June 2018 - The time has come

I try to think of myself as a good hearted person.
Someone who accepts whoever I can and not dislike people.

My husband & I have been married for almost 2 year and together for almost 5 years. I have my son that is almost 12 and he has his son that is almost 11. His son lives with his mom in another state and we only get home for short times through out the year.

Financially we are not doing so well. We never have. But we get by. We have food, electric, gas for the car...we have all the important things that any family really needs. In order for us to get his son here to visit, we have to pay for his plane tickets. Those aren't cheap. Since we struggle to have money in our account, we struggle to be able to purchase a ticket for his son to come visit. It has been 2 years since we have seen his son. I know my husband misses him. I know that not being able to see him regularly is probably pretty hard on him. But it just hasn't been an option for us to make that financial risk.

I have my opinions on the subject on why my husband isn't closer to his son. I know they are most likely considered wrongful thinking, but they are there at times. When my husband and I met, he was living in another state. He had recently moved from where his son lived to another state over to stay with his brother. He felt the need for change. I can only imagine how hard that was for him to move like that. For his reasons he has given me, it just seemed like something that he felt he needed to do for himself. That is one thing I don't think I could understand. I know people deal with things differently, think differently and just do things differently than what others may think or do. As a parent myself, I could never see myself move from my child. Even if that meant that I had to live in the crappiest place ever. I do not judge my husband at all. I love him so much. I am happy that he has came into my life. It just makes me wish he didn't have to leave that life he had already made to this life. I know he loves me. I know he would do anything for me. But I question sometimes what he would do for his son at times.

I know this makes me look out to be a bad person. Thinking like this about my husband. And that is okay I guess. I know he has a beautiful heart. I know how much he loves all of us. Like I had said before, "we don't all think or feel or do things alike".

Anyways, his son will be here in 3 days. I am so nervous. The last few times he has visited, him and I didn't get along very well. I am super weird around him. I just feel like we don't connect.

I am pretty bad with other kids. I haven't been good being...I guess...myself. I am not sure what it is about them. I am just awkward.

I know he is my kid now. And most of the time I feel like I would do anything for him. Just like I would with my son. But he is so different than my son. He is only a year younger and yet it feels like he is so much younger than that. He is super hyper active and he just strives for that attention I am not sure to give to other kids. My son doesn't even like the attention. He likes to be in him space and as long as you remind him that you love him and you are there, he is good. With my step-son, it's just the opposite. He strives for that attention whenever he can get it. I know he doesn't see his dad as often as he should. And I do my best to just let it go and not let it show it's bothering me. (Because I know it shouldn't)

His mom called a few+ days ago and talked to my husband about how his son has been manipulative to her and her husband and other's in the family. My husband didn't seem to think this was a big deal. I think it is. I know he may have his reasons, but I am not wanting that being brought into my home. There is most likely more to the why he is doing it. I don't think I will know why.

I hope that this doesn't make me look horrible. I know that thoughts like this is shamed upon. I just needed to get this out there and see it in words for myself. I am going to do whatever I can to fix how I feel. I want to connect with him better. I don't want to keep him on the side. He deserves to be part of the family because he is.

Thinking too much into it...

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.
Typically we just hangout at home and maybe get some things done. We had talked to my sister and her husband that maybe we could go to my grandparent's to help them get ready for our aunt's wedding reception. (My grandpa broke his collar bone last week and we discussed that if it was okay with them, we would go help them out.) I had reached out to my sister yesterday morning wondering if we were going to go there and help out or not. I never received anything. I just assumed that we were going to go later this week and decided to hangout at home. I found out today that everyone went over there to help out. ONCE AGAIN, I was left out of things. No one called me, or answered my text/phone calls. I never once got the information that there was anything going on. That makes me look like the one who doesn't care. And I do care. I care a lot about being involved. But no one ever does.

Sometimes when this happens I tend to ghost them for awhile. Even though I know that they aren't even aware of it. This week I had already planned to watch my nephew so they could go to the baseball banquet with my oldest nephew. I don't NOT want to watch him, but I don't want to be anywhere near them right now.

I know most that would read this, or if there really is anyone that reads this, is probably thinking, "man this chick bitches about the dumbest things", or, "she should have just went over there and helped out even without their say so". Right?....Am I right?

