pushed

Thinking of the things I have chosen.
And I have many regrets.
But I do not regret taking a step back to make sure it's what I wanted.
I saw a new side to someone these past weeks.
Something that is kinda "mentally" scary.
I know physically nothing could happen...but it was still off.
When a person is with someone for over a year you would think they know each other pretty good.
The ins and outs of that person. to a certain extent.
We had many good times together.
Dinners, movies, nights in and out, occasional family occasions, moments where we would hangout with his friends....there were a lot of good times.
We spent almost a year together without one argument. No disagreement. Nothing.
A year without being introduced to their environment and able to see "their domain".
A  year not truly knowing how that person felt.
A year that went from up hill climbing to a platue because that step never got reached.
Not knowing what to do next because one did not know where to go from there....it just faded.
Things fade.
I noticed the fade.
I noticed not getting phone calls or texts till that free time was available.
I noticed that time that I wondered if they were thinking of me, or remembering I was apart of their lives.
I noticed that I felt "forgotten" when that messaged wasn't acknowledged.
I noticed that week that because I didn't make the effort to text or call...neither did they.
I noticed that.
So that week turned into two...then two & half...
That's when I saw they noticed it.
By then?...I didn't know anymore.
I got used to the relationship part to be spuratic. We would go days without talking and then have that one day a week time together.
I faded..
It faded into finding out who I was and what I wanted.
Not controlling how I feel because of those actions happening....I was fading without even knowing I was fading.
That person saw me fading.
Then made a total 360 turn around to severe pushing.
After the thoughts were already on the table.
Constantly making that effort to show what they were hiding all along.
Pushing and pushing that they really were thinking of me but didn't know how to let me know that.
How does one not know how to show someone they care for, that they really do?
Life happens like that.
It blinds people from totally understanding the concept of figuring out how to love. or care about someone.
Going to texting 30 times a day from just 3 times a day makes it seem.....pushed.
Commenting and liking everything all of a sudden makes it seem....pushed.
Randomly showing up at someones job without the knowledge of that person wanting you there makes it seem...pushed.
Spending an hour outside a person's home without being invited while that person is not home....makes it seem....pushed.
I have lost focus on why I was falling for that person.
I see pushing.
I know things happen and things change.
And it is really hard to accept it.
When someone tries to tell you that they just don't know what they want at the moment and they told that person that a relationship just isn't a good time for them....you don't push.
Finally knowing how that person did feel is good enough.
Knowing that it wasn't jst a one sided thing.
Taking that waiting period to a whole new pushing level can make it seem..."mentally scary".
And that said person may not even be aware of it.