unexpectedness...

un·ex·pect·ed

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adjective

not expected;  unforeseen; surprising: an unexpected pleasure; an unexpected development.

 

Unexpectedness is something I could never live without. 

 

Not knowing what's coming could be somewhat of a challenge but also a mystery. 

 

Unexpectedly opening your door to someone you care about with flowers.

Unexpectedly being shown a secret place to show me the stars.

Unexpectedly falling for someone.

 

Everything comes unexpectedly in my life. 

 

Cancer.

Pregnancy. 

Broken hearts.

Son at 19.

Not going to school.

Loss of job.

Moving back home.

Liver failure.

  

Things happen for a reason. I am told that a lot.

Sometimes I would like to be explained things.

Like why am I given a guy that I care for and I can't share it with everyone?
Why am I given more excuses to not go back to school. Or a chance to go to the hospital and talk to someone about everything that is going on in my body?

Unexpectedness It happens in everyone's lives.

But how do you accept the unexpected that brings you down?

How do you control the unexpected that makes you SO happy?

How do you unexpectedly tell the person you care for that you're happy without knowing unexpectedly making them jump out of your life?

Right now...I am unexpectedly happy. Even with the crazy stuff around me. This unexpectedness is good....and I don't want it to end.   

Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure
What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
What am I waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Stops my bones from wondering just who I am...
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
Some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know...
So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
No. When I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
Who the fuck wants to die alone?
My heart is breaking and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into those eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance

sitting here...

So I am sitting here watching my brother (Addisen) in the hospital. No one knows what's going on, or what's wrong with him. I am getting kinda worried. I know we've been joking around saying, "we need to bring House here...he can fix it". I wish! I know he is doing good. But it still worries me that he isn't home yet.

It makes me think of what all could happen instantly.

Today I woke up. Shared some time with my "secret" friend. We made lunch together. Was really nice spending some time with him. This whole week has been crazy! Knowing I have him to spend  my extra time with...away from work and home things, helps a lot.

This week was Jasper's first week of kindergarten. Thursday I had to take my first sick day because I felt like shit. All day Wednesday I couldn't keep anything down and then Thursday my head was killing me and I couldn't eat anything. I found out that my bro was admitted into the ER Wednesday and he is still in here. Jasper has been spending the Labor Day weekend with my parents at the lake. He has been fishing and swimming and spending lots of time with his cousin and grandparents. HE IS LOVING IT! I am glad he got to get away and do something "manly" with his Poppy George. It also helped me help out my seester here at the hospital while she took care of things at her work when she had to, and her house to get things ready for when Addy does come home.

It's amazing how things can happen to people you care for.

I know this is just a "diary/journal" post...but it's something.

Give me a reason

I want you to look at me like I'm the only one.
The only one that exists in your thoughts.

I want you to see me for who I am.

Give me your eyes and show me what you see.
Give me your hands so I can feel your touch.
Pull me close as if you'll never let me go.

Breath into me.
Hold me close.
Whisper to me everything you know.

Why is it that I can never really know?
How it is that I don't already know?
 What more can I do to really understand where I stand?
Because all I really want to do is hold you close and breath you in.

Never letting go with what we are.
Never wanting to forget of who we are.

Just tell me what you think it is we could be.
Tell me, in your eyes and heart, where I stand in your life. 

Well it happened again...

I don't know what I do to repel people from me.

Once again I lost a person that I could actually talk to and get along with and not have to worry about them just using me.

I would like to say "it's whatever" but I can't.
Because it's not.

Although it was a short time for me to know this person it almost felt like it was someone I could trust with myself. Knowing I could be me and not have to hide behind someone I'm not.

The person I am "seeing" doesn't even know who I am.

I carry this brick wall around me and I don't know how to put it down.

I have reasons to not trust people. Yes, it be annoying to the outside eye...but I have my reasons.

At age 2 I was diagnosed with cancer.
At age 6 my parents divorced because of what they lost while I was going through the treatments of cancer.
At age 12 I got introduced to how I can deal with the pain and bring it outside and NOT keep it all bottled in.
At age 15 is when I decided I couldn't live anymore for what I had done and become.
At age 16 I was raped, beaten and scared for life mentally of the men that could come into my life.
At age 19 I once again lost focus on who I could be.

I am now living with all this inside of me and even though my life has gotten better, I still feel like I could have done so much more to prepare myself and the people in my life.