Well shit happens and I let feelings hit me.

As pissed off as this happens, I am beginning to think that I will always be the "forgotten" one in the family. I know that is juvenile to think...but it's how I think. I do my best to not let it bother me. I should be used to it by now.

I think about moving all the time. I wonder who will actually care if I do or not. Sometimes I think that no one would even care. Other times, I think they would. Thinking about moving my son makes me anxious. But I know that it wouldn't be anything major. Getting my son out of his current school system might actually be good for him. He struggles a lot with school and they don't seem to want to help him anyways. Maybe a fresh start would be something we all need. It's not like my dad really wants to talk to me or my other family wants to see me. (aside from my grandparent's) I can always plan to visit as much as I can. I would hate to lose contact with them. Maybe it is time to make that change. I don't think I would want to quit my job. Knowing I will still see my sister and mom at work would for sure still be an issue. But at least I will be happy in a new home and a new location that I can call my own. Not that my current home isn't my own. No one has came to visit me but maybe 3 times. I haven 't had anyone come over and hangout. No one has come over to spend time with me. The only time I am asked to really hangout is if I am needed to watch the nephews or if they have a get together and I am part of a group chat. (I hate group chats)

Well...maybe me and my little family can move and still be forgotten somewhere else. I think it would an adventure for sure.

We will see.

Thanks for reading.

Let's try this again - 2018

2018

How did it get this far into things and me not know that it's already this late into my life.

I am 31 now. 

I am married. 

My son is about to start middle school. 

I have a whole new position at work and I am actually enjoying every moment of it. 

I still don't have many friend...okay...no friends. But I think I have been okay with that. 

My sister now works with me. And I have been able to chat with her and catch up on things during the week. Things I never really could find out unless we planned to meet up. Before it was hard to know too much about her and her adorable family unless I was asked to watch my littlest nephew. And even then, I really didn't get much conversation out. I know it's not anyone's fault. It just happens as you get older. My younger sister lives in GA now. No matter where she goes, she rocks at it. Before she was a make up goddess. She started at Mac and then found her way to doing make up for models and magazines and she even got her own stores to manage. Her hubbie got moved to GA and now she is a...well...she does microblading and eyelash extensions. From what I can see on Instagram, she is a true artist. I mean, she has always been an artist at everything she has done...but for this occupation it's for sure something I could never even think of doing. I don't talk to her very often, but I do follow her so I can see what's been going on. Here is her business page if you ever want to take a look at how AMAZING she is: Brow Almighty.

I am still working on my weight.

NOTHING NEW HUH? 

Being told I have PCOS has done a pretty good number on me. Mentally and physically.
I have attempted to go on diets, workout, stay healthy. For the most part, I am a pretty healthy person. I think portioning is my weakness. Lately it has been sweets too. I think that is an addiction I am going to have to go to meetings for. Eventually. I still have Beach Body and I still attempt to get off my ass and do something active. Living in a small apartment with one exit and entrance makes it hard on me to focus. I hate the idea of people seeing me do things like that. I know doing something healthy isn't something to be ashamed of, but when you are jumping around and struggling getting up and down and all around, it's embarrassing to me. I love to walk. I could walk forever, but I feel that when I go on walks, I am missing out on so much. Being married or I guess just in a relationship has changed me so much. It is NO WHERE near my husbands fault. But I feel like I hold back so much since I have been with him. I need to fix it. Or I think it's going to mess everything up.

"I never knew I could do anything like I do now.

I want to do even better.

I actually see myself doing better too."

My job had always been something I wasn't proud of. Now...I feel pretty proud of what I do.
I have learned so much about what my business is as well as what all I can do. I never knew I could do anything like I do now. I want to do even better. I actually see myself doing better too. I really never thought I would ever think like that. Since I never went to school for anything. Or really had interest in anything other than being a nurse...I kind of stopped thinking of the future. I went from Taco Bell to Blockbuster to this job. I started in the art department (not really doing art) but I learned some. I mainly just did the lists for products that we sold at events. It was a very tedious job, and I was the person that did it. For 4 years. I can honestly say that me and Excel...Excelled together. 4 years of just pulling lists up, formatting them for different things and alphabetizing. Sounds great doesn't it. DO NOT get me wrong. I was TRULY blessed that I had a job. This job helped me get into my own apartment. Pay my bills. Allowed me to take off if I needed for my son. This job gave me so much. But I felt like that was all I would be doing for the remainder of my adulting life. 

