Where to go now?

Times have been better.
Moments have been better.
Thoughts have been better.

But I chose to take this life and hold on to it.
I chose to take this challenge.

I seem to find myself without the friends I did have.
I have seem to figure the realness of everything.
It's like reality has hit a bit.

I am older.
And I have a kid.
My life as I know it isn't what I thought it was or could be.

I hold onto what I had but then let go for a minute and it's all gone.

I'm not sure how to react to it.
I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure how where to go from here.

I have caught myself wanting to date again.
But I don't want the relationship in it, mainly just someone to have.

The time I have is not much.

I give my time to my son and family and the little I can spare I hangout with my friends.
The little I have.

I feel lost right now.
Not sure where to go from here.
What to do.
I plan all these things in my head but I don't react on them.
I don't know how to take control of my life.

Course in order to take control of your life, you need to know what life you have.

I know I have a work life, a mom life but what do I do beyond that?

Where do I go now?

F you

I'm done trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth being friends with. I'm done worrying about what everyone thinks when it comes to me choosing who i want to be with. I'm done being made felt like I'm the worst person in the world after I bust my ass day after day to make sure myself and my son has a home to come home to. I wake up daily proud to be the mom I am. The person I am. I may make wrong or crazy decisions or make changes in my life when I feel it's something needed...but who doesn't? It kills me inside knowing I have people in the world that hate me. People in this world that dislike me. People in this world that only see me by what people tell them. I'm human. I know it shouldn't bother me, but looking up my friends on Facebook and noticing I have been deleted makes me feel pretty shitty too. But I still go on! I say FUCK everyone who thinks I'm wrong into feeling proud of who i am. And I say FUCK you to the people that feel they can't be my friend because they have to chose one side or the other. And fuck that person that put them in that position and help make them chose. I may not have had a logical explanation but I chose what I did for me. And if anyone wants to even consider knowing what it has been like to be in my shoes....well I'd say go ahead and ask instead of hiding behind ur opinions and your information on what you think you know about me. 

feeling forgotten

I know I have a great family. And I have some pretty good friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have I would like to say they are pretty good.
Recently I have lost a few and I miss talking to them.
I have been trying to talk to and/or hangout with one that I hvnt' seen in awhile and I have truly missed having that person to talk to.
But with my schedule and theirs it seems to mess things up.
This weekend we were supposed to hangout but they had "over booked" the weekend a lil and it looks like we have to reschedule.
I am not mad at that person. But I am disappointed.
Because of the reasoning.
I hate that I have to miss out on things.
I miss out on a lot.
I see my younger sister seeing the world. Able to do what she has always thought of doing and expanding her life's adventure.
I see my older sister buying a new car, a new house, getting married and able to go out to do things like concerts, parties and what not.
Why can't life be easier for me?
All I have needed was some friend time. Some time to make myself feel human again.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish things could just come to me just as easy.
The weekend plan thing isn't a horrible thing. And I can't wait to hangout with that friend.
But this has hit a "nerve" or "sensitive" spot that has been growing inside of me for awhile now.
It just sucks.

My Fault

I took a walk on a Saturday nightFog in the airJust to make my mind seem clearWhere do I go from here?I see my breath pushing steam through the airShaking hands run through my hairMy fears, where do I go from here?Is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Walking down to the water's edgeAsking why I’m here instead of homeNow I stand aloneI stop to stare at the ocean sideI'm breathing in just to feel it’s sidewith his like you were here with meIs it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest nightIt's in the brightest lightIt's when the world is movingOh, it's in the faintest cryIt's in the lover's eyeIs when I need you mostAnd don't you know?Is it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Possible love

I've lost someone I could possibly love. Not aware of what it could have been...but it certainly was in arms reach of something. And now it's gone. 

blessed but broken

I have been feeling VERY blessed lately.
Knowing I have so many people in my life that I can love and hangout with.
I know me and Jasper will always have out family.
These last few feelings of feeling blessed has been pretty amazing.
I still feel like something is missing on my end.
I see all these couples truly loving each other and it makes me miss what I could have.
When I have that though, it's hard for me to hold on to it.
I wish I wasn't broken.
I wish I could just accept someone caring for me and hold on to it.
I love how my life is now.
Knowing I have a lil man that adores me so much, and knowing I have someone that will always be there for me makes me so happy to wake up in the morning.
Knowing though that he will not always be there makes me worry about being alone.
I want to hold on to someone for me and my "intimate" feelings.
I know this may seem selfish,
but I just wish I could be strong enough to have that love.

I'm taking this time

Not sure where to go from here.
There are many things I wanted in my life that I would love to achieve.
I don't see them happening though.
I see myself like this yearly getting closer to being alone once Jman graduates and heads to college.
I know I chose this for myself, but sometimes I just expect more.
I would love more.
I just hope that soon later on down the road I won't be looked upon as a failure.
I know there are those people that will always love me regardless on where I am in my life, but sometimes i have that feeling that they were hoping for more for me.
I hope for more.
I hope daily I can get up in the morning and achieve what I want to do for that day.
I wake up weekly setting that goal for myself but I never seem to finish everything on that "list".
There seems to always be something else.
I put other's wants in front of my own and that puts everything on my list to take that step back.
I try so hard to bring those people in my life and make them apart of my life. But there seems to be something that pushes them out again.
There is never that time where you can keep them in your life long enough to know where it could have gone.
Sadly it happens.
Knowing that it happens puts me back down again where I chose to push back more things.
It's my own fault not able to handle everything...
It's my own fault not trying harder.

I take this time to apologize for the times I took for myself and left those others behind.
I take this time to hope time allows myself to take those steps in my life that could better me.
I take this time to be selfish and hope no one looks down on me for it.