I am one to worry.
To think more about the negative but hide behind the positive.
I am one to think of the worst of things, even when there's nothing to think worse about.
I look beyond what other's could see and see it.
I worry what people don't think about me and think differently of myself when they think about me.
I think about the future constantly and worry what the past has brought onto me.
I wonder constantly of what I have done wrong despite of the many good things I have done.
I tend to smile to keep people at ease and I hide behind it thinking of what they really think.
I worry too much about thoughts and feelings. Because my own thoughts and feelings are always tucked away where no one can see them.
I find myself to be like this because I never know how I am supposed to feel.
When I find I care for someone I tend to keep what feelings I can inside so they don't feel they have to feel that way.
I give the minimum waiting to find that excuse to give it all.
I have lost a lot and gained more.
I have been in love a few times and want to love just one more time.
I can't help wanting more for myself.
Because I want even more for the ones I love.
I can't help but to wishful think.
In my heart I belive fairy tales could exist.
I am a worryer and a romantic at heart.
I may think too much, but knowing what I want is sometimes tough to know.
and I just can't help being who I am...
It's just me.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
thinking and knowing...
Every woman is different when they think about things.
Every woman expects certain things.
I'm not quite one of those woman that strive attention. But I do like to be known I'm thought of.
Sometimes I wonder if I went so long without texting/calling some people, how long it would be till they contact me?
I think today I am going to do that.
Today I am choosing to see if my thought is just in my head or if it's knowing how I really appear in someone's thoughts throughout the day.
Every woman expects certain things.
I'm not quite one of those woman that strive attention. But I do like to be known I'm thought of.
Sometimes I wonder if I went so long without texting/calling some people, how long it would be till they contact me?
I think today I am going to do that.
Today I am choosing to see if my thought is just in my head or if it's knowing how I really appear in someone's thoughts throughout the day.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Things just happen
You can't control how things happen.
Why they happen.
They just happen.
February of 2010 I was hired at Blockbuster because I was in search of a job after losing my Taco Bell Manger job of 6years. Although myself, as well as othere, disagree with the reasonings of that job loss, I believe I needed that push.
I'm not one for changes.
I really don't like them. I tend to keep things familiar just to make things easier. I have learned MANY times that life just isn't easy.
I was transfered a bit away from where I was used to working around mid summer or so of 2011. I was nervous but once again it was the push I needed. As last time I was ingnoring my opportunites of what life was giving me. Then around November of 2011 I was transfered to be a store manager a lil closer to where I lived and it made it a bit easier. I started out still not noticing what I was supposed to be doing and lost focus till one day I was hit by something the night i spend the first time in the apartment alone. I needed to make a change in myself. and I needed to make something change for and my son.
I slowly got rid of the destraction and made that change.
In that transition I met someone that was in my life for the amount of 4months. And who knew that I could find someone that is capable of spending that extra time of not just me but me and my son.
its a tough thing life.
life doesn't come with a manual.
(wish it did)
I'm not saying that all this have "completed" my life.
It could change any moment.
But noticing the good changes you chose to change your life kinda makes it a lil better than when life has to force things on you.
i will always love the people in my past. some more than others. I will always think about that part of my life bc without some of the outcomes?...i wouldn't be where i am now.
Why they happen.
They just happen.
February of 2010 I was hired at Blockbuster because I was in search of a job after losing my Taco Bell Manger job of 6years. Although myself, as well as othere, disagree with the reasonings of that job loss, I believe I needed that push.
I'm not one for changes.
I really don't like them. I tend to keep things familiar just to make things easier. I have learned MANY times that life just isn't easy.
I was transfered a bit away from where I was used to working around mid summer or so of 2011. I was nervous but once again it was the push I needed. As last time I was ingnoring my opportunites of what life was giving me. Then around November of 2011 I was transfered to be a store manager a lil closer to where I lived and it made it a bit easier. I started out still not noticing what I was supposed to be doing and lost focus till one day I was hit by something the night i spend the first time in the apartment alone. I needed to make a change in myself. and I needed to make something change for and my son.
