Well it happened again...

I don't know what I do to repel people from me.

Once again I lost a person that I could actually talk to and get along with and not have to worry about them just using me.

I would like to say "it's whatever" but I can't.
Because it's not.

Although it was a short time for me to know this person it almost felt like it was someone I could trust with myself. Knowing I could be me and not have to hide behind someone I'm not.

The person I am "seeing" doesn't even know who I am.

I carry this brick wall around me and I don't know how to put it down.

I have reasons to not trust people. Yes, it be annoying to the outside eye...but I have my reasons.

At age 2 I was diagnosed with cancer.
At age 6 my parents divorced because of what they lost while I was going through the treatments of cancer.
At age 12 I got introduced to how I can deal with the pain and bring it outside and NOT keep it all bottled in.
At age 15 is when I decided I couldn't live anymore for what I had done and become.
At age 16 I was raped, beaten and scared for life mentally of the men that could come into my life.
At age 19 I once again lost focus on who I could be.

I am now living with all this inside of me and even though my life has gotten better, I still feel like I could have done so much more to prepare myself and the people in my life.

I am happy with where I am, but I am still not happy with who I am.

I can't take a compliment because I don't feel like I deserve it.
I can't accept anything when it comes to emotions because I don't know if I can believe it.

I'm sorry for whatever I did to drive those people away.  And I am sorry if i changed your mind about how you saw me. Knowing that I can cause others pain because mine truly makes me think I shouldnt even bother to try.

Maybe I'm not meant to carry on a friendship like I hoped I could.

Despite the person's choice, I will have to accept it and move on and hope for the best that they find someone they can relate to and trust completely.