I am happy with where I am, but I am still not happy with who I am.

I can't take a compliment because I don't feel like I deserve it.
I can't accept anything when it comes to emotions because I don't know if I can believe it.

I'm sorry for whatever I did to drive those people away.  And I am sorry if i changed your mind about how you saw me. Knowing that I can cause others pain because mine truly makes me think I shouldnt even bother to try.

Maybe I'm not meant to carry on a friendship like I hoped I could.

Despite the person's choice, I will have to accept it and move on and hope for the best that they find someone they can relate to and trust completely. 

Someone New

People come in and out your life. Regardless of if you want them to or not.

At any moment you can be introduced to someone that you will spend 1min to 50+ years of your life.

How you keep hold of that "relationship" is the most important decision you can make when it comes to the "friendship" you create with that person.

Everyone has a meaning to someone.

LOVE

HATRED

CONFUSION

REBELLION

FRIENDS

COLLEGUES

Anyone can anything to someone.

I strive to find someone I can talk to freely with.
Someone that can listen to me when I have shit to talk about. Someone that I listen to when they have shit to talk about. Someone that understands that I have a life and I will do anything I can to keep the whatever we have but I still have to continue on to my life.

No one understands that.
And finding someone that does is rare.
At some point there is going to be that someone that says they "understand" but they really don't.
Then once again...I am left alone.

I don't have many people I can call a friend.

I live a crazy ass life growing up. Nothing out of the ordinary when it came to my home life. But mentally I didn't live it the way I should have. I was lost most of the time and at times now I still feel I am. I feel out of the loop of a lot of things. Rather it is what's going on at work, family or news. I am always the last to know.

I feel excluded from the life I wish I could have. The life most people have. I am trapped in these 4 walls not knowing what the hell is going on. What's really out there.

Friendship allowed me to know somewhat of whats going on. Mentally I could release the confusion and breath air that wasn't my own.

How do you know you have chosen the right one?

How do you know if that person will really stick around and get to know the "craziness" of your life?
And accept it?

"time will tell" is what I always hear. "you don't need anyone else in your life but your son"...selfish I know, but I feel I should have that someone to let me...be me.

Who will that person be??

Have I already found that person?

"TIME WILL TELL"

6 long amazing years

From the day I found out I was having a baby I think I was the as nervous as I have ever been. I was 18 about to be 19...just started college. Working 40+ hrs a wk at Taco Bell. & the father of the baby wasn't anyone but a high school boyfriend that came in and out of my life as often as my menstrual cycle.

I found out the week after the father had disappeared. I was just about to go into work when I just randomly starting getting sick. It was about 4pm. I remember beacause that's when Hero by Enrique Iglesias came on every day at the same time on the Taco Bell radio in the lobby.

I was scared shitless!!

I was pregnant before when I was 15. Just a sophomore in high school. I promised myself I wasn't going to let this happen to me again until I was well over done with college. I wanted to do better for myself. I wanted to be ready. I was not ready.

The father accused me of cheating, lying, anything else to make an excuse to come back and take care of things. Turns out that he had found out someone else was prego with his baby else where prob about a month before or after from when I was due. RIDICULOUS!!

I worked my ass off getting ready for this baby. I worked until the day my water broke. The father had come back about 2months prior....and we "worked" things out. We made plans on what we were going to do when the baby came. We talked about names. Never came up with a boy's name. (he wanted Justin Cole Robertson Jr.) negative. I was not going to do a junior. The girl's name was going to be Serenitie Lynn...it was about the day before when I decided Jasper. It was my great grandpa's name. I decided to give Jasper my last name. With everything going on, it was just going to make things easier when it came to paper work crap.

I was around 5am when my water broke. I felt like I had pissed myself. I had to waddle to my mom's room and let her know what the hell was going on. I laid in my bed for about an hour as my mom, step-dad and seester took showers and got dressed. I think I call the father 20 times before we headed to the hospital. He had been at a party the night before and had been drinking so he was passed out.

I think it was about 6:30am when we finally got to the ER. We checked in. Got my room. Just waited. The father showed up about 8am. And fell back asleep on the chair in my room.

I started pushing about 5pm. With the father asleep in the chair, my mom holding my hand, my sister Stacie right next to the nurse watching anything that was happening down below.

Jasper Cole Wright. 9'6lbs. 21in long. 5:46pm.

He was beautiful.

Perfect.

And now he's about to be 6yrs old.

Still beautiful and perfect.