I slowly got rid of the destraction and made that change.
In that transition I met someone that was in my life for the amount of 4months. And who knew that I could find someone that is capable of spending that extra time of not just me but me and my son.
its a tough thing life.
life doesn't come with a manual.
(wish it did)
I'm not saying that all this have "completed" my life.
It could change any moment.
But noticing the good changes you chose to change your life kinda makes it a lil better than when life has to force things on you.
i will always love the people in my past. some more than others. I will always think about that part of my life bc without some of the outcomes?...i wouldn't be where i am now.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
When is it right
When is is write to move past everything and go foward? When will it be easier to just let go and go after the feelings you hold inside? How do u really know if there is true feelings of love or just lust?
When I'm with him it's like I'm almost complete. But I don't know if its a feeling of emptiness I'm trying to fill or it's really there. When he leaves I just want to say something to make sure he comes back. Sometimes love is all I can think of when that happened. Love can mean so much and yet it can ruin so much in the process of happening. Love changes people. Love make other people believe there is less to it if you say it. A relationship isn't complete once you say it. You have to be love. Why is it so hard to love? And why is it so hard not to?
It's a question we're just going to have to deal with.
When I'm with him it's like I'm almost complete. But I don't know if its a feeling of emptiness I'm trying to fill or it's really there. When he leaves I just want to say something to make sure he comes back. Sometimes love is all I can think of when that happened. Love can mean so much and yet it can ruin so much in the process of happening. Love changes people. Love make other people believe there is less to it if you say it. A relationship isn't complete once you say it. You have to be love. Why is it so hard to love? And why is it so hard not to?
It's a question we're just going to have to deal with.
Monday, September 24, 2012
fear of fear itself
fear
[feer] Show IPA
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
Everyone has a fear of something. Rather it comes from love, sadness, happiness. Truly anything can be a fear to someone. The fear to fall in love. The fear to make a change. The fear to cry. The fear to accept. Fear is all around us. People can see it, feel it, act on it and some even use it. Some use it on others. Some try to use it to hurt others.
I fear of not being there.
Of not making the right decision.
I fear of being alone.
I fear of being left behind.
I fear of love.
We all like to think we're unique. But when it comes to our fears, we're anything but. Some
fears are just universal, but they don’t have to be misunderstood
Fear is the enemy of self confidence. Self-confident people face their fears and act. Procrastination is the manifestation of fear.
Usually, the answer is on the 12 most common fears.
Which of these stop you from moving forward?
1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success
3. Fear of being judged
4. Fear of emotional pain
5. Fear of embarrassment.
6. Fear of being abandoned or being alone
7. Fear of rejection
8. Fear of expressing your true feelings
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Fear of the unknown
11. Fear of loss
12. Fear of death
I fear things constantly.
Just tonight I walked into my son's room, laid down with him and just watched him sleep. Instantly the fear of something happening to me and not being able to watch him grow up rushed into my mind. With the surgery coming up in just a couple of day?...I am afraid I am going to be put under and not wake up. I am afraid that someone is going to be in charge of raising my child and that he will not remember who I was to him. I know the happening of that is slim. I am aware that things like that just don't happen all the time. But the fear is still there. There really isn't any way to control it.
I fear of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible of not knowing what to do. Not knowing of how to act. Or even feel.
Another circumstance has become just recent after I lost my job.
The fear of starting over. Knowing good and well that I was "praying" for it to come. I was needing it to come. Although that fear isn't quite there anymore, I know that it will come when it actually happens.
Everyone feels in their different ways. And everyone carries there fear in different ways.
