getting things off my back

Lately I have been feeling discouraged. 

Things have been going great but mentally I have been thinking a lot. 

I am wanting things done personally in myself that I haven't been able to get done. I want to gain the motivation to workout more, to eat healthier, to put on clothes and be happy with myself. Things like that just don't happen over night, I know. But I lose focus on it because I have so much more going on in my life. 

I know there people out there that have busy lives, and still get their asses in the gym. I find myself at the bottom of the hill when I feel like I should have already been over it so many times already. 

I have dieted, I have worked out but it just seems like I lose focus and give up. 

My true thoughts is, I want to be home more. I want to be able to take my son to school, work on the apartment, have a normal daily workout routine, plan dinners, pick my son up from school, help him with his homework, take him to practices, and still be able to have family time before we have to rush home, make dinner, get homework done, after practice when it's 8pm, and then get to bed by midnight knowing I haven't taken a shower in 2 days. I have laundry piled in the hallway, dishes piling in the sick spilling over on the counter, floors that need to be vacuumed and a bedroom that could use some cleaning. All in all it's a good 'lived in" home, but I know it could be maintained better. I know that I can be the 'super mom' that I wish I could be. 

I love working. I have been working since I was 16 and I know I would be completely bored out of my mind if I was just at home all day. But I also feel I need the opportunity to try and be the mom I can be and take care of my family. I just don't know how I can do that and still not able to pay for my bills. 

I know I am not the only one in the world who has to deal with this. And I know there are many people out there that has done the 'stay at home mom' and 'one income' thing. But it scares me thinking that one income isn't enough. 

Lots of things happen in my life that I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle if I decided to go this direction and it doesn't work. I would like to work part-time eventually, but I really want to be that person who can rest and not have to feel this way. 

I know selfish is what everyone thinks. I don't get to be selfish very often. I don't get to just wake up and think "hey, I want to do this for me and I am going to do it for me'. I don't think I could ever do that. 


My family is everything to me. I love everything about my family. But I feel that my life needs a change. and I am not sure this is what it needs but I keep getting pulled in that direction of what it needs to be.

it's happened.

 The moment it happens...it's almost too late to take it back.
 It's almost like a permanent promise to your heart that isn't returnable after a certain point.
 Holding back makes it so much harder and taking it in makes it almost unbearable. You can never really know what to expect but you have to take that chance of just letting it all in.
 Accepting what's happening right now. Accepting what's creating itself for the future. And knowing you will be blindsided the whole way.
 That feeling will make it all the hundred times better to take chances and just leap into it.
 I have been holding on for too long. Longing to find that feeling. And never really know how to just accept it. I have chose to accept it now. And it feels all and then more of what I expect.
 It is tearing me up from the inside out but in a good way pulling me towards the one thing I truly want to accept. It is breaking apart the bearer that has been up for so long. And it's going full force to rebuild what was damaged so everything can created fresh and new.
 Time has set still. Time has allowed me to hold on just enough to feel this again. I want to think it's just that one thing. But I know that it's more than that. I know it's that, times so much more of what I have been afraid of. I have been holding back for so long. I didn't think it was no where near possible that anything like this could happen again. And now it's nothing I had expected to feel.
 Knowing that time will tell more. Knowing time will show all. Knowing things will be harder to grasp but even harder to let go. And knowing that if I let go just once, time will catch up and I could lose it all before I could even have it.

 It sneaks up on you so fast that I didn't see it coming. Blindsided by what you hoped to control but it was just too strong to block.
 Once it's there, it's there and no matter how much you wish for it to stop because you're so afraid, you hold on to it even more because you are afraid.
 There will be fear. There will be tears. There will be happiness and anger. There will be so much more feelings that you could ever imagine. But you take in those emotions. You accept what is happening because letting of something so strong as this....?....it's too much to lose. Too much to let go. Too much of a chance to make it the biggest "what if" of your life.

They say "it's never too late to let go and turn it all around"....I beg to differ. I have hit that "too late" mark...and it's the best feeling in the world.

I have fallen...and still is. And I hope I continue falling.

Forever.
Always.
And....forever.

back and ready for anything

So it has been a long time since I have been on here posting about how I feel and what is going on with me. I have been really busy with work, soccer season is here for Jasper, and then I have had to help with my seester's wedding. But everything has calmed down some. Just enough for me to realize what all is in my line of vision and what I have in front of me. And that is a lot of great things.

I am down almost 2 dress sizes. Knowing I am sticking to being healthy and sticking to something without quitting a huge celebration in my part. I am happy with how I look but I know that I have some other things to do, to get to where I need to be health wise. I need to work on a schedule to tone up and get a routine down so me and Jasper can start walking again.

Vegas was amazing! I had a blast seeing my seesters together for the first time since January. All the girls had a blast and since it was like a little mini vacation for me, I was super excited to get away and have some fun.

Stacie's wedding was beautiful and pretty amazing. I had a blast. I was kind of bummed that my date bailed on me, but I think it all came out good. Jasper was amazing! He was a really handsome ring little man and he danced amazingly during the reception. I am so happy I have so many great people in my life, family and friends, that I can have fun with.