I am now the Internet and eCommerce Administrator for the business I work for. eCommerce is something I didn't know really was a huge thing. I never would have thought I was smart enough for it at all. Being asked to step down from my position and do this was the scariest thing I have ever done. I went out of my comfort zone and learned something. I am still learning. I think i am going to be learning for remainder of this position. It is something you never stop learning about. I think that is why I love it so much. Also,just a couple weeks ago the company created their own marketing team. I was added to to that team. So now I am learning how to do marketing. I still focus on the eCommerce part of the business but learning how marketing ties into all of it has been crazy fun. The owner of the company doesn't really show he sees much. But lately I have been seeing he does. Maybe not as much he thinks he does...but he has been seeing it. I am so happy to be a part of this business. I want to help it grow more and more.

Now if only I can get myself to grow like I do for this business.

That is probably going to have to be another story. I feel I have hit beyond my limit for now.

If you made it to the end.

Thank you. 

getting things off my back

Lately I have been feeling discouraged. 

Things have been going great but mentally I have been thinking a lot. 

I am wanting things done personally in myself that I haven't been able to get done. I want to gain the motivation to workout more, to eat healthier, to put on clothes and be happy with myself. Things like that just don't happen over night, I know. But I lose focus on it because I have so much more going on in my life. 

I know there people out there that have busy lives, and still get their asses in the gym. I find myself at the bottom of the hill when I feel like I should have already been over it so many times already. 

I have dieted, I have worked out but it just seems like I lose focus and give up. 

My true thoughts is, I want to be home more. I want to be able to take my son to school, work on the apartment, have a normal daily workout routine, plan dinners, pick my son up from school, help him with his homework, take him to practices, and still be able to have family time before we have to rush home, make dinner, get homework done, after practice when it's 8pm, and then get to bed by midnight knowing I haven't taken a shower in 2 days. I have laundry piled in the hallway, dishes piling in the sick spilling over on the counter, floors that need to be vacuumed and a bedroom that could use some cleaning. All in all it's a good 'lived in" home, but I know it could be maintained better. I know that I can be the 'super mom' that I wish I could be. 

I love working. I have been working since I was 16 and I know I would be completely bored out of my mind if I was just at home all day. But I also feel I need the opportunity to try and be the mom I can be and take care of my family. I just don't know how I can do that and still not able to pay for my bills. 

I know I am not the only one in the world who has to deal with this. And I know there are many people out there that has done the 'stay at home mom' and 'one income' thing. But it scares me thinking that one income isn't enough. 

Lots of things happen in my life that I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle if I decided to go this direction and it doesn't work. I would like to work part-time eventually, but I really want to be that person who can rest and not have to feel this way. 

I know selfish is what everyone thinks. I don't get to be selfish very often. I don't get to just wake up and think "hey, I want to do this for me and I am going to do it for me'. I don't think I could ever do that. 


My family is everything to me. I love everything about my family. But I feel that my life needs a change. and I am not sure this is what it needs but I keep getting pulled in that direction of what it needs to be.

it's happened.

 The moment it happens...it's almost too late to take it back.
 It's almost like a permanent promise to your heart that isn't returnable after a certain point.
 Holding back makes it so much harder and taking it in makes it almost unbearable. You can never really know what to expect but you have to take that chance of just letting it all in.
 Accepting what's happening right now. Accepting what's creating itself for the future. And knowing you will be blindsided the whole way.
 That feeling will make it all the hundred times better to take chances and just leap into it.
 I have been holding on for too long. Longing to find that feeling. And never really know how to just accept it. I have chose to accept it now. And it feels all and then more of what I expect.
 It is tearing me up from the inside out but in a good way pulling me towards the one thing I truly want to accept. It is breaking apart the bearer that has been up for so long. And it's going full force to rebuild what was damaged so everything can created fresh and new.
 Time has set still. Time has allowed me to hold on just enough to feel this again. I want to think it's just that one thing. But I know that it's more than that. I know it's that, times so much more of what I have been afraid of. I have been holding back for so long. I didn't think it was no where near possible that anything like this could happen again. And now it's nothing I had expected to feel.
 Knowing that time will tell more. Knowing time will show all. Knowing things will be harder to grasp but even harder to let go. And knowing that if I let go just once, time will catch up and I could lose it all before I could even have it.