On top of the fear of failing, starting fresh and not being there for my child, I have gained a fear of loneliness. Fear that yes, I will always have Jasper and my family. But the fear that I will just continue watching my friends and peers starting their lives. Moving on to love. Moving on to families of their own. And me not ever seeing that. I would love the opportunity to wake up one morning to someone I call my husband and my child(ren) jumping into bed with us in the morning. Attempting us to wake up and make breakfast. All of you know...the "picture-perfect" family morning we all see movies. I want that. I want a man to look me into the my eyes and tell me they love me. The out of random notice ask me to marry them.
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of life it self.
Fear.
Without fear who can we all really be but people not making that chance to make a chance. We would have already done it without a thought in mind. Jumping off the ledge wouldn't even phase us as something crazy because that fear would never cross our minds. Chances would just not be made because without fear they are just simple actions of life. So even though we fear fear itself?...I also fear of not having fear.
We would never experience anything that makes our heart beat 10x's faster. Or tears of joy or sadness.
Without fear?...we just wouldn't think.
Fear is the enemy of self confidence. Self-confident people face their fears and act. Procrastination is the manifestation of fear.
Usually, the answer is on the 12 most common fears.
Which of these stop you from moving forward?
1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success
3. Fear of being judged
4. Fear of emotional pain
5. Fear of embarrassment.
6. Fear of being abandoned or being alone
7. Fear of rejection
8. Fear of expressing your true feelings
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Fear of the unknown
11. Fear of loss
12. Fear of death
I fear things constantly.
Just tonight I walked into my son's room, laid down with him and just watched him sleep. Instantly the fear of something happening to me and not being able to watch him grow up rushed into my mind. With the surgery coming up in just a couple of day?...I am afraid I am going to be put under and not wake up. I am afraid that someone is going to be in charge of raising my child and that he will not remember who I was to him. I know the happening of that is slim. I am aware that things like that just don't happen all the time. But the fear is still there. There really isn't any way to control it.
I fear of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible of not knowing what to do. Not knowing of how to act. Or even feel.
Another circumstance has become just recent after I lost my job.
The fear of starting over. Knowing good and well that I was "praying" for it to come. I was needing it to come. Although that fear isn't quite there anymore, I know that it will come when it actually happens.
Everyone feels in their different ways. And everyone carries there fear in different ways.
On top of the fear of failing, starting fresh and not being there for my child, I have gained a fear of loneliness. Fear that yes, I will always have Jasper and my family. But the fear that I will just continue watching my friends and peers starting their lives. Moving on to love. Moving on to families of their own. And me not ever seeing that. I would love the opportunity to wake up one morning to someone I call my husband and my child(ren) jumping into bed with us in the morning. Attempting us to wake up and make breakfast. All of you know...the "picture-perfect" family morning we all see movies. I want that. I want a man to look me into the my eyes and tell me they love me. The out of random notice ask me to marry them.
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of life it self.
Fear.
Without fear who can we all really be but people not making that chance to make a chance. We would have already done it without a thought in mind. Jumping off the ledge wouldn't even phase us as something crazy because that fear would never cross our minds. Chances would just not be made because without fear they are just simple actions of life. So even though we fear fear itself?...I also fear of not having fear.
We would never experience anything that makes our heart beat 10x's faster. Or tears of joy or sadness.
Without fear?...we just wouldn't think.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Last night I had a dream of you.
I woke up believing I was in your arms once again. And woke up alone.
This week has been a little better than it was last week. Of course this is the first "official" week that I will be spending it as unemployed. Losing my job has been more and more rough on me. It seems that I can't do anything until my surgery is done. If I do decide to have it. My mom doesn't think that I should have the surgery. I don't know if it is because of the risks...or because of the money....or just because. She believes that if I work on my weight and diet then I will be ok. That it will allow them to disappear. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I know if I have it, it will be done and over with and I can not have to worry about it anymore.
It's weird how things happen.
How things in your life can just change.
I am losing track on who I am.
Who I can be. And who I want to be.
At this moment there are only a few people in my life now that I am truly happy with. Not many things have been. But knowing I have them in my life?...has made this last weekend so much easier to cope with.
So tonight I may dream of you with your arms wrapped around me. Deeply knowing that it's not really you. But just having that dream makes it all worth while until I can see you again.