For a about 4 months...maybe a little less, off and on I have been on a dating site called OK Cupid that is on my phone. The app is a bit like Plenty of Fish but it counts the percentage of how well you would be relationship wise, friendship wise and enemy wise. I am not sure how accurate it is, I doubt it's not as accurate as some would hope, but I think it also helps you see what you could be looking for future wise down the road. I have met some interesting people on this site. Some bad, some good. My first date was fun. I still talk to him from time to time, but we were both looking for different things. I feel he just isn't ready to be in a relationship and take that time to make it work. The second guy was pretty great. He is a real sweetheart. We have gone on 3 dates and have watched a movie and caught a game. He is looking for something more long term...something I am as well. But there is just something not quite there. I am still wondering if I am just being too picky or missing something. I always seem to push people away when I feel they are too...I don't know how to word it. I do still talk to him. I havn't gone out with him or seen him since before I left for Vegas.
October 1st I received a message from a guy names Chris. Unlike the others, his message was detailed on what he was looking for, what he liked about my profile, and you could tell he had looked at every detail of what I wrote on my profile and made sure that I was someone he was looking for. I honestly can't put how the past 2 weeks have been for me. Currently he is living in Georgia. OK Cupid only looks for people in your area, and I am sure you're asking "why is she talking to someone so far away" LoL! Well...He had put Dallas, TX as his current location because he is planning on moving to the Dallas area in December. So anyways...I think I am hooked on this guy.  He is everything I have been looking for in a guy, I know that I havn't met him in person and I know some believe that online dating never works, but this one seems to be working so well. I have learned so much about him. Talked to him daily. Seem him on skype. I just hope I don't get my hopes up and he never comes to me. Or I mess it up like I do with every other relationship I am in.

I am truly happy with my life right now. Jasper has been doing great in school. Soccer has been great. Keeping us busy. I am getting close to a good target weight and staying healthy. I have a great friend Sam at work that I have been able to talk to regularly. My family is as always amazing and now I have been getting out there, meeting new people and hopfully finding the love of my life.

Week 3

Week 3 has arrived. I am really happy with the results I see in the pictures. The scale hasn't really moved much, but I'm happy with what I'm looking like. 

I have had a horrible week this week. Lots of stuff going on and me almost losing my eye site was pretty scary too. I have learned my lesson on contacts and making sure they are clean. 

I've learned also that people come and go. And people let you down. But there are those people who support you no matter what! 

After all the emotions that have came out of me this week, seeing results from what I have been working on has almost made it better: 

praying I can make it through this one transition and move on to the other...

Okay.

I am just getting something off my chest because I tend to over think things WAY too much.
Taking that big step of meeting new people is hard. I am not good at just opening up to people and telling them how I feel. When I take one action I tend to go back and rethink what I did and the possible outcome of the action. Half the time I am just being dumb but there are those times where my thoughts of the outcome are right. Right now I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping I am just being ridiculous and nothing horrible is going to happen. I know the actions I chose are my faults. And I know I have no control of the outcome of it if it includes someone else. But those "hopeful" thinkings do happen.

Right now I am crossing my fingers and praying to the good lord I didn't mess anything up.

That is all.

starting off right

Ok. So a lot has been going on the past 2 weeks.

New people, change in body, new look on life and getting closer to achieve the goals I want to hit.

You can my body is no where close to where it needs to be but I am getting there. As always you just have to take those small steps into doing something different in your life. The scale hsn't told me I have lost a lot, but the pictures show I am losing something. I super happy about the results right now, but I know I just have to keep pushing myself to get that healthier body that I want.

I have been talking to new people. Taking chances and stepping up.

Last weekend I had a blast with my neighbors. They are some really great friends! and we had so much fun!
I know that I enjoy my alone time, but knowing I have those girls to talk to?...It helps a lot.
I have also gotten closer to my friend Sam at work. She is a great person to talk to about personal things and how I feel about certain topics. In my head, we hit this moment where I didnt think I could talk to her like I could. But realization hit me and I knew being upset with her about something that was as dumb as it was, I knew I couldn't lose her someone that has been there for me. We have grown on each other.

Dating is a new step I feel I can take now.
I have talked to some people and made plans. I have hung out with one and had spent some good times. Just going out and hanging out has been great. I know I can't always go out, but knowing I am able to step up and make that effort helps me keep motivated to stay focused on my appearance and health.

I know I had set a goal for myself months ago...but I really want to push myself to keep staying focused. I want to be healthy for my son as he grows up. I want to feel comfortable with myself and feel pretty.

I have survived cancer, attempted suicide, anxiety, being a single parent...I can do this. I have to!

Yesterday I started on this new weight loss thing my sis-in-law has been taking. It has worked for her so far, and I have seen some pretty good reviews for it. The first day I got a lot of energy and it helped me feel in a good mood. Not sure if it was the pill or just me liking to start something new for me. I am real eager to see where this puts in. I am going to get the 30 day supply after I the week one. I took the "before" pic and I hope I see some kind of results by the end of this month.

This diet is called Ace. It's an energy weight loss pill. You drink TONS of water with it and with the results of not exercising while taking it seems to be just as effective. I started doing stretches and crunches yesterday. I started small, just to see how far I could go. I am planning on starting to do ZUMBA again, and I hope to see that help as well toning things up as I lose. I don't plan on lifting weights or doing any major muscle building things. As I know that won't help me lose anything at all but gain more.

I have not been happy with my body for a good 5yrs or so. I wish I could go back the body I had after I had my son. I had lost so much weight having to work a full time job and be that single mom. I still work that but it is much easier now that my son is older and in school. I just want to be confident in my body and right now I'm not. Hopefully this will have decent results into helping me gain my confidence back.

So here's to losing weight and being happy with myself.

I hope it comes out with a huge "daaaammmmn!" ;-)