 It sneaks up on you so fast that I didn't see it coming. Blindsided by what you hoped to control but it was just too strong to block.
 Once it's there, it's there and no matter how much you wish for it to stop because you're so afraid, you hold on to it even more because you are afraid.
 There will be fear. There will be tears. There will be happiness and anger. There will be so much more feelings that you could ever imagine. But you take in those emotions. You accept what is happening because letting of something so strong as this....?....it's too much to lose. Too much to let go. Too much of a chance to make it the biggest "what if" of your life.

They say "it's never too late to let go and turn it all around"....I beg to differ. I have hit that "too late" mark...and it's the best feeling in the world.

I have fallen...and still is. And I hope I continue falling.

Forever.
Always.
And....forever.

back and ready for anything

So it has been a long time since I have been on here posting about how I feel and what is going on with me. I have been really busy with work, soccer season is here for Jasper, and then I have had to help with my seester's wedding. But everything has calmed down some. Just enough for me to realize what all is in my line of vision and what I have in front of me. And that is a lot of great things.

I am down almost 2 dress sizes. Knowing I am sticking to being healthy and sticking to something without quitting a huge celebration in my part. I am happy with how I look but I know that I have some other things to do, to get to where I need to be health wise. I need to work on a schedule to tone up and get a routine down so me and Jasper can start walking again.

Vegas was amazing! I had a blast seeing my seesters together for the first time since January. All the girls had a blast and since it was like a little mini vacation for me, I was super excited to get away and have some fun.

Stacie's wedding was beautiful and pretty amazing. I had a blast. I was kind of bummed that my date bailed on me, but I think it all came out good. Jasper was amazing! He was a really handsome ring little man and he danced amazingly during the reception. I am so happy I have so many great people in my life, family and friends, that I can have fun with.

For a about 4 months...maybe a little less, off and on I have been on a dating site called OK Cupid that is on my phone. The app is a bit like Plenty of Fish but it counts the percentage of how well you would be relationship wise, friendship wise and enemy wise. I am not sure how accurate it is, I doubt it's not as accurate as some would hope, but I think it also helps you see what you could be looking for future wise down the road. I have met some interesting people on this site. Some bad, some good. My first date was fun. I still talk to him from time to time, but we were both looking for different things. I feel he just isn't ready to be in a relationship and take that time to make it work. The second guy was pretty great. He is a real sweetheart. We have gone on 3 dates and have watched a movie and caught a game. He is looking for something more long term...something I am as well. But there is just something not quite there. I am still wondering if I am just being too picky or missing something. I always seem to push people away when I feel they are too...I don't know how to word it. I do still talk to him. I havn't gone out with him or seen him since before I left for Vegas.
October 1st I received a message from a guy names Chris. Unlike the others, his message was detailed on what he was looking for, what he liked about my profile, and you could tell he had looked at every detail of what I wrote on my profile and made sure that I was someone he was looking for. I honestly can't put how the past 2 weeks have been for me. Currently he is living in Georgia. OK Cupid only looks for people in your area, and I am sure you're asking "why is she talking to someone so far away" LoL! Well...He had put Dallas, TX as his current location because he is planning on moving to the Dallas area in December. So anyways...I think I am hooked on this guy.  He is everything I have been looking for in a guy, I know that I havn't met him in person and I know some believe that online dating never works, but this one seems to be working so well. I have learned so much about him. Talked to him daily. Seem him on skype. I just hope I don't get my hopes up and he never comes to me. Or I mess it up like I do with every other relationship I am in.

I am truly happy with my life right now. Jasper has been doing great in school. Soccer has been great. Keeping us busy. I am getting close to a good target weight and staying healthy. I have a great friend Sam at work that I have been able to talk to regularly. My family is as always amazing and now I have been getting out there, meeting new people and hopfully finding the love of my life.

