Someone New

People come in and out your life. Regardless of if you want them to or not.

At any moment you can be introduced to someone that you will spend 1min to 50+ years of your life.

How you keep hold of that "relationship" is the most important decision you can make when it comes to the "friendship" you create with that person.

Everyone has a meaning to someone.

LOVE

HATRED

CONFUSION

REBELLION

FRIENDS

COLLEGUES

Anyone can anything to someone.

I strive to find someone I can talk to freely with.
Someone that can listen to me when I have shit to talk about. Someone that I listen to when they have shit to talk about. Someone that understands that I have a life and I will do anything I can to keep the whatever we have but I still have to continue on to my life.

No one understands that.
And finding someone that does is rare.
At some point there is going to be that someone that says they "understand" but they really don't.
Then once again...I am left alone.

I don't have many people I can call a friend.

I live a crazy ass life growing up. Nothing out of the ordinary when it came to my home life. But mentally I didn't live it the way I should have. I was lost most of the time and at times now I still feel I am. I feel out of the loop of a lot of things. Rather it is what's going on at work, family or news. I am always the last to know.

I feel excluded from the life I wish I could have. The life most people have. I am trapped in these 4 walls not knowing what the hell is going on. What's really out there.

Friendship allowed me to know somewhat of whats going on. Mentally I could release the confusion and breath air that wasn't my own.

How do you know you have chosen the right one?

How do you know if that person will really stick around and get to know the "craziness" of your life?
And accept it?

"time will tell" is what I always hear. "you don't need anyone else in your life but your son"...selfish I know, but I feel I should have that someone to let me...be me.

Who will that person be??

Have I already found that person?

"TIME WILL TELL"

6 long amazing years

From the day I found out I was having a baby I think I was the as nervous as I have ever been. I was 18 about to be 19...just started college. Working 40+ hrs a wk at Taco Bell. & the father of the baby wasn't anyone but a high school boyfriend that came in and out of my life as often as my menstrual cycle.

I found out the week after the father had disappeared. I was just about to go into work when I just randomly starting getting sick. It was about 4pm. I remember beacause that's when Hero by Enrique Iglesias came on every day at the same time on the Taco Bell radio in the lobby.

I was scared shitless!!

I was pregnant before when I was 15. Just a sophomore in high school. I promised myself I wasn't going to let this happen to me again until I was well over done with college. I wanted to do better for myself. I wanted to be ready. I was not ready.

The father accused me of cheating, lying, anything else to make an excuse to come back and take care of things. Turns out that he had found out someone else was prego with his baby else where prob about a month before or after from when I was due. RIDICULOUS!!

I worked my ass off getting ready for this baby. I worked until the day my water broke. The father had come back about 2months prior....and we "worked" things out. We made plans on what we were going to do when the baby came. We talked about names. Never came up with a boy's name. (he wanted Justin Cole Robertson Jr.) negative. I was not going to do a junior. The girl's name was going to be Serenitie Lynn...it was about the day before when I decided Jasper. It was my great grandpa's name. I decided to give Jasper my last name. With everything going on, it was just going to make things easier when it came to paper work crap.

I was around 5am when my water broke. I felt like I had pissed myself. I had to waddle to my mom's room and let her know what the hell was going on. I laid in my bed for about an hour as my mom, step-dad and seester took showers and got dressed. I think I call the father 20 times before we headed to the hospital. He had been at a party the night before and had been drinking so he was passed out.

I think it was about 6:30am when we finally got to the ER. We checked in. Got my room. Just waited. The father showed up about 8am. And fell back asleep on the chair in my room.

I started pushing about 5pm. With the father asleep in the chair, my mom holding my hand, my sister Stacie right next to the nurse watching anything that was happening down below.

Jasper Cole Wright. 9'6lbs. 21in long. 5:46pm.

He was beautiful.

Perfect.

And now he's about to be 6yrs old.

Still beautiful and perfect.

secrets

se·cret

 [see-krit] Show IPA

adjective

1.

done, made, or conducted without the knowledge of others: secret negotiations.

2. kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged:
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I have a secret that I can't tell many people.

I have a secret that many people would really like to know.

I have a secret that I can honestly say I am happy with.
Regardless of the being a secret.

I have had someone special in my life for three months going on four.

He has made my life pretty much worth having. Adding him into the life I have with Jasper, has given me a perspective on how the dating life could be and lead up to something more than just friends. I am learning how to combine work, being a mommy and being special to someone that could possibly be considered a significant other.

All I can say right now, when it's involving my "relationship" status? I'm happy.

But I can't let many people know.

It could jeopardize things. I am mainly okay with it. But sometimes I just want to brag about what I have.

So I have a secret.

A wonderful secret.

And even though no one knows....I am still happy.  

I know I don't have you but I want you

So sick and tired of being patient.

So sick and tired of people telling me it will happen.

"Things will happen in time."

"Things will happen when you least expect it."

I'm 25 with an almost 6yr old kid. He's about to start kindergarten. What do I do then?

