Missing you because of who I was when I thought I had you.

Once again left in the loop

Alright. You got what you wanted I guess. Times have once again switched to where I'm the dumb one & got reeled in to another sappy love story. I really thought this was gonna end great. I had high positive hopes & it got blown away. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did. I almost want to try & forget it. But I can't. I thought the connection was there this time. We went from talking a lot, to talking a lil to none. & I don't know why. I was hoping it was because you were busy. I know you have constant work schedules. But I know you've been able to chat some. It's ok. I'm a big girl. Just figured I deserved an explanation. I would have given you one. I'm a pretty upfront chick. I tell it how it is & if it's not something you agreed with that's ur choice.
I felt like we had it. The attraction, the common likes, they same aspects of life, the romantic out look. it was there. Rather I saw it or u didnt. I'm always going to be there. Thinking of what I did wrong. & that is on you now. Until I find out otherwise.
My broken necklace on ur dresser will haunt ur room LoL!

Our first

You kissd me for the first time on your way out for an outside drunkin piss :-) We were all sitting at the table, some of us partially more drunk than the rest. Your lips were soft but firm on mine. It was an out of know where kiss, but something I wouldn't want to forget. When you came back your shyness appeared again. It was cute, you were cute. Occasionally staring into my eyes as I took sneak peeks when I didnt think no one was thinking to see.
Everyone told me that you mention me a lot. I was informed by some you couldn't stop mentioning me. It made me smile.
I remember us flirting. You pulling me in your lap. Your arms wrapped around me. It just felt right. I tried to kiss you but you wouldn't let me. You told me you were afraid to show me how you felt about me. Scared to let go. Se sat at that table & you poured your heart out to me. You told me you forget about her when you think of me. You asked me who I was. Where I came from. What I wanted. And why you.
You make me smile. You give me something to think about when I'm in all my moods. Happy. Sad. Lost. Forgotten. The thought of putting you in my life almost seemed it could complete it or maybe begin it. I know it sounds of the wall deep. But that's part of who I am. When I let I out, I just let it out.
The 2nd moment I will always remember is the way you moved my hair out of my face and leaned in & kiss me. I know you were drunk. & I hoped u cld remember this moment. But even if u didn't it meant something to me.
You still played shy. But when you touched me it was like that part of you disappeared. Even for the slightest moment.
I figured this moment was meant to be remembered. Even if there was a slight possibility of you remembering.

The thought of it all seems crazy. But the times we share the craziness seems to just go away.

Sex without love....

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Dark meaningless or could be meaningful hole

*i am in a weird mood today and hoping to get out of it soon. so bear w/me and my thoughts.*

being caught in this hole is making me feel so alone.
with no one to talk to because no one really knows.
i have hidden this feeling, that i can't hide anymore.
i have hiddden the darkness for too long.

i love knowing to know.
i hate not knowing to love.
i hate everything about it.
i hate being inside.
i thought i was beyond this feeling.
these feelings i have feared.
this feeling of having no one.
who knows what i fear.

i have a lot of someones.
but no one really knows.
everything that has been happening,
or anything that has been going on.

i blame only myself.
and no one else to add.
cause my love...has already passed.
everything is a blur.
nothing makes since.
im scared of losing.
and afraid to gain.

only one can stop this.
but only one can control it.
how can i get out this darkness of mess?

Wat to think...

Give me a reason to care & I will. Show me it's all worth it & I'll stay. I long to need you but do you need me? Is everything gone or is it still slightly there to keep us safe? I worship the times it all made since. Why is everything like it is? Give me a reason I know it's there. Give me a sign my heart is still there. Our thoughts & feelings have got to be the same. Nothing can just disappear from what it was to this.

 Life is just one screwed up mess after another. Depending on the decisions you make, the decisions the poeple around you make and all the actions around you. Mistakes are a huge factor in life. You learn from them and you also live with them. Sometimes it takes others to let go fast, as others, it will probably take a lifetime. Judgement is a huge factor in life as well. Judgement on who people are now, in the past, what they are looking forward to in the future, where they live, what they drive, how they dress and what they're family and friends are like. To me...judgement is distraction. Knowing those things is just another characteristic of the person you are trying to get to know. Non of that necessarily means they are ever going to be a bad person, it's the actions and emotions they show when they are with you or around people they trust. Trust is a another key factor of life. Trusting the car you're riding in. The person you're working with. The person you love. Your family. Your friends. Trusting that every step you take you fall flat on your face. Can you feel trust? Can you feel the emotions of that special someone? Rather they are your friend, family memeber or enemy? Emotions can tell a lot from someone if you really pay attention. Knowing they they are comfortable enough to laugh, cry or yell in front of you. That's when you can really build a strong relationship with someone. Relationships are taken granted when you add love to them. You can easily build a relationship to a complete stranger, if you really want to. And that doesn't mean "love" has to be introduced. Love. There is so much to say about love. Love is what makes life more and more difficult to happen. When you say "I love you" to someone that could change a lot of people's lives in a split second. You can say "I love you" so a friend, family member or a person you want to give your heart to. But when you do say it, it's almost impossible to take back . You can take back a lot of things in life. Things you've said bad about someone. Things you've given someone. The words "I love you" is kinda like a kiss. You may kiss someone, and pretend it didn't happen, but it really did. It's an emotion. You can't control emotions once they're triggered. When you feel something, it means there is somethign there. Rather it's sadness, depression, lust, love or anger. Life can trigger any of those emotions. And once you let them go, there's no telling what path your life will take.

New

Thinking back on what I expected it to be like makes me laugh right now. Things happen & sometimes you jst gotta pushed it aside & let it go before it ruins you completely. I was almost there. I almost ruined everything.

Tonight I FINALLY got to chill with my sister & hangout with some people. GROWNUPS! Hehe! I enjoyed it a lot. I believe that I was a bit awkward at it since it's been years since I've really socialized. I felt like I was finally released into the wild & not sure how to act. I wanted to scream for happiness. Let alone, it was only poker after Jman's game but it was something for me :-))

I have noticed I still have my flirt on pretty good. (at least I believe I do)I talked to my sis bout a guy I have been chatting with for awhile & she wsnt upset bout it but it made me feel better she wasn't against the fact if something was so happen. Hehe! I've been waiting to find someone I cld share information with that dsnt put me down for stating my opinion. Or someone that's interested in what I enjoy & not put me me down making a comment bout my stupidity or something in that sort. I want to let lose & get back to who I was. So far this person I've been sharing my time with has allowed me to be me again. I'm sure I'll figure out I have friends still out there. But knowing someone who has basically been here all along & finding out we share common stuff & enjoy the company of others & our kids makes ms know that the life I was living wasn't worth trying for. I deserve better. & when i find myself enjoying myself?...everyone else out there will see me too.

Today has been a great day. Spending my day with Jman. Having his party with friends & family. Then ending it with a great night with chill people & a person I may be shy with now in person but wanting to get to know in the future :-)

Heres to a great day for me & my people!