Week 3

Week 3 has arrived. I am really happy with the results I see in the pictures. The scale hasn't really moved much, but I'm happy with what I'm looking like. 

I have had a horrible week this week. Lots of stuff going on and me almost losing my eye site was pretty scary too. I have learned my lesson on contacts and making sure they are clean. 

I've learned also that people come and go. And people let you down. But there are those people who support you no matter what! 

After all the emotions that have came out of me this week, seeing results from what I have been working on has almost made it better: 

praying I can make it through this one transition and move on to the other...

Okay.

I am just getting something off my chest because I tend to over think things WAY too much.
Taking that big step of meeting new people is hard. I am not good at just opening up to people and telling them how I feel. When I take one action I tend to go back and rethink what I did and the possible outcome of the action. Half the time I am just being dumb but there are those times where my thoughts of the outcome are right. Right now I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping I am just being ridiculous and nothing horrible is going to happen. I know the actions I chose are my faults. And I know I have no control of the outcome of it if it includes someone else. But those "hopeful" thinkings do happen.

Right now I am crossing my fingers and praying to the good lord I didn't mess anything up.

That is all.

starting off right

Ok. So a lot has been going on the past 2 weeks.

New people, change in body, new look on life and getting closer to achieve the goals I want to hit.

You can my body is no where close to where it needs to be but I am getting there. As always you just have to take those small steps into doing something different in your life. The scale hsn't told me I have lost a lot, but the pictures show I am losing something. I super happy about the results right now, but I know I just have to keep pushing myself to get that healthier body that I want.

I have been talking to new people. Taking chances and stepping up.

Last weekend I had a blast with my neighbors. They are some really great friends! and we had so much fun!
I know that I enjoy my alone time, but knowing I have those girls to talk to?...It helps a lot.
I have also gotten closer to my friend Sam at work. She is a great person to talk to about personal things and how I feel about certain topics. In my head, we hit this moment where I didnt think I could talk to her like I could. But realization hit me and I knew being upset with her about something that was as dumb as it was, I knew I couldn't lose her someone that has been there for me. We have grown on each other.

Dating is a new step I feel I can take now.
I have talked to some people and made plans. I have hung out with one and had spent some good times. Just going out and hanging out has been great. I know I can't always go out, but knowing I am able to step up and make that effort helps me keep motivated to stay focused on my appearance and health.

I know I had set a goal for myself months ago...but I really want to push myself to keep staying focused. I want to be healthy for my son as he grows up. I want to feel comfortable with myself and feel pretty.

I have survived cancer, attempted suicide, anxiety, being a single parent...I can do this. I have to!

Yesterday I started on this new weight loss thing my sis-in-law has been taking. It has worked for her so far, and I have seen some pretty good reviews for it. The first day I got a lot of energy and it helped me feel in a good mood. Not sure if it was the pill or just me liking to start something new for me. I am real eager to see where this puts in. I am going to get the 30 day supply after I the week one. I took the "before" pic and I hope I see some kind of results by the end of this month.

This diet is called Ace. It's an energy weight loss pill. You drink TONS of water with it and with the results of not exercising while taking it seems to be just as effective. I started doing stretches and crunches yesterday. I started small, just to see how far I could go. I am planning on starting to do ZUMBA again, and I hope to see that help as well toning things up as I lose. I don't plan on lifting weights or doing any major muscle building things. As I know that won't help me lose anything at all but gain more.

I have not been happy with my body for a good 5yrs or so. I wish I could go back the body I had after I had my son. I had lost so much weight having to work a full time job and be that single mom. I still work that but it is much easier now that my son is older and in school. I just want to be confident in my body and right now I'm not. Hopefully this will have decent results into helping me gain my confidence back.

So here's to losing weight and being happy with myself.