I want a real family as my own.

I want someone to be a part of my family. And wants to be apart of my family.

Many working mothers feel guilty about not being at home. And when they are there, they wish it could be perfect. This pressure to make every minute happy puts working parents in a bind when it comes to setting limits and modifying behavior.

Not Knowing What to Feel at This Time....

BLANK.

My mind is blank.

Not blank as I'm not thinking of something. But blank that I don't know how to fix what I'm feeling.

I'm completly confused.

I want to feel one thing and I keep finding myself to feel something else.

But my couriousity is there as well that I want to know what the other person that is making me think this way feels. And that person is complete closed book.

I know how they act outside of the "our time". But outside is what keeps me on the curious side.

They are REALLY good at keeping it perfessional.

So my mind is blank.

I have no idea where to go with this.

I have know clue what I should be feeling because I do not want to be feeling the opposite when I could be thinking another.

BLANK.

something out of the ordinary...or is it?

               The day began great. Woke up my son, got him ready for school and fed him some breakfast. When I returned home from taking him in, I entered into my nice clean I had cleaned the day before and felt complete relaxation. This was the day I went out and did something for myself. And I was ready to take that on. Proceding to get ready I happy to say I felt like I cleaned up pretty nice. Continuing with putting on my face, straghtening my hair (even though the friend I wld be meeting in a few hours perfers my hair curly). As the time gets closer you would think I would be nervous for doing something like this. Meeting someone I work with, and having feelings for them, even though they may not share the same. I was in total comfort.

                  We had made this, "lunch date" last week because we had shared a previous lunch when he introduced me to sushi. I had attempted to try some in the past but I'm guessing the buffet kind is not the same as the real kind. He was kind to me. walked me through some decision, but allowed me to choose without making me feel inferior.

              Waking up from the flash back I then hear a knock on my door and as I pull the door open, the man I would be having my lunch date with smiles while saying "hello" as I invite inside. The excitement it bearable, yet not. He pulls out a bouquet of tulips (my fav!) and that's when I know this day is going to be a good one. I place them in the kitchen and procede to grab my purse and keys and as I turn to open the door so we can continue our afternoon, he says "you're very pretty today". Blushing, I thank him and closing the door begins the day I will remember for a good while.

            Before, I wouldn't be doing this. Being a single mother, it's hard to find the time to do something for yourself. Dating someone is something I feel selfish about. Knowing that Jman isnt being involved bothers me, but I know him not knowing is what's best for him. Introducing him to this part of my life too soon can cause complications. And he's not needed to be in that part of the life until it's a certain thing that it will be a regular thing.

          The drive was a long one, but seemed a little shorter than expected. Maybe it was because the conversations were good and having the company was even better.

           We approach our destination at Maggianos, an itailian restraunt that loooks amazing. It's supposed to be like Olive Garden, and as he told me, better. Learning about him is pretty interesting. At work, I wouldn't imagine him as someone other than my employee. His eyes are kind, and the way he would passionatly talk about anything and everything we conversated about. You could tell he didn't want to hide anything. Honesty and straight up himself. The lunch was amazing. Food was extremly tasty.

         After lunch we continued the day at my place to watch a movie he insisted on me us to watch becuse of my prior renting it last week. The movie Ed Wood was not that good. But we watched it. After the long movie and after the not awkward but cute cuddling we continued talking. Looking at his face I knew what he wanted to do but I wasn't sure I wanted it too. I was just enjoying his company. His touch was soft, and you could just tell he cared. Waitng to see what happened was the longest 2minutes that we spent the whole day. It was as if time possibly slowed down as he leaned over and that's when any thoughts of "maybe we shoud just call it day before things happen" jumps out of my mind.

         The kiss was soft and kind. I'm so used to rough and rushed. This wasn't rushed. It was sweet.

         What happened after is something that me and him will have for us. No matter how we felt.

         Happy this day happened, I just hope we can share eachothers company again. And maybe keep it like that for a good while. Cause I know things happen for a reason and feelings appear out no where and rather you want to ignore them or just them work their magic, you will have to learn from the consiquences. I can seriously say im ready to see what happens next.

curious

Thinking of why I smile. Why I laugh when no one is around. Why I imagine myself with you. Why I imagine myself without knowing you. Why I think of who you really are. Why I think of who I could be with you.

All these things run through my head when I see you at least once a day. All these things run through my head when I think of you at least once a day. And that "at least once a day"?...is a lot.

I don't understand it.

I can't wrap my mind onto it.

Thinking about it makes me wonder if it's real, or just something I made myself feel.

It just doesn't make since.

You're the person I have never imagined myself with. You're the "type" I see myself no even considering. And yet...it's happening.

*sigh*

I catch myself thinking about it a lot. About you, & me & what it could become.

I like the possible outcome.

But I'm scared as well.

Make it easier.

Tell me how you feel.
If you even feel anything.
And if you don't but want to...tell me anyways.