I'm taking this time

Not sure where to go from here.
There are many things I wanted in my life that I would love to achieve.
I don't see them happening though.
I see myself like this yearly getting closer to being alone once Jman graduates and heads to college.
I know I chose this for myself, but sometimes I just expect more.
I would love more.
I just hope that soon later on down the road I won't be looked upon as a failure.
I know there are those people that will always love me regardless on where I am in my life, but sometimes i have that feeling that they were hoping for more for me.
I hope for more.
I hope daily I can get up in the morning and achieve what I want to do for that day.
I wake up weekly setting that goal for myself but I never seem to finish everything on that "list".
There seems to always be something else.
I put other's wants in front of my own and that puts everything on my list to take that step back.
I try so hard to bring those people in my life and make them apart of my life. But there seems to be something that pushes them out again.
There is never that time where you can keep them in your life long enough to know where it could have gone.
Sadly it happens.
Knowing that it happens puts me back down again where I chose to push back more things.
It's my own fault not able to handle everything...
It's my own fault not trying harder.

I take this time to apologize for the times I took for myself and left those others behind.
I take this time to hope time allows myself to take those steps in my life that could better me.
I take this time to be selfish and hope no one looks down on me for it.