I hope it comes out with a huge "daaaammmmn!" ;-)

Complications

Wanting to start a conversation with someone who you're not sure if you should start a conversation with is confusing. I have these moments where I just want to pick up my phone text someone. And I'm "afraid" to for reasons that are crazy. "Do they want to hear from me?" "Who are they with if I did message them!" "What is their friend's opinion on me now?" "Could I ever just talk to that person again like normal?" The list just keeps on going. I miss having that friend. I miss having a lot of friends. I just want those moments back before it was all complicated. 

coming to realization

I have hit a bump in my life once again, where I wish I could just rewind so much of it and try again.
I hold onto memories so much because knowing I can't really change them, I imagine what they would be if I could.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life to better myself as well as bettering Jasper.
I can't imagine what my life would be without him, but sadly I do try to at times.
I know I wouldn't change having him in my life, but I would change how I live.
I would allow myself to have a better career. Something that allows me to live not paycheck by paycheck but comfortably. I would have a small house with a backyard. A yard with a dog and a clothes line so I can hangout my clothes. A yard for Jasper to venture off in for hours till dinner time.
I have chose to close myself from meeting someone new because I am afraid I will get caught up in the fantasy and It's hard to imagine actually having something good happen in my life. I have that "goal" set in my head for my "dream life" to happen, but I am afraid for it to happen.
I have been heart broken too much, I have been let down too much, and when I see something good happen I just let go so it won't happen. (even though there is that possibility of bad things not happening)
Why can't I just be strong?
I am strong for Jasper but when it comes to me, I can't be.
I have my guard up constantly and I don't know how to put it down.
How do I let it down?
I wish to have someone in my life that I can hold, have there for me, and i be there for them. I want someone I can't push away so easily. I want to hold on to that person longer than that short time.
Why is it so hard for me to hold on to something good in my life?

after all....you're my wonderwall

Wondering where the time goes to making that time for yourself.
Wondering where the people go in your life that you once counted on to be there.
Wondering if you are still there for the ones that counts/counted on you.
Wondering if I will ever find that person in my life that will take me for who I am and not try to mold me into something they want in their life.
Wondering if that person even exists.
Wondering if I will find that friend in my life that will always be there and push to keep me happy as well I do that same for them.
Wondering if I am worth fighting for.
Wondering if I will stay the stronger one in my life, or if I will find that one person to keep strong so I can be weak for once.
Wondering if time will stand still long enough for me to get what I need completed to enjoy life as everyone should.

Wondering so much these days...

And the list just keeps adding on.

Obviously it will take a lot to find that time for me.
I will have to find new people in my life to be there, because I have lost so many.
I will have to continue hoping I am being the true friend I know I can be without getting blindsided by the distractions in life.
I can only hope to find that person that can take me as I am and not try to change me as a person.
And there is that person for me.
I can hope I find those friends that will keep pushing me to be better in my life.
And believe I am worth fighting for!
I can only imagine of someone that can be the strong one for me at times, and allow me to take my moment to be taken care of.
I know time will never stand still for anyone. But maybe I can find that time to catch up on where I want to be in life and not have to drown getting there.

Where to go now?

Times have been better.
Moments have been better.
Thoughts have been better.

But I chose to take this life and hold on to it.
I chose to take this challenge.

I seem to find myself without the friends I did have.
I have seem to figure the realness of everything.
It's like reality has hit a bit.

I am older.
And I have a kid.
My life as I know it isn't what I thought it was or could be.

I hold onto what I had but then let go for a minute and it's all gone.

I'm not sure how to react to it.
I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure how where to go from here.

I have caught myself wanting to date again.
But I don't want the relationship in it, mainly just someone to have.

The time I have is not much.

I give my time to my son and family and the little I can spare I hangout with my friends.
The little I have.

I feel lost right now.
Not sure where to go from here.
What to do.
I plan all these things in my head but I don't react on them.
I don't know how to take control of my life.

Course in order to take control of your life, you need to know what life you have.

I know I have a work life, a mom life but what do I do beyond that?

Where do I go now?

F you

I'm done trying to prove to everyone that I'm worth being friends with. I'm done worrying about what everyone thinks when it comes to me choosing who i want to be with. I'm done being made felt like I'm the worst person in the world after I bust my ass day after day to make sure myself and my son has a home to come home to. I wake up daily proud to be the mom I am. The person I am. I may make wrong or crazy decisions or make changes in my life when I feel it's something needed...but who doesn't? It kills me inside knowing I have people in the world that hate me. People in this world that dislike me. People in this world that only see me by what people tell them. I'm human. I know it shouldn't bother me, but looking up my friends on Facebook and noticing I have been deleted makes me feel pretty shitty too. But I still go on! I say FUCK everyone who thinks I'm wrong into feeling proud of who i am. And I say FUCK you to the people that feel they can't be my friend because they have to chose one side or the other. And fuck that person that put them in that position and help make them chose. I may not have had a logical explanation but I chose what I did for me. And if anyone wants to even consider knowing what it has been like to be in my shoes....well I'd say go ahead and ask instead of hiding behind ur opinions and your information on what you think you know about me. 

