybe I can find that time to catch up on where I want to be in life and not have to drown getting there.

Where to go now?

Times have been better.
Moments have been better.
Thoughts have been better.

But I chose to take this life and hold on to it.
I chose to take this challenge.

I seem to find myself without the friends I did have.
I have seem to figure the realness of everything.
It's like reality has hit a bit.

I am older.
And I have a kid.
My life as I know it isn't what I thought it was or could be.

I hold onto what I had but then let go for a minute and it's all gone.

I'm not sure how to react to it.
I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure how where to go from here.

I have caught myself wanting to date again.
But I don't want the relationship in it, mainly just someone to have.

The time I have is not much.

I give my time to my son and family and the little I can spare I hangout with my friends.
The little I have.

I feel lost right now.
Not sure where to go from here.
What to do.
I plan all these things in my head but I don't react on them.
I don't know how to take control of my life.

Course in order to take control of your life, you need to know what life you have.

I know I have a work life, a mom life but what do I do beyond that?

Where do I go now?