Complications

Wanting to start a conversation with someone who you're not sure if you should start a conversation with is confusing. I have these moments where I just want to pick up my phone text someone. And I'm "afraid" to for reasons that are crazy. "Do they want to hear from me?" "Who are they with if I did message them!" "What is their friend's opinion on me now?" "Could I ever just talk to that person again like normal?" The list just keeps on going. I miss having that friend. I miss having a lot of friends. I just want those moments back before it was all complicated. 

coming to realization

I have hit a bump in my life once again, where I wish I could just rewind so much of it and try again.
I hold onto memories so much because knowing I can't really change them, I imagine what they would be if I could.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life to better myself as well as bettering Jasper.
I can't imagine what my life would be without him, but sadly I do try to at times.
I know I wouldn't change having him in my life, but I would change how I live.
I would allow myself to have a better career. Something that allows me to live not paycheck by paycheck but comfortably. I would have a small house with a backyard. A yard with a dog and a clothes line so I can hangout my clothes. A yard for Jasper to venture off in for hours till dinner time.
I have chose to close myself from meeting someone new because I am afraid I will get caught up in the fantasy and It's hard to imagine actually having something good happen in my life. I have that "goal" set in my head for my "dream life" to happen, but I am afraid for it to happen.
I have been heart broken too much, I have been let down too much, and when I see something good happen I just let go so it won't happen. (even though there is that possibility of bad things not happening)
Why can't I just be strong?
I am strong for Jasper but when it comes to me, I can't be.
I have my guard up constantly and I don't know how to put it down.
How do I let it down?
I wish to have someone in my life that I can hold, have there for me, and i be there for them. I want someone I can't push away so easily. I want to hold on to that person longer than that short time.
Why is it so hard for me to hold on to something good in my life?

after all....you're my wonderwall

Wondering where the time goes to making that time for yourself.
Wondering where the people go in your life that you once counted on to be there.
Wondering if you are still there for the ones that counts/counted on you.
Wondering if I will ever find that person in my life that will take me for who I am and not try to mold me into something they want in their life.
Wondering if that person even exists.
Wondering if I will find that friend in my life that will always be there and push to keep me happy as well I do that same for them.
Wondering if I am worth fighting for.
Wondering if I will stay the stronger one in my life, or if I will find that one person to keep strong so I can be weak for once.
Wondering if time will stand still long enough for me to get what I need completed to enjoy life as everyone should.

Wondering so much these days...

And the list just keeps adding on.

Obviously it will take a lot to find that time for me.
I will have to find new people in my life to be there, because I have lost so many.
I will have to continue hoping I am being the true friend I know I can be without getting blindsided by the distractions in life.
I can only hope to find that person that can take me as I am and not try to change me as a person.
And there is that person for me.
I can hope I find those friends that will keep pushing me to be better in my life.
And believe I am worth fighting for!
I can only imagine of someone that can be the strong one for me at times, and allow me to take my moment to be taken care of.
I know time will never stand still for anyone. But maybe I can find that time to catch up on where I want to be in life and not have to drown getting there.

Where to go now?

Times have been better.
Moments have been better.
Thoughts have been better.

But I chose to take this life and hold on to it.
I chose to take this challenge.

I seem to find myself without the friends I did have.
I have seem to figure the realness of everything.
It's like reality has hit a bit.

I am older.
And I have a kid.
My life as I know it isn't what I thought it was or could be.

I hold onto what I had but then let go for a minute and it's all gone.

I'm not sure how to react to it.
I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure how where to go from here.

I have caught myself wanting to date again.
But I don't want the relationship in it, mainly just someone to have.

The time I have is not much.

I give my time to my son and family and the little I can spare I hangout with my friends.
The little I have.

I feel lost right now.
Not sure where to go from here.
What to do.
I plan all these things in my head but I don't react on them.
I don't know how to take control of my life.

Course in order to take control of your life, you need to know what life you have.

I know I have a work life, a mom life but what do I do beyond that?

Where do I go now?

F you

I'm done trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth being friends with. I'm done worrying about what everyone thinks when it comes to me choosing who i want to be with. I'm done being made felt like I'm the worst person in the world after I bust my ass day after day to make sure myself and my son has a home to come home to. I wake up daily proud to be the mom I am. The person I am. I may make wrong or crazy decisions or make changes in my life when I feel it's something needed...but who doesn't? It kills me inside knowing I have people in the world that hate me. People in this world that dislike me. People in this world that only see me by what people tell them. I'm human. I know it shouldn't bother me, but looking up my friends on Facebook and noticing I have been deleted makes me feel pretty shitty too. But I still go on! I say FUCK everyone who thinks I'm wrong into feeling proud of who i am. And I say FUCK you to the people that feel they can't be my friend because they have to chose one side or the other. And fuck that person that put them in that position and help make them chose. I may not have had a logical explanation but I chose what I did for me. And if anyone wants to even consider knowing what it has been like to be in my shoes....well I'd say go ahead and ask instead of hiding behind ur opinions and your information on what you think you know about me. 

feeling forgotten

I know I have a great family. And I have some pretty good friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have I would like to say they are pretty good.
Recently I have lost a few and I miss talking to them.
I have been trying to talk to and/or hangout with one that I hvnt' seen in awhile and I have truly missed having that person to talk to.
But with my schedule and theirs it seems to mess things up.
This weekend we were supposed to hangout but they had "over booked" the weekend a lil and it looks like we have to reschedule.
I am not mad at that person. But I am disappointed.
Because of the reasoning.
I hate that I have to miss out on things.
I miss out on a lot.
I see my younger sister seeing the world. Able to do what she has always thought of doing and expanding her life's adventure.
I see my older sister buying a new car, a new house, getting married and able to go out to do things like concerts, parties and what not.
Why can't life be easier for me?
All I have needed was some friend time. Some time to make myself feel human again.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish things could just come to me just as easy.
The weekend plan thing isn't a horrible thing. And I can't wait to hangout with that friend.
But this has hit a "nerve" or "sensitive" spot that has been growing inside of me for awhile now.
It just sucks.

My Fault

I took a walk on a Saturday nightFog in the airJust to make my mind seem clearWhere do I go from here?I see my breath pushing steam through the airShaking hands run through my hairMy fears, where do I go from here?Is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Walking down to the water's edgeAsking why I’m here instead of homeNow I stand aloneI stop to stare at the ocean sideI'm breathing in just to feel it’s sidewith his like you were here with meIs it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest nightIt's in the brightest lightIt's when the world is movingOh, it's in the faintest cryIt's in the lover's eyeIs when I need you mostAnd don't you know?Is it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other