feeling forgotten

I know I have a great family. And I have some pretty good friends.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have I would like to say they are pretty good.
Recently I have lost a few and I miss talking to them.
I have been trying to talk to and/or hangout with one that I hvnt' seen in awhile and I have truly missed having that person to talk to.
But with my schedule and theirs it seems to mess things up.
This weekend we were supposed to hangout but they had "over booked" the weekend a lil and it looks like we have to reschedule.
I am not mad at that person. But I am disappointed.
Because of the reasoning.
I hate that I have to miss out on things.
I miss out on a lot.
I see my younger sister seeing the world. Able to do what she has always thought of doing and expanding her life's adventure.
I see my older sister buying a new car, a new house, getting married and able to go out to do things like concerts, parties and what not.
Why can't life be easier for me?
All I have needed was some friend time. Some time to make myself feel human again.
I wish I could be selfish.
I wish things could just come to me just as easy.
The weekend plan thing isn't a horrible thing. And I can't wait to hangout with that friend.
But this has hit a "nerve" or "sensitive" spot that has been growing inside of me for awhile now.
It just sucks.

My Fault

I took a walk on a Saturday nightFog in the airJust to make my mind seem clearWhere do I go from here?I see my breath pushing steam through the airShaking hands run through my hairMy fears, where do I go from here?Is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Walking down to the water's edgeAsking why I’m here instead of homeNow I stand aloneI stop to stare at the ocean sideI'm breathing in just to feel it’s sidewith his like you were here with meIs it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest nightIt's in the brightest lightIt's when the world is movingOh, it's in the faintest cryIt's in the lover's eyeIs when I need you mostAnd don't you know?Is it my fault, is it my fault?We’ve been missing each other

Possible love

I've lost someone I could possibly love. Not aware of what it could have been...but it certainly was in arms reach of something. And now it's gone. 

blessed but broken

I have been feeling VERY blessed lately.
Knowing I have so many people in my life that I can love and hangout with.
I know me and Jasper will always have out family.
These last few feelings of feeling blessed has been pretty amazing.
I still feel like something is missing on my end.
I see all these couples truly loving each other and it makes me miss what I could have.
When I have that though, it's hard for me to hold on to it.
I wish I wasn't broken.
I wish I could just accept someone caring for me and hold on to it.
I love how my life is now.
Knowing I have a lil man that adores me so much, and knowing I have someone that will always be there for me makes me so happy to wake up in the morning.
Knowing though that he will not always be there makes me worry about being alone.
I want to hold on to someone for me and my "intimate" feelings.
I know this may seem selfish,
but I just wish I could be strong enough to have that love.

I'm taking this time

Not sure where to go from here.
There are many things I wanted in my life that I would love to achieve.
I don't see them happening though.
I see myself like this yearly getting closer to being alone once Jman graduates and heads to college.
I know I chose this for myself, but sometimes I just expect more.
I would love more.
I just hope that soon later on down the road I won't be looked upon as a failure.
I know there are those people that will always love me regardless on where I am in my life, but sometimes i have that feeling that they were hoping for more for me.
I hope for more.
I hope daily I can get up in the morning and achieve what I want to do for that day.
I wake up weekly setting that goal for myself but I never seem to finish everything on that "list".
There seems to always be something else.
I put other's wants in front of my own and that puts everything on my list to take that step back.
I try so hard to bring those people in my life and make them apart of my life. But there seems to be something that pushes them out again.
There is never that time where you can keep them in your life long enough to know where it could have gone.
Sadly it happens.
Knowing that it happens puts me back down again where I chose to push back more things.
It's my own fault not able to handle everything...
It's my own fault not trying harder.

I take this time to apologize for the times I took for myself and left those others behind.
I take this time to hope time allows myself to take those steps in my life that could better me.
I take this time to be selfish and hope no one looks down on me for it.