I woke up believing I was in your arms once again. And woke up alone.
This week has been a little better than it was last week. Of course this is the first "official" week that I will be spending it as unemployed. Losing my job has been more and more rough on me. It seems that I can't do anything until my surgery is done. If I do decide to have it. My mom doesn't think that I should have the surgery. I don't know if it is because of the risks...or because of the money....or just because. She believes that if I work on my weight and diet then I will be ok. That it will allow them to disappear. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I know if I have it, it will be done and over with and I can not have to worry about it anymore.
It's weird how things happen.
How things in your life can just change.
I am losing track on who I am.
Who I can be. And who I want to be.
At this moment there are only a few people in my life now that I am truly happy with. Not many things have been. But knowing I have them in my life?...has made this last weekend so much easier to cope with.
So tonight I may dream of you with your arms wrapped around me. Deeply knowing that it's not really you. But just having that dream makes it all worth while until I can see you again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Today was a long and exhausting day. I got a pretty good amount done though.
I will most likely be headed to bed early today like I did last night. I'm beat!
It looks like I upset a friend today. Just by being honest on how I felt. I know I probably let them down. But I just didn't want to lie to them. I know they will eventually let it go. But it still urks me that it happened.
This day was still pretty good. I got some okay sleep last night. Got my tires rotated and balanced. Picked up stuff from Party City for Jasper's party this Sunday. Stopped at Wal*Mart twice to get some more stuff for Jasper's party and stuff for dinner. I should have done some laundry but maybe I can do it tomorrow after work. Things are slowly coming together. The one thing I am going to have to work on is watch what i'm spending outside the stuff I need to get. I am finding myself eat out more and I need to stop for Jasper and mine's health as well as financial.
I got to talk to my someone today for a bit. Although I see him on a good occasion, I don't really get a lot of time to talk to him. I miss him being able to come over and hangout with me and Jasper. I am excited that he gets to come to Jasper's party Sunday :-) WOOT WOOT! I am a bit nervous of him meeting my dad...but he seems to be ok with it. My dad is concerned of his age difference between me and him, but my dad has got to understand that with my maturity level I need someone of that age to keep up with me and my lifestyle. Plus he's great with Jasper even though he doesn't have an kids of his own.
When Brit comes back from leave I will be able to spend some more time with him. But right now we will just have to take what we can get.
It's amazing what more & more things that happen when you're growing up. Some things never change from high school while others just progress to more & more responsibility.
I will most likely be headed to bed early today like I did last night. I'm beat!
It looks like I upset a friend today. Just by being honest on how I felt. I know I probably let them down. But I just didn't want to lie to them. I know they will eventually let it go. But it still urks me that it happened.
This day was still pretty good. I got some okay sleep last night. Got my tires rotated and balanced. Picked up stuff from Party City for Jasper's party this Sunday. Stopped at Wal*Mart twice to get some more stuff for Jasper's party and stuff for dinner. I should have done some laundry but maybe I can do it tomorrow after work. Things are slowly coming together. The one thing I am going to have to work on is watch what i'm spending outside the stuff I need to get. I am finding myself eat out more and I need to stop for Jasper and mine's health as well as financial.
I got to talk to my someone today for a bit. Although I see him on a good occasion, I don't really get a lot of time to talk to him. I miss him being able to come over and hangout with me and Jasper. I am excited that he gets to come to Jasper's party Sunday :-) WOOT WOOT! I am a bit nervous of him meeting my dad...but he seems to be ok with it. My dad is concerned of his age difference between me and him, but my dad has got to understand that with my maturity level I need someone of that age to keep up with me and my lifestyle. Plus he's great with Jasper even though he doesn't have an kids of his own.
When Brit comes back from leave I will be able to spend some more time with him. But right now we will just have to take what we can get.
It's amazing what more & more things that happen when you're growing up. Some things never change from high school while others just progress to more & more responsibility.
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