sinking

So I have been watching this show that's like an "old school" Grey's Anatomy. There was just an episode that had an old man suffering with ALS and after a bad car accident he was put in a situation that made him have to be on life support for the remainder of his life added on to ALS as well. After knowing he was going to have to live with life support he decided to take himself off life support and donate his organs to people he had met in the hospital.

How do you know when you're ready to die?

If you had to choose to live or die, what would you choose?

When I think of what the world would be like without me it scares he shit out of me.

When I really focus on the thought a huge sinking feeling happens. I imagine myself going. I the people in my life living it without me there. I see Jasper older and living his life without me there. Is there more to life after you really do pass away? There is so much to believe in. What should you believe though?

I know life isn't forever. People come and go everyday. Some people see it when they are about to pass and others don't.

I'm scared to see where I go.

I always have wondered if people get to "relive" their lives. If they get so many chances. A chance to finish what they couldn't? I chance to redo things to make it better the next time around? Is this how some people succeed in life and others don't? Or is this really it? I'm not saying my life is completely horrible...but there were things that could have gone better. The timings could have been better.

I always have to keep myself from thinking because I find myself thinking of me not being there anymore. And the sinking feelings stick deeper and deeper as I continue to think about it.

Once I didn't distract myself from thinking about it. Once I kept trying to see where the sinking would end up if I didnt stop it. After blacking out, closer to a good 20minutes later I found myself covered in blood and my mom screaming at me. I tried to physically make the sinking feeling escape.

I found myself thinking about the same thing again last night. No i din't do anything physical. But I almost wanted to. Having Jasper in my life prevents me to even think about doing anything like that. I have a reason to live. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. He gives me a reason to enjoy staying up that extra hour to make sure he stuff is ready for the morning. Or wake up that extra hour to get his breakfast ready and get him ready to start his day. I love every minute of it

I am scared to die because of Jasper. He needs me